Five Sure Signs the Mustache Trend Needs to Die (Please)

Categories: Don't Wear That
i_heart_mustache_by_svea_carney-d359ugj.jpg
weheartit.com
A mustache stencil... yeah, that needed to happen.
Dear anyone (and everyone) who has ever considered cutting a mustache out of felt and putting it on, well, anything, 

It's time to let go. Not only is your fascination with this variety of facial hair a little disturbing, it's a little late. 

The mustache (as it's currently known in embroidered pillow, rubber eraser, and finger tattoo form) entered saturated popular culture around the same time you started drawing them on your enemy's middle school year book photo and quickly became the adornment of anything and everything that's graced the shelves of Urban Outfitters. 

This brings us to five reasons why it's time for the mustache icon to quietly die.

5. You don't even have one. 

Nor should you. But that's beside the point. Mustaches are rarely well kept and are rarely flattering. You tell me how many times you've seriously looked at the men known worldwide for their mustaches (Groucho Marx, Gene Shalit, Charlie Chaplin, Salvador Dali or Fu Manchu) and thought about sex. 

Mustaches -- we'll explain because you likely don't have one -- are known to collect crumbs, beer foam, and other flavors we won't go into. And if you're not willing to sport one, neither should your coffee mug. 

4. They're infecting every handmade product on Etsy.
A sure sign of a trend jumping the plaid-clad, Ray Ban-wearing shark is it's overwhelming presence on Etsy. Take a look at this screen capture -- a result of entering "mustache" into the search field of the chintziest craft site to take over the Internet. 

mustache2.jpg

There are almost 11,000 things for sale that have been stamped, painted, pasted, fashioned, molded, branded, or sculpted (shudder) into a mustache. That, friends, is a red flag. 


3.  They've been included in one of these slogans: 
keepcalmmustache.jpg
http://keepcalmanddowhat.tumblr.com


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30 comments
rynoth25
rynoth25

Yeah I hate the mustache craze too, along with the gluten-free eating, indie band listening, plaid wearing, liberal, hipster fgts that sport them.

rureadynow
rureadynow

Its just annoying to see it everywhere. I saw a pair of shoes covered in it. Its just one of those random trends like the trucker hat. Everybody treats it like some new thing, though its been around for centuries on 60yr old whiskey drinking men but some how, man its cool??

crumb_catcher
crumb_catcher

hmmmmm...you clearly suffer from moustache envy. In all actuality the care and grooming that goes into the daily upkeep of a tache is on the up and up. Moustache grooming kits; wax, wax remover, combs and trimming scissors are flying off the shelves. Plus, let's look at the amount of money growing a stache has raised for different causes...embrace the stache! :)

cheers,

Doglas

yazzman13
yazzman13

I don't know about moustaches but like to closely trim all the hair on my balls so they look like little kiwi fruit.

 

I am worried that this isn't trendy. Please help

warped4life
warped4life

one thing that i think about this is like srsly? this is the trend ur worrying about? what about short shorts on young girls or guys bagging their pants down to their knees? this is just simply having fun with mustaches. besides like all trends this will eventually end but for now until it does then just hush and let the people have fun with this trend

JDem
JDem

Why am I not surprised that the New times finds this news worthy? What hand went up in that weekly meeting asking for story suggestions? Do you writers really have to wonder why you get paid so little per story? Publish some real news. I know it takes time and education but hey, that's what the big kids read. Thanks for the heads up though...I will make sure to sit my children down and look them straight in the eye when I tell them with a stern voice the scary news that the mustache trend...IS OVER! 

 

Sincerely not yours, 

 

J.

Chelsea Robinson
Chelsea Robinson

Thank God someone wrote this. I'm so tired of this dumb mustache trend!

buddha00
buddha00

do you men posting here want a mouth-full of hair anytime you're fooling around with your chick or guy?
it works both ways, but it's also preference. i don't want a guy who looks pre-pubescent, but for the love of god.. i make the time to stat maintained. just some "manscaping" and upkeep is all i ask.
and deoderant. lol

-meg

Guest
Guest

I'm a fucking man, not some little hairless bitch. The woman who wrote this article is probably a lesbian or has never been with a real man. 

Timothy D Little
Timothy D Little

So, women like their guys to look like 13 year old boys? Your article is a bit over inflated. Long live male face hair! Some of us still like to look like men and not like hairless boys.

Jason
Jason

They have done study's years ago and women go for men with beards and mustaches more than those that are clean cut. its more macho and manly to have a beard thats why women love men with a mustache or beard. besides they are natural.

Jason
Jason

Ii like the old 1970s biker t shirts that read,   FREE MUSTACHE RIDES. bikers used to call mustaches  back then  WOMB BROOMS the womb broom mustache would tickle the female while getting her pussy ate out.

TheCosmicJester
TheCosmicJester

Time to go full Portlandia and put a bird with a mustache on it?

mggogo
mggogo

Trend?!  Umm, moustaches have been around for centuries and aren't going away anytime ever, so get used to it girl!

mggogo
mggogo

A mouthful of hair is not to be preferred, but is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for a hot, hairy guy.  Facial and body hair on a man are fucking hot;  it's partially what defines us as men, so what's not to love, YUM!

rawryree
rawryree

There you go ladies, "Guest" is a real man. Hiding in anonymity, in a basement somewhere in suburban America, waiting for you.

mggogo
mggogo

Amen to that!  Plus, it's fucking hot!

Jjbasil
Jjbasil

Come on, people.
She talks about the moustache TREND here, not male facial hair in general. Everyone who thinks the article is about cutting it off (yeah she DID mention that, but referring to the so called HIPSTERS. Not people who have been sporting it since forever.) did not understand it. The mustache trend is simply pointless and is turning just as boring as those owl accessoires. The mustache and owl trend need to die.

US War Veteran
US War Veteran

Yes I do remember that, but it seems that the modern "business" woman commonly referred to as "Alpha Females" prefer the clean cut, no hair anywhere, metrosexual, Ricky Martin types, as guess those guys are easier to boss around.
 
P.S. I asked my wife what she thought of this article and the conversation went like this: 

Me:  Hon, come read read this, tell me what you think,

Wife:  Who wrote this article? it makes no sense!

Me:  Some lady called Claire Lawton,

Wife:  Are you sure?  that sounds more like a man wrote that trying to turn every other man into a more feminine version of themselves, possibly to eliminate competition, jajaja.

Well Brother, after reading the article I must admit for a couple a seconds there I thought of shaving mine off, but after getting my wife's response to the article, my mustache is not going anywhere, I am going to chuck this article in the "worthless literature" file and life going on.

Fart
Fart

Don't forget to pickle it!

mggogo
mggogo

Umm, from the tone of his post, I'm thinking that 'Guest' would rather share my bed than yours; me being a 'real' gay man.  I don't agree with his abusive tone, but I do agree that facial and body hair on men is natural, beautiful, and sexy.  

mggogo
mggogo

Never shave off a moustache!  Every time I've done it I have felt diminished and disappointed.

Jason
Jason

 they now call that clean hairless look manscaping.

Jason
Jason

 I have had a beard and mustache since 1974. it used to run wild back in my younger hippie days but I now trim it up so I can look more sophisticated and sexy for the ladies. but yes your correct  the ladies want the Ricky Martian GQ metro sexual faggy look. thats not for me im sticking to my old school rugged manly manhood looks.

Woodro8
Woodro8

its not hairless, just neat and clean.  Whether a mustache is good or bad depends on the guy, his face shape and the style of mustache. And removing ALL body hair is creepy.  Hair comes when boy turns into man. I don't know about other girls but I prefer a guy well past puberty.

mggogo
mggogo

As a gay man, I never used to use the word 'fag' in any context, but lately even I, (a proud moustache-bearer), have come to loathe and label as 'faggy', some of the effeminate male stylings which have become popular in recent years.  In my mind, men should look like men, gay or straight.  Please don't think that all of us gay guys are wannabe drag queens; it's a social stereotype that simply isn't true.

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