Project Accessory Episode 1: Tears, Bed Springs, and Dirty Laundry

Categories: Film and TV
bedspring necklace.jpg
The bedspring necklace

​Who's been in Vogue, has their jewelry worn by Hollywood luminaries, designed hats for Tyler Perry movies, sells stuff at Nordstrom? These aren't Etsy hopefuls, these aren't recent college grads, these aren't folks selling cool things at the Brooklyn Flea. They're businesspeople. Project Accessory is an ad. 

On the runway, there's good and bad. The guy who makes church hats has created a magnificent ensemble of earrings and a necklace with bedsprings; Nina has created a stunning, intricate necklace out of a rat trap, and the slightly-built man who's made a move on every girl but Nicolina produces a hideous flower necklace, flower earrings and a flower belt that looks like the ghost of Carmen Miranda rummaged through a clearance bin at Michael's. 

The judges don't skip a beat on being mean. There's the editor of In Style, Ariel Something, the legendary Kenneth Cole, who here is identified as "a social activist," host Molly Sims and guest judge Debra Messing, who finally, in her 40's, grew hips. Yay, womanhood!

Molly Sims refers to the flower belt as "luau princess," yet she adores the "post- apocalyptic" belt from the bearded guy made from furniture mats and teddy bear hides. Cortice takes a major hit on her ill-fitting corset belt, which squashes the tiny boobies of her skeletal model. Nicolina has literally made a bandana and a cuff from dirty laundry. It looks like it smells, but I still want a cheeseburger every time I see her. Some other Italian guy makes an outstanding purse, but he's on the wrong show. A man with talents like that should be on "Who Wants To Be In My Will?", full of New York old society ladies looking for young men of questionable sexuality to fill their every need: handbags and foot rubs.

christina caruso.jpg
Christina Caruso

​Trying to figure out who won apparently hurt Molly Sims, who looked like she was being forced to convert decimals into fractions. It made me want to hand her an Advil through the TV. The "luau princess" somehow skates by, and it's down to Cortice's wench-and-ale belt and Nicolina's dirty laundry ensemble -- which, according to social activist Kenneth Cole, "Didn't amount to much" --to hit the road. 

In the end, it's Cortice, who never took off her sunglasses, who leaves heel marks in the dirt. Nina, the tomboy-turned-popular-cheerleader who made high fashion out of a rodent trap, reigns as the victor, which is nice, being that she has the least experience and that she probably only sells her work to Zooey Deschanel and Michelle Williams, which means she's still indy. Looks like she can kick.

But what the hell do I know. Right now, I'm wearing a turban.



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8 comments
Tdelillo
Tdelillo

Hmmm, I like the fake mean comment. Really gets the ball rolling. Makes my intended comment, which was "I can't really muster half a crap to give about the show, and yet I really enjoyed the commentary" seem terribly mundane.

Stewpidasso666
Stewpidasso666

You clearly have some anger management,and self-loathing issues.  I suppose if I had to wake up and see yourpathetically hideous face every morning, I would blog my all of myfrustrations out about people that I have never met.  Perhaps the saddest part is that no one cares about you, oryour blog in Phoenix New Times? You are a damaged spooky little girl who apparently has never had a realfriend in the world.  To blog suchtoxic and negative drivel is just a simple reflection of your soulless, andmeaningless life.  You have anextremely sad illusion of power as you sit behind a computer and hammer yourfat fingers away on you bully pulpit keyboard.  What a coward you are Laurie NOT-TARDO.  Why don’t you do the world a favor andsuck down some lead from one of you husband guns cause you are an insignificant,pointless twit.  The proof?  THIS IS THE ONLY POST YOU ARE GOING TO GET ON YOUR BLOG!!!

Mookzmom
Mookzmom

Clearly your posting name gives away what people think of you. Check out Laurie's facebook and blog if you really believe no one care about her. Laurie and Phoenix newspapers go together like chocolate and peanut butter! GO, Laurie! Your fans are so proud of you!

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