Project Accessory Episode 1: Tears, Bed Springs, and Dirty Laundry

The bedspring necklace

​Who's been in Vogue, has their jewelry worn by Hollywood luminaries, designed hats for Tyler Perry movies, sells stuff at Nordstrom? These aren't Etsy hopefuls, these aren't recent college grads, these aren't folks selling cool things at the Brooklyn Flea. They're businesspeople. Project Accessory is an ad. 

On the runway, there's good and bad. The guy who makes church hats has created a magnificent ensemble of earrings and a necklace with bedsprings; Nina has created a stunning, intricate necklace out of a rat trap, and the slightly-built man who's made a move on every girl but Nicolina produces a hideous flower necklace, flower earrings and a flower belt that looks like the ghost of Carmen Miranda rummaged through a clearance bin at Michael's. 

The judges don't skip a beat on being mean. There's the editor of In Style, Ariel Something, the legendary Kenneth Cole, who here is identified as "a social activist," host Molly Sims and guest judge Debra Messing, who finally, in her 40's, grew hips. Yay, womanhood!

Molly Sims refers to the flower belt as "luau princess," yet she adores the "post- apocalyptic" belt from the bearded guy made from furniture mats and teddy bear hides. Cortice takes a major hit on her ill-fitting corset belt, which squashes the tiny boobies of her skeletal model. Nicolina has literally made a bandana and a cuff from dirty laundry. It looks like it smells, but I still want a cheeseburger every time I see her. Some other Italian guy makes an outstanding purse, but he's on the wrong show. A man with talents like that should be on "Who Wants To Be In My Will?", full of New York old society ladies looking for young men of questionable sexuality to fill their every need: handbags and foot rubs.

Christina Caruso

​Trying to figure out who won apparently hurt Molly Sims, who looked like she was being forced to convert decimals into fractions. It made me want to hand her an Advil through the TV. The "luau princess" somehow skates by, and it's down to Cortice's wench-and-ale belt and Nicolina's dirty laundry ensemble -- which, according to social activist Kenneth Cole, "Didn't amount to much" --to hit the road. 

In the end, it's Cortice, who never took off her sunglasses, who leaves heel marks in the dirt. Nina, the tomboy-turned-popular-cheerleader who made high fashion out of a rodent trap, reigns as the victor, which is nice, being that she has the least experience and that she probably only sells her work to Zooey Deschanel and Michelle Williams, which means she's still indy. Looks like she can kick.

But what the hell do I know. Right now, I'm wearing a turban.