Project Accessory Episode 1: Tears, Bed Springs, and Dirty Laundry

Categories: Film and TV
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Project Accessory

​It took 19 minutes before a contestant burst into tears on last night's premiere episode of  Project Accessory, and that included seven minutes of commercial interruptions.

After being allotted 15 minutes to rummage through two storage units full of stuff you'd find in the Dumpster behind Goodwill to secure materials to make a belt, necklace and accessory of their choice, the contestants on the first episode find their way to their new workroom, where the releasing of the egos arrives like lions at the Coliseum. 

The one-name only Cotrice has her wares for sale at Urban Outfitters and announces, "I'm not going to be eliminated. They will be sacrificed." Okay, that's not creepy on the first day of school. Or anything. 

Then there's challenger Christina Caruso, whose line can be found at Bendels and has been featured on Sex and the City, and who has the biggest mouth found on most humans at this stage of evolution. To make matters worse, the sounds that come out of it can only be fixed at Bill King's Brake-O.

"Awwwwl of a sudden," the New Yorker says with wide eyes and at least one completely closed sinus passage, "I see a glahhsss shandahleeeah," she caws after her trip to the storage unit. I already hate her, which isn't fair, just honest. I'm nearly positive I'm related to her.


In the workroom, everyone's pounding, tearing, and gluing away at rat traps, baby buggies, old couches and then there's the guy skinning teddy bears. He has a beard. I can't remember his name, which is fine, because at this point, most of the players are still a mystery, as we haven't been introduced to them yet. I don't know how many there are, either--it's too early to count, and at this stage of the game it's too foolish to become sincere about any of them. 

It's still only ten minutes into the horror film, and if you're going to form an attachment, there needs to be some skill assessment before the first victim gets dragged under the front porch. Better to wait, see what sort of reflexes they have and how high they can kick before you make a bet.

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Nicolina Royale
Nicolina Royale, who proudly proclaimed herself as a "rock and roll chick" and happily rattled off Steven Tyler and Nicki Minaj as past clients, is the first one to pee her pants after my TIVO counter says the show's been on for barely 19 minutes. In real time, it's been seven hours of doing absolutely nothing in the workroom for Nicolina as the tears drip, drip, drip. First of all, your name reminds me of a cheeseburger and I doubt you had it in third grade. So I'm a little happy that you're crying. Second of all, Steven Tyler just had food poisoning, fell down in the shower, knocked his teeth out, got new teeth and climbed on stage the same friggin night. Pull your hair out and make a necklace out of that if you have to, but Enya's not your client. Nicki Minaj is, and she'll use you as a toilet then never buy anything from you again if she sees you bawling on TV like you forgot to take your meds.  

"Yoga would be beneficial for Nicolina," Shea Curry, sometimes actress and clearly the show buzzkill, mentions sadly. Her clients include Neve Campbell and Fergie, and she will be seen in "New Year's Eve," which opens December 9! If you forget, there will be three excessively long and tedious commercials for it. My hope is that she gets dragged under the porch in about 40 minutes.

The rest of the contestant roster is the same. Each new face has a pedigreed client list that assures you that they're somebody. Gone are the days of discovering new talent on reality shows; this talent has been established, marketed and sells at retail that you and I cannot afford. 

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8 comments
Tdelillo
Tdelillo

Hmmm, I like the fake mean comment. Really gets the ball rolling. Makes my intended comment, which was "I can't really muster half a crap to give about the show, and yet I really enjoyed the commentary" seem terribly mundane.

Stewpidasso666
Stewpidasso666

You clearly have some anger management,and self-loathing issues.  I suppose if I had to wake up and see yourpathetically hideous face every morning, I would blog my all of myfrustrations out about people that I have never met.  Perhaps the saddest part is that no one cares about you, oryour blog in Phoenix New Times? You are a damaged spooky little girl who apparently has never had a realfriend in the world.  To blog suchtoxic and negative drivel is just a simple reflection of your soulless, andmeaningless life.  You have anextremely sad illusion of power as you sit behind a computer and hammer yourfat fingers away on you bully pulpit keyboard.  What a coward you are Laurie NOT-TARDO.  Why don’t you do the world a favor andsuck down some lead from one of you husband guns cause you are an insignificant,pointless twit.  The proof?  THIS IS THE ONLY POST YOU ARE GOING TO GET ON YOUR BLOG!!!

Mookzmom
Mookzmom

Clearly your posting name gives away what people think of you. Check out Laurie's facebook and blog if you really believe no one care about her. Laurie and Phoenix newspapers go together like chocolate and peanut butter! GO, Laurie! Your fans are so proud of you!

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