Project Accessory Episode 1: Tears, Bed Springs, and Dirty Laundry
It took 19 minutes before a contestant burst into tears on last night's premiere episode of Project Accessory, and that included seven minutes of commercial interruptions.
After being allotted 15 minutes to rummage through two storage units full of stuff you'd find in the Dumpster behind Goodwill to secure materials to make a belt, necklace and accessory of their choice, the contestants on the first episode find their way to their new workroom, where the releasing of the egos arrives like lions at the Coliseum.
The one-name only Cotrice has her wares for sale at Urban Outfitters and announces, "I'm not going to be eliminated. They will be sacrificed." Okay, that's not creepy on the first day of school. Or anything.
Then there's challenger Christina Caruso, whose line can be found at Bendels and has been featured on Sex and the City, and who has the biggest mouth found on most humans at this stage of evolution. To make matters worse, the sounds that come out of it can only be fixed at Bill King's Brake-O.
"Awwwwl of a sudden," the New Yorker says with wide eyes and at least one completely closed sinus passage, "I see a glahhsss shandahleeeah," she caws after her trip to the storage unit. I already hate her, which isn't fair, just honest. I'm nearly positive I'm related to her.
"Yoga would be beneficial for Nicolina," Shea Curry, sometimes actress and clearly the show buzzkill, mentions sadly. Her clients include Neve Campbell and Fergie, and she will be seen in "New Year's Eve," which opens December 9! If you forget, there will be three excessively long and tedious commercials for it. My hope is that she gets dragged under the porch in about 40 minutes.
The rest of the contestant roster is the same. Each new face has a pedigreed client list that assures you that they're somebody. Gone are the days of discovering new talent on reality shows; this talent has been established, marketed and sells at retail that you and I cannot afford.