Six Stupid Summer Diets

Categories: Top Lists
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Publicist Jonathan Cheban freezes his fat off on "The Spin Crowd"
Summer is here, which really means only one thing: it's a fantastic time to start that diet for this weekend's pool party or slosh down the Salt River.

No need for a gym membership, these six fixes will have you ready in no time.

1. Freeze Your Fat
Keep in mind, after this new, hype-crazy, non-invasive surgical procedure, your chunky ice handles won't keep you cool in the summer. Zeltiq, a patented trend that also goes by "cool sculpting" just joined the high-standard rankings of FDA-approved health treatments.

How it works: a vacuum-like device sucks the fat into a central area and freezes the fat cells, which then die a slow (and very painful) death over a 6-to-8-week period. Note: Zeltig is not technically a "diet" and can be done multiple times -- meaning you can go back to eating whatever the hell you want after your fat cells die.

2. The Tongue Patch Diet

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Sometimes food is so good that we have to resort to finding a crockpot doctor to sew a rather large patch on our tongues that make it painful and uncomfortable to eat. That's right food-hating masochists, this one's for you.

Not only does the tongue patch get sewn onto one of your most sensitive body parts, you also get to experience sharp, ripping pain anytime something solid enters your mouth. Not to worry, the patch is not permanent, so as soon as you rip that sucker out with a toothpick, you can go back to eating your bacon.

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3. FitFlops
Fugly shoe fiends everywhere rejoice -- there's a new, useless shoe to add to your collection with the added (false) promise of giving you legs like the ones to the right. Fitflops are marketed on infomercials and trusted diet-trend stores including Walgreens and Claire's as "footwear with a gym built-in."

That's a great promise if you're actually walking around all the time ... in which case, you should probably just invest in a real pair of sneakers and ditch the fugly shoes.

4. 80 Bites
The only possibly more annoying than watching someone text and eat across the table, is watching someone incessantly tap a stupid application to count how many bites are in a turkey sandwich (about 24).

The iPhone app, 80 Bites (which will already cost you 99 cents and the respect of anyone who eats with you), asserts that a healthy daily intake of food is indeed, around 80 "average" bites of food. Open wide.

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5. The Sensa Sniffer
Our sense of smell is one of our strongest and can trigger certain emotional and chemical responses in the brain. Lucky for all those used to snorting (fumes of) flavorless crystals, Sensa recently released with what looks like a chunky salt shaker with two caps for "salty" and "sweet" smells.

To curb your appetite, the box reads, just inhale deeply before each bite, sprinkle the food with the crystals that "boost the food's scent," and subsequently increase your chance of getting arrested for looking like you're on crack.

6. The Baby Food Diet
We owe so much to Jennifer Aniston: the haircut, putting Brad Pitt back on the market briefly, taking John Mayer off the market briefly, and now, we can add the baby food diet. Aniston was credited earlier this year for popularizing the diet -- 14 servings of pureed baby food each day -- but insists she was never on it.

Regardless, plenty of layered-haircut loving women are scarfing down Gerbers and waiting for the pounds to drop. Hope they have as much fun digesting like a baby after eating like one.


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22 comments
Sensa
Sensa

oh ..Interesting that was really a great post to read out.  Many Thanks to the author.

Penelope Rock
Penelope Rock

Whew! These summer diets are surely one of a kind! I guess, freezing your fat could be painful than burning your fat, eh.

Halftheway
Halftheway

I disagree with you on 80bites. It's a simple and smart app that could easily be used discreetly. Sometimes losing weight isn't about being the coolest person anyway and besides at least it's a healthy and appropriate form of reducing intake unlike the other ridiculous claims out there. I'm pretty sure that counting bites while eating a turkey sandwich at Subway wouldn't be noticed enough to irritate anyone. The entire sum of the message for Americans is to scale down; 80bites is one solution to helping people eat less.

William R.
William R.

 I have used *A LOT* of iPhone diet apps... and hands down the best one in my opinion is intelli-Diet. I've lost 12 pounds in a few weeks and i just love using it. their link is http://bit.ly/intelli-Diet

104marion
104marion

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80 Bites - An app to keep track of how much I am actually puttingin my mouth all day long (I think we all know it's not that one turkey sandwich at lunch that is causing all the trouble).  It's a simpleconcept but sounds sensible to me. Hmmm but do I want to risk looking stupid infront of my friends?  Or risk losingtheir respect for me at the dinner table? No way.  Definitely not.  I’ll just continue to over eat and stayfat.  That’ll keep everyone liking me.

 

james
james

Ok, so can we try it or not?

107ave
107ave

80 bites is an amazing program and I totally disagree with your review. The app works so well and once you use it for a week you learn what a proper portion should look like. Its not an app you use forever but what it teaches you will never be forgotten. it is simply a new approach to eating. You can eat what you like just in moderation. Plus it helps you eat slower, who doesn't need thatFor .99 cents I recommend everyone try it.

Elliew143
Elliew143

I use 80 bites. I am not some illiterate num nuts. It is a great way to learn portion control. You evident ally have no idea what you are talking about. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it. I have had a struggle with portion control all my life. I know how to eat healthy and how to lose weight. I also know that now I eat small amounts of food and I am satisfied and for the first time in my almost 80 years I am having q slow comfortable weight loss. Yes, it is a slow way to lose weight but it works. Get your facts before you make these kind of claims. You should have addressed questions to someone who has tried it instead of just surmising it is stupid.

Jbart5
Jbart5

24 bites in the sandwich; then add the  25 of fries; and the  12 of the "healthy" fruit for  dessert and  you  have s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d your  stomach and  you will do just fine at an all you can eat  buffet -- many of these in Phoenix so bring your big stomachs and get bigger and fatter. 

JuxtaPalate Food Blog
JuxtaPalate Food Blog

 Wow! Can I try all 6 at once!? This could be the next super diet. (I'm in.)

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