Jan Brewer to Pen a Memoir ... A Suggested Table of Contents

Categories: Literary
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Governor Jan Brewer has agreed to pen her memoirs to be published by Harper Collins this fall.

The book has the working title: "Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America's Border."

That title seems a little self-serving, and Brewer's a busy lady -- ya know, being a governor, and all -- so we've come up with our own title for Jan's book, as well as a list of suggestions (that are probably slightly more accurate than whatever revised version of history her ghost writers have in store) for subjects of potential chapters.

See our table of contents and potential artwork after the jump. 


Title: Governor Glug-Glug: an alleged DUI, political opportunism and how to "has did" what was necessary to fall ass-backwards into the accidental governorship of an entire state.

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Lalo Cota
1. Moments of Silence -- and Other Ways to Look Like a Fucking Idiot on YouTube.

- The highlight of last year's gubernatorial campaign was Jan's epic brain fart during a debate, during which she sat in silence for over 20 seconds and giggled like a cheerleader as the audience watched in horror. It was embarrassing to watch. Check it out here.
 
2. "Drive Hammered, Get Nailed": Jan and the Brew Crew Take on Drunk Driving (While Invoking Legislative Privilege).

- In 1988, our dear governor crashed into the back of a mini-van after drinking what she claimed was "two scotches." She failed every field sobriety test in the responding officer's arsenal and police suspected she was drunk. However, because Jan was a sitting Arizona senator during a legislative session at the time, she was never charged and the incident was never investigated. For more on that, click here.
 
3. SB 1070: a Love Story.

- Prior to signing SB 1070, Arizona's controversial immigration law, Brewer was one of the least popular politicians -- within her own party -- in the entire country. However, after extensive polling to determine how it would impact her politically, Brewer signed the bill -- and ta-da! she was one of the GOP's cool kids. She rode the wave of popularity all the way to the Governor's Office. For more, click here.
 
4. Community: the Pride and Joy of Glendale Community College.

Jan Brewer's education extends no further than a degree from Glendale Community College. Fact. There's nothing wrong with an associate's degree -- assuming your job isn't to run an entire state.

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Zarco Guerrero
5. Greta VanSusteren -- Yeah, We're Besties.

- After becoming the darling of the Conservative movement after signing SB 1070 and taking on the Obama Administration, Brewer appeared on Fox News' On the Record With Greta Van Susteren, like, every other night for about six months for a little girl talk. It's safe to say the two became BFFFs.


6. So...This One Time...I Was in the Desert...and I Pretended I Saw a Headless Body...

- Another of Jan's epic public boners was her insistence that the Arizona desert was littered with headless bodies -- the result, obviously, of illegal-immigrant-related crime. The only problem with that was that the Arizona desert isn't littered with headless bodies and Jan simply made it up. She was then forced to concede that she "misspoke" when she said decapitated bodies had been found by "our law enforcement agencies" along the US-Mexico border. Click here for more. 

7. Even I Make "Birthers" Look Nuts.

- Earlier this year, Jan shocked the world during her brief encounter with common sense when she vetoed several far-right-wing-nut bills, including the humiliating "Birther Bill," which could have forced presidential candidates to provide documentation describing what their penis looks like in order to get on the ballot in Arizona. "Birthers" went nuts, and Brewer looked sane -- albeit only briefly. For more click here.
 
8. My Father Was Killed Fighting Nazis -- Only, He Wasn't.

- In defending herself from idiotic, leftist attacks that she was "Hitler's daughter," Brewer said the charges were offensive because "my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany." There's a minor problem: Brewer's pops died in California -- 10 years after the war ended -- and last time we checked, the Blitzkrieg never found its way to Hollywood. More on that here.

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9. Constitution? What Constitution?

- Jan Brewer recently said she's pretty sure she's allowed to run for another term as governor, which she's not, according to the Arizona Constitution. When confronted with the news that she's not permitted by the Constitution to run for another term, Brewer's office told New Times that portion of the Constitution might not apply to her. More on that here.


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30 comments
amiwills
amiwills

i don't want to waste any more time about that ding bat jan brewer.  she and sarah palin are one in same kind of opportunistic fluzzies. 

AZGregory
AZGregory

I love her comment at the news conference to announce the appeal to the Supreme Court on SB1070 a couple of days ago. The woman has prepared remarks and doesn't have to say but a minute or two of "tough talk" and she still can't finish a damn sentence: She said it is necessary to get the injunction lifted and to go forward "... in order to keep the safety and welfare of the people of Arizona and of America safe." This is the headless corpse grammar we can look forward to in her fine memoir. Of course it was written by some ghost author twit but it will be entertaining to see her muck up the obligatory book tour interviews. She can cash in on her 15 nano-seconds of fame by selling large print editions to all the Fox News knuckledraggers but I don't see any way it is going to help her chances for that third term she is thinking about.

AZGregory
AZGregory

I heard the first 25 pages of the book are blank.

Jason
Jason

This shit made me laugh so hard I was choking.

James King hit the nail on the head when it comes to describing Jan.

Here's my version:

1) The brain fart: The result of my association with Senate President Russell Pearce. 2) Invoking legislative privilege: Scott Bundgaard tore that page right out of my playbook.

3) SB1070: It's all Washington DC's fault I had to sign this eyesore. We're being invaded by Mexicans at an alarming rate.

4) Education: I don't have one, so I won't allow any other Arizonan to have one either.

5) Greta Van Susteren: I learned from Sheriff Joe and Sheriff Paul Buffoon how to get my ugly mug in front of dozens of cameras and how to listen for mentions of my name.

6)Headless bodies: I was in the time machine and I travelled back to King Louie XVI's France, where I saw a headless body after the prisoner was guillotined. Oh wait, I had another brain fart........

7)Birthers: I was getting fitted for my straitjacket when I started taking the meds to get those voices out of my head and returned to sanity, though only temporarily. I now realize and understand that President Obama is in fact a U.S. citizen.

8)Nazis: My dad did fight the Nazis, and after his successful military career, he retired to the Golden State where he enjoyed the rest of his life before passing away.

9)Third term: The 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, nor does the Arizona Constitution apply to me because I have did what's best for Arizona.

vic
vic

Harper Collins really needs to pass on this and save their money. Who in the hell would buy it besides a couple Fox News planet gazers, no one is going to buy her stupid book.

Coz
Coz

What Fucking idiots Arizona elects to run this place.

I used to think it was just the politicians that are total morons, well, they still are, but the voters in this State are far bigger morons.

Gizzards
Gizzards

Don't forget her Official Indian Name: "Dances with DingBats"

Tommy Collins
Tommy Collins

Not true, according to the Flaccid Fool of MCSO. He said he had 'help' writing the book and hadn't even read it....

Tommy Collins
Tommy Collins

I just sent a check for a signed copy of the book to be sent directly to your house, Coz. You may have to fight your wife to see who reads it first, however. No need to thank me... :-)

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