Cake Pops Are the Worst: The 7 Layers of the Cake Hierarchy

Categories: Sugar Rush

Rachel Miller
Lemon meringue cake

My husband stormed into the bedroom the other night in a rage. I know you are starting to think you clicked the wrong link and that this is Katie Johnson's awesome Jackalope Ranch column, Courting Disaster, in which she writes about sexual exploits. Nope, just a cake pop hater here in this Sugar Rush column.

Anyway, my husband was upset because a reader commented on my column Pastry Trends We Wish Would Die in 2014 with the following:

See Also: 5 Ways to Cook and Bake with Citrus

"This is truly a sign of the decline. Maybe it's only a matter of time for the vision of the original owners of this zine to get lost in the corporate shuffle. Cake pops are delicious. I don't like cake much, but cake pops are doughy and delicious. Fuck yourself. What happened to facts about corruption instead of bashing on desserts. Dear editors, you are losing your integrity rapidly this way. Sincerely, a longtime reader and supporter. Remember when you were pissing off sheriffs instead of local bakery owners. Think about the local companies, douchebags. Let us bring hard hitting articles back. Don't make yourselves something less than what you can be. It matters to us."

Apparently I offended him and his deep passion for cake pops. My husband got mad about someone telling me to "f--k yourself." I laughed uncontrollably about the comment.

So, let me just take a moment to extend this heartfelt sentiment . . .

Cake pops suck! And not in a good way. Welcome to my hard-hitting article on the hierarchy of cake.

We will start at the top of the cake pyramid, with real buttercream, and slide down the scale to the bottom of the pit with cake pops.

Rachel Miller
Chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream.

Real Buttercream or a Variety of Housemade/Homemade Frosting/Meringue/Glazes with Housemade/Homemade Cake
Light, ethereal mounds of buttercream on cake made with real butter. This is the epoch of perfect cake. Also falling into step with this category are more artisan cakes. That perfect pineapple upside-down cake or the persimmons cake that sometimes makes an appearance at FnB. A lemon meringue cake with toasty dollops of meringue. These are the cakes you want to nourish your sweet tooth.

Thick Sugary Icing with Housemade or Homemade Cake
Made with powdered sugar and butter, this icing is tooth-achingly sweet, but it is perfect for your niece's 5th birthday party, as it's reminiscent of your 5th birthday party. A rich treat for a special occasion.

Location Info

FnB Restaurant

7125 E. 5th Ave., Scottsdale, AZ

Category: Restaurant

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My Voice Nation Help

Meh. De gustibus non est disputandum.  Buttercream of any variety gives me a headache, and I find light, fluffy cake boring.  Like your commenter, I prefer the dense and doughy bite of a cake pop.  Otherwise, give me pie.  This is why food criticism generally rests on a bed of sand, because it assumes a shared set of criteria on which the judgment is based.  As long as everyone agrees that fries should be crispy, ranking them by criteria that include crispiness is fine.  But get a weirdo like me who likes her fries hot but limp, and it all falls apart.  Or at least, any attempt to make universal statements fall apart.

Laura Ory
Laura Ory

So, so true. I made them once and never again. They can be cute but they taste pretty awful.

Dan Moody
Dan Moody

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

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