Six Signs that Pinterest Food Pins Are Destroying the World
Every day, I cringe. Every day, I gag. Every day on Pinterest is another opportunity to witness atrocious food pins, indications that our society is crumbling around its very foundation. True, I've scored some great ideas and recipes on the site, but more times than not, I'm trying to control my primal reflexes when it comes to offense of seeing what find some acceptable to share in public.
6. Unconventional food vessels
I don't know how many mason jars you have hanging around your house, but if you don't have a farm and the answer is more than five, you really need to have a garage sale because you are tipping the bad side of the hoarding scale, my friend. A guy up the street from us was actually on an episode of Hoarders because he kept living in his hovel even after most of it burned down. He threw a couple of tarps over what was left of the roof and used a chainsaw to cut out some new windows in the plywood that had (and still does) the word "CONDEMNED" stapled to it.
If you ask relatives, I'm sure they would say that mason jars were the first sign of trouble stirring in that pot, and that it all started when he had a dinner party and thought it would be cute to serve individual salads in them. Get it? Get it? You shake it!!!!
So when I see a girl in a sequined headband buying 24 clay flower pots at Home Depot to make cupcakes in, or witness that muffin pans are used as dishes, my hate is evenly spread on those crackers, too.
Chances are, the people who would put anything in a _______ (insert Pinny phrase here: "So cute!" "Yes please!" and "I'm going to do this!") jar are the same people who put up signs asking you to take your shoes off before you walk through their house. Really. Skip the clay pot tutorial. Use a friggin plate. (Note: Ask me how many mason jars I have in my house: Enough for a cameo on Hoarders.)
Please. I'm begging Pinterest. Can we stop with the quinoa, made even more annoying by the pronunciation of "keen-wah!!!" (yes, the three exclamation points is correct, as is opening your mouth as widely as possible on each syllable). Possibly the most annoying foodstuff to trend this year.
Even more annoying than the word "trend." Let's be honest: I can't figure out what the hell it is; is it rice, is it pasta, and really, who cares because it looks like larvae no matter how you cook it. No matter how you try to convince me how delicious it is, I know it's not and that you are lying because you don't want to feel gullible alone. If I'm ever in the jungle, my limbs are rotting off, and cannibals are chasing me, I might eat it because I'm sure I'd find some under a fallen log, but until then, back off, People of Quinoa.
And for the sake of all that's holy, I am begging all hippies to stop putting it in brownies and making "mac and cheese" with it. I don't want to see another picture of bug egg burgers or unhatched kale cakes. Enough is enough. Just because you saw it in the Fearless Flyer at Trader Joe's doesn't mean it's law.
4. Crock pots
I keep waiting for the wave to crest just like it did in 1984 when my mom finally unplugged hers and put it in the storage room, but all of the pictures of breakfast casseroles and creamy chicken thingies are making me doubt the laws of physics. Almost every time I gag while on Pinterest, it's due to a slow cooker-induced wave of nausea.
No more pizza casseroles, I plead. Stop making cheesecakes in them, or any recipe with the word "ranch" in the name. ("Ranch" is the go-to word in crock-pot gagging. Honestly, it works every time, especially when combined with the word "bacon.") And guess what? Sure, you can make a sub sandwich in the slow cooker (I've seen pictures!), but it should only take you eight hours to put ham on bread is if you have two hook hands. And hardly anyone has that.
Guess what? I'm making chicken and dumplings right now. Without a slow cooker. I put it in a pot -- yes, a regular, metal pot! -- and...turned the burner on. That was all. Yes, you can. You can. I promise. Walk away from the plague, I warn. I know the Mormon Church is giving one slow cooker away with every conversion, and yes, that's better than baptizing Anne Frank, but not much. Not really.