Laurie Notaro's Army of Foodies, the Amuse Douchers of the Culinary World
Modern, Cutting-Edge Parents
You know, those who refuse to leave baby at home and brag that their offspring's first "chewables" were roasted beets and chevre. "Oh. Parsley LOVES arugula. LOVES. Has since she was nine months old!" Babies don't belong anywhere in which the place setting includes two forks, and not because your baby threw the first one on the floor. I will fight you on this. As in a parking lot kicking fight. You had a baby; now stay home with it. It's not cute, you're not progressive and it's only untrodden territory to bring along your baby if your baby is a dog. Because people like dogs. People don't like Baby Foodies. All you're really doing is showing us that two selfish people have devoted their lives to raising another selfish asshole. Thanks. We really needed another one.
"Now What I Would Have Done"
Who likes to dissect the menu and alert all dining companions to its flaws and what he would have done instead after a semester in culinary school, although his current job is cooking up burgs and fries for a place called "Quackers." He Tivoed all episodes of Top Chef and refuses to delete them, "just in case." He favorite game is playing "Guess What Shit I Just Put In Your Mouth" blindfolded because he once got offal (the organs of an animal, such as the brains, spine and stomach) right and a drunk girl clapped for him. His biggest nemesis is mayonnaise from a jar, and once had a hissy fit in the condiment aisle at Whole Foods because passers-by "just weren't getting how easy aioli is to make with a simple immersion blender."