Laurie Notaro's Eight Food(ie) Terms Past Their Expiration Dates
This means jam. It means nothing but jam, except that in Italian it means "asshole" or more specifically, "sphincter." Not so fancy now, is it?
Punishment: an Anthony Bourdain dream in which he is allowed to do anything to you with a pork butt, and you like it. The shame when you awake is paralyzing.
3."BTBRTS" and "Sprinky Dink"
Both of these are born of the unholy Anne Burrell. Okay, so in a way I like her because she has the gut of a Teamster and still insists on wearing sweaters, but I also realize that anyone capable of such atrocities as BTBRTS -- "bring to boil; reduce to simmer" -- also has the power in her to kick out anyone's teeth after two Long Island iced teas. I think this one is an arcing wire, the work of a mad man.
So what if I can tell where her bellybutton is when she's wearing a turtleneck: "Sprinky dink" is nothing short of making me want to drink two Long Island iced teas and rear up my own hooves.
Punishment: wear an acrylic XS sweater from Walmart and speak in nothing but anagrams all day while someone films you, then makes you watch it.
I just hate it, I know you don't mean it, and it makes you sound fatter.
Punishment: For every offense, you must donate a toe to Paula Deen.
1. "There's No Crying In Top Chef!"
Alas, but there is. You've not only lost -- most likely to a bossy fat girl, but possibly to your own shithead brother -- but no one will ever come to your restaurant again. And yes, chances are good that we have seen the last of you, not counting the reunion show.
Punishment: the reunion show.