Laurie Notaro's Eight Food(ie) Terms Past Their Expiration Dates

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Some people, such as readers of Eatocracy, followers of multiple food blogs, and Food Network devotees, consider themselves as inductees in a special club of "culinary provocateurs" who rise far above the standard chewers of mealtime. So much to the point that as any exclusive rank, they've invented their own language, like twins who didn't eat each other in the womb, or a feral Jodie Foster living secretly in the woods.

Chicka, Chicka, chickabee.

Anyway, below are the most horrific examples of Foodiespeak, gathered from all sources. Naturally, I believe a punishment schedule should be enforced so the rest of us don't have to tolerate this nonsense as it invades menus, cooking shows, and conversations overheard from the asshole in the booth behind us that will eventually cause a spoon-related attack, mark my words. The ones you can understand.

8. Amuse Bouche
Thanks, Padma Lakshmi, for bringing this gem to the forefront when you could have just said, "appetizer," or even more truthfully, "jalapeño popper." Now every guy who owns a can of hair fixative is busy telling his guests that spray cheese on a Triscuit is something super classy, like dip in a bread bowl. Amuse your own mouth, Padma; you have an illegitimate baby. You do.
Punishment: be made to eat dip AND the bread bowl.

7. Mouthfeel
This is an asshole's word for texture. The only time anyone should ever be concerned with mouthfeel is if you don't have any, or if your mouth terrain is being altered without the aid of narcotics.
Punishment: the removal of a visible tooth and the onset of dry sockets. Let's make them eat the tooth, too. THAT's mouthfeel.

6. Foam
Jesus wept, I swear. These bubbles are nothing but food spittle. For all you know, there could be a station of assisted living people sitting in the kitchen chewing your dinner first and dribbling all over your food. That's what you need to think about when you see that on a menu, because any food that can create foam is either going to cause a disease or cure one.
Punishment: forced to eat any Hometown Buffet dish covered in its own foam.

5. "Two ways"
How about SHUT UP two ways? One with a disgusted look on my face when you take your pomposity to the level that you feel the need to explain why you fried a piece of pork and then also roasted one. How much Adderall are you on that you can't handle eating one piece of meat the same way for the whole meal? The second way of telling you to SHUT UP is by using my "finger feel" to determine which piece of meat is hotter so I know which one to pick up and throw at your face.
Punishment: style Donald Trump's hair because if you want to attain that level of tooldom, you need to understand the root of the word.

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29 comments
Some inaccuracies, but...
Some inaccuracies, but...

Okay, fine, coulis and jam aren't the same thing. But, I have seen people try to pass a jam off as a coulis multiple times. And I just went to a restaurant, where they tried to pass off bread and garlic butter as an amuse bouche. This article isn't insulting those who actually know something about food, but those that try to trick people into thinking they're sophisticated.

Cwohlschlaeger
Cwohlschlaeger

Laurie, you are always so damn funny!!  After being in the food business for over 20 years, I appreciate your humor on this topic.  Ignore the goofballs here. Aside from missing what "coulis" is, you are spot on.  Most of these people have no taste and no humor.  Like many of your books, blogs, and other writings, I found this article hilarious!

Nudie Foodie
Nudie Foodie

This article is awesome. Laurie Notaro hits it right on the head.

Guest
Guest

What was the point of this article?  Was being snarky and rude an attempt at being clever or interesting?  Hopefully you're not someone we hear from again.

GlitterBug
GlitterBug

 I'm guessing you missed the fact that Laurie has authored *several* (hilarious) books?

Guest
Guest

That's true, I've never heard of her before this article, and hope to never read anything from her again.

Natalie Heyer
Natalie Heyer

That's funny! To bad they didn't say, NO I DIDN'T!!!

Shana
Shana

She is HILARIOUS!

Foodie wanna be
Foodie wanna be

I love how everyone thinks they are a "FOODIE" because they eat out at the most trendiness restaurants in town. You ARE NOT a foodie because you eat out, shut your mouth and if you don't like something just say you don't like it, it's not because your palette is sophisticated, it's because it doesn't taste good to you. Don't try to justify it because you think you know something about food, cause your momma knows you don't know shit. Stupid annoying people.

Capmangoe26
Capmangoe26

What's a "most trendiness restaurant?"  What's a palette?  Don't try to justify it because you think you know something about English, "'cause your momma knows you don't know shit."  

Foodie wanna be
Foodie wanna be

You must be a self-proclaimed "FOODIE". Go figure. Want to meet at Beckett's Table  tonight...I assume that is trendy enough for you.

Parlainglese
Parlainglese

Coulis  does not mean Asshole in Italian...  Cullo means Butt -  Stronzo means Asshole.  Coulis is a french word. 

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

It's "culo," and I'm sorry, I don't want to be rude, but it does mean "asshole." The less formal form of "culo" is "culi" as in, "Show me your coolie (phonetically speaking, please understand), mamma!" which is what my Italian grandmother used to say to her grandchildren. All Italians do. I guess they like little baby asses. What can you do.

Coulis is NOT Jam
Coulis is NOT Jam


Coulis is NOT jam - it's nothing like jam. It's a sauce usually made from strained vegetables, sometimes fruit. Jam is fruit stewed in sugar.

Straining vs Stewing = Coulis vs Jam.

Biggggggg difference. Weird to be so snarky, and miss that mark.

 

Joel LaTondress
Joel LaTondress

I've heard this before - people complaining about "foam" or "two ways" - blah blah. There's no way you can be sick of these terms unless you're eating fine dining twice a week. Go tell Kevin Binkley to stop using "amuse bouche", I dare you.

Barb
Barb

Good luck with that. And how about "layers of flavor". I use it to sound fancy, but then I want to go wash my mouth out with tabasco. Just like mom used to make us when we said a bad word. Like "coulis".

Morris Natalie R
Morris Natalie R

What about foodie?

Kathy Monkman
Kathy Monkman

 Pretty sure it was Sarah Silverman that said "foodie is the new fattie".  We've been served.

Dominic Armato
Dominic Armato

Make you a deal... even though coulis and jam are *not* the same, I'll stop using coulis when the New Times stops making lists ;-)

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

Your choice, my friend, your choice. By all means, keep using it, just as long as you know that the person you're saying it to is thinking "culo," in their heads, but in English. I can't control that. :(

Dominic Armato
Dominic Armato

And Butthead thinks it's funny if I use the word "rod," but I try not to let the snarky, juvenile set dictate my vocabulary.  If they can't hear "coulis" in a sentence without snickering, I'm inclined to think it says more about them than it does about me.

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

I agree with you and I think you're a doll. I do not think you are a coulis abuser. I think you respect coulis, you treat it kindly and don't force your knowledge of the word on others around you, and for that, I applaud! I applaud! I make a mean Sunday gravy, too-- but what was an old man doing with wheatgrass juice? Did he mistake it for wine (fingers crossed). Maybe someday we can trade recipes and see exactly how closely related we are! I had an aunt with the last name of D'Amato, which is close, but maybe not enough to call you cousin. :( That's a little sad.

Dominic Armato
Dominic Armato

Three-quarters, paesan.  Though my mother's father was once caught sneaking wheatgrass juice into the Sunday gravy, so some might argue that at least one of the three is an impostor, even if the abundance of Paulies in his extended family speak otherwise.  To answer your question, no, I don't recall when culo hit my radar, but it didn't come from them.  And the only thing shaking when the Irish-German grandmother was around were knees.

Whether or not the world could use a coulis-laced tirade, sorry to disappoint, but I'll limit its use to when it's warranted.  As with all such lists, I suspect the rage is inspired less by the words themselves than their use by those who get a little too caught up in themselves and can't recognize when they're trying way too hard.  I don't always succeed, but I try not to be that guy.  How 'bout you?

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

I am liking your chutzpah! Take it to eleven, Dom, be the biggest coulis you can be!  It
actually does say more about them than it does you, but I don't think
we need to pay attention to that right now. Take that coulis to the
heights!  And domo arigato, Mr. Armato! (Didn't any of your Nanas make
you shake your coolie at her? I sense some Italian, pisan.) Are you making coulis for dinner? Say yes!!!

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