Laurie Notaro's Eight Food(ie) Terms Past Their Expiration Dates

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Some people, such as readers of Eatocracy, followers of multiple food blogs, and Food Network devotees, consider themselves as inductees in a special club of "culinary provocateurs" who rise far above the standard chewers of mealtime. So much to the point that as any exclusive rank, they've invented their own language, like twins who didn't eat each other in the womb, or a feral Jodie Foster living secretly in the woods.

Chicka, Chicka, chickabee.

Anyway, below are the most horrific examples of Foodiespeak, gathered from all sources. Naturally, I believe a punishment schedule should be enforced so the rest of us don't have to tolerate this nonsense as it invades menus, cooking shows, and conversations overheard from the asshole in the booth behind us that will eventually cause a spoon-related attack, mark my words. The ones you can understand.

8. Amuse Bouche
Thanks, Padma Lakshmi, for bringing this gem to the forefront when you could have just said, "appetizer," or even more truthfully, "jalapeño popper." Now every guy who owns a can of hair fixative is busy telling his guests that spray cheese on a Triscuit is something super classy, like dip in a bread bowl. Amuse your own mouth, Padma; you have an illegitimate baby. You do.
Punishment: be made to eat dip AND the bread bowl.

7. Mouthfeel
This is an asshole's word for texture. The only time anyone should ever be concerned with mouthfeel is if you don't have any, or if your mouth terrain is being altered without the aid of narcotics.
Punishment: the removal of a visible tooth and the onset of dry sockets. Let's make them eat the tooth, too. THAT's mouthfeel.

6. Foam
Jesus wept, I swear. These bubbles are nothing but food spittle. For all you know, there could be a station of assisted living people sitting in the kitchen chewing your dinner first and dribbling all over your food. That's what you need to think about when you see that on a menu, because any food that can create foam is either going to cause a disease or cure one.
Punishment: forced to eat any Hometown Buffet dish covered in its own foam.

5. "Two ways"
How about SHUT UP two ways? One with a disgusted look on my face when you take your pomposity to the level that you feel the need to explain why you fried a piece of pork and then also roasted one. How much Adderall are you on that you can't handle eating one piece of meat the same way for the whole meal? The second way of telling you to SHUT UP is by using my "finger feel" to determine which piece of meat is hotter so I know which one to pick up and throw at your face.
Punishment: style Donald Trump's hair because if you want to attain that level of tooldom, you need to understand the root of the word.

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96 comments
MakeMeLaughClown
MakeMeLaughClown

I would just like to thank everyone for forcing me to read this hilarious article a SECOND time after getting so caught up in the comments I forgot what half of it said...

To the woman banning Laurie from the south:  Over my amused bouche. 

Lharris11
Lharris11

Excitement is building here in kitchen stadium...I love sarcastic articles like this one. My family has two French restaurants in Chicago and I guarantee that they would laugh at this. It's always about good food (even foamy stuff) ; that's what makes it hilarious. I do, however, deconstruct my omelets on occasion.

MicheleLaudigFan
MicheleLaudigFan

It's a shame that the NT thinks an amuse bouche is the same thing as an appetizer. I sure to miss Michele Laudig! 

Kathy Monkman
Kathy Monkman

I have to say, I prefer "three ways", not because I'm in to group sex, but just that I like my food options.  ;)

Kathy Monkman
Kathy Monkman

LMAO....what about EVOO?  Why does that bug me every time Rachel Ray says it?

Poster Stevens
Poster Stevens

nothing is more unappetizing to me than when cooks anoint themselves and refer to themselves as "Chef ______."  besides Doctors and Politicians, I can't think of another profession where people think so highly of themselves..... CPA Smith?  Lawyer Jones? Home Builder Williams?   Author Jackson?   ugh.

Poster Stevens.

sidvicious
sidvicious

I have not really heard these phrases but I have to add nomnomnom to the list. The phrase make me lose my appetite and I love food!

FC
FC

The only thing I take away from this article is the notion that perhaps faux-Bourdain above-it-all ironic hipsterism in food writing has reached its expiration date as well.

Dave Lieberman
Dave Lieberman

"So much to the point that as any exclusive rank, they've invented their
own language, like twins who didn't eat each other in the womb or a
feral Jodie Foster living secretly in the woods."

I just dribbled coffee all over my keyboard. That was a great sentence.

Also, can we ban "amuse-gueule" too? There's a subset of people who think it's edgy and hip to use the slightly coarser French word for your mouth, and it's always fun to watch French waitstaff (er, that's waitstaff who are actually French, not non-French waitstaff in French restaurants) roll their eyes at it.

Also, "and" used as the last word in the sentence. "We went to Chez Troglodyte for a glass of wine and." "I'm not hungry, thanks, I stopped at Starbucks for coffee and." COFFEE AND WHAT, YOU UNSPECIFIC JACKASSES?

Allerbama
Allerbama

Stay outta the south Yankee girl Did someone tell you that you were funny?

Kristin K
Kristin K

Beyond hilarious. I wish Laurie had a daily column about like EVERYTHING in life. I died at the old people drooling over the food. DIED. AND I would like to add the term "sous vide" because my mom used to boil meat in a bang and it's cuz we were POOR. 

Lori
Lori

Lol, chill out, people. She was just venting about something that irritates her... Just like some of you are doing in these comments about her article. She's entitled to her opinion and you; yours. If it bugs you so much; publish your own article. And to idiot girl no more, if it bothered you that she commented on someone's weight then why do the same in return? I'm glad you're out of the club. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya... Peace out, Y'ALL... Oh, shit, there goes a pinky toe...

J.E.  Pizarro
J.E. Pizarro

Sometimes I think people take food TOO seriously.

 To me a "foodie" is someone for whom food is the center of their social activity.   Whether its eating it, cooking it, styling it, whatever.  If you like it, you like it, if you don't, you don't.   I think people get confused between "foodies" and restaurant snobs. 

Food is supposed to be about experiences, (hopefully good ones) with people who want to spend time with.  No matter where you are in the world food involves memories for everyone.  It doesn't matter how much money you make, or don't make.  When someone dies, you eat.  When someone is born, you eat.  A birthday? you eat.   etc

We don't have wrap food in $10 dollar descriptive words and if someone wants to describe something "two-ways" for example to each their own.  Who cares!  As long as it describes the food experience you'll have. 

Concerned Food Fan
Concerned Food Fan

Well, the attempts at "humor" didn't work, but at least she's trying hard.  I guess that's worth something.

Although, it would have been nice if there was anything remotely funny in this article..

IdiotGirlNoMore
IdiotGirlNoMore

Wow, this is pretty mean-spirited. Getting bitter as you get older, Laurie? Because it makes your work less funny, even when I agree with you. And having met you in person, I'm not sure you should be bagging on fatties.

Mcgowanmedia
Mcgowanmedia

Take it easy on Y'all. It's a cool term. But I agree not when it's used as a weapon....And, there is a time and a place for it....

Stacy
Stacy

Anne Burrell should not be allowed to say deliciousness again.  Ever.

Food addict
Food addict

I won't add to the Coulis debate, it's already been pointed out a couple times. But I will add that the Amuse Bouche is technically before the appetizer (Though I do agree it's an annoying term that utterly is unnecessary).

And I would like to point out, you forgot EVOO... that one has needed to go since the first time it came out of Rachael Ray's mouth. 

Some inaccuracies, but...
Some inaccuracies, but...

Okay, fine, coulis and jam aren't the same thing. But, I have seen people try to pass a jam off as a coulis multiple times. And I just went to a restaurant, where they tried to pass off bread and garlic butter as an amuse bouche. This article isn't insulting those who actually know something about food, but those that try to trick people into thinking they're sophisticated.

Cwohlschlaeger
Cwohlschlaeger

Laurie, you are always so damn funny!!  After being in the food business for over 20 years, I appreciate your humor on this topic.  Ignore the goofballs here. Aside from missing what "coulis" is, you are spot on.  Most of these people have no taste and no humor.  Like many of your books, blogs, and other writings, I found this article hilarious!

Nudie Foodie
Nudie Foodie

This article is awesome. Laurie Notaro hits it right on the head.

Guest
Guest

What was the point of this article?  Was being snarky and rude an attempt at being clever or interesting?  Hopefully you're not someone we hear from again.

Foodie wanna be
Foodie wanna be

I love how everyone thinks they are a "FOODIE" because they eat out at the most trendiness restaurants in town. You ARE NOT a foodie because you eat out, shut your mouth and if you don't like something just say you don't like it, it's not because your palette is sophisticated, it's because it doesn't taste good to you. Don't try to justify it because you think you know something about food, cause your momma knows you don't know shit. Stupid annoying people.

RevAdam
RevAdam

 Yeah. It's not like these people spend as much time learning their craft and honing their skills as doctors do. Anyone can wake up and decide to cook an amazing meal.

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

Ah. I see you awoke with pork butt memories as well. Booze will help, but it can't erase. Scratch your woodsman's beard for me, will you? And find a food cart, pronto. They're waiting for you.

Dave Lieberman
Dave Lieberman

I did, actually. I just told her she was funny, but she might not of heard it while you were making thinly veiled, anonymous threats over the Internet. Your mother must be so proud.

Laurienotaro
Laurienotaro

OMG, you're crazy. It was hilarious! Come ON, not even a smile? Not even a teeny-weeny mouth twitch?  A tremble, however indiscernible, of the lip? Upper or lower?  Work with me, Concerned Food Fan. Think back. Not even Padma's out of wedlock baby? Really? The foam, the old people in the back, drooling on plates, for real? Nothing? Are you sure? All right. I'll keep trying. We'll make it work. TOGETHER. We can climb mountains, you and I. I know we can do it! xoxox, laurie

sidvicious
sidvicious

oh, idiotgirlnomore, you are indeed an idiot. Name calling instead of giving an actual response? pretty much defining yourself here...

Laurie Notaro
Laurie Notaro

Ha ha! You knew me when I was less bitter? Really? How old was I, five? And yeah, I didn't put the word "fat" in a book title because I'm a size 4, sister. That's why I can bag on fatties, little love. Easy shot, but it's already been made. Sorry. Try again?

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

BINGO!!! I'll save it for the the next list!!!!  I went with "foam" this time instead.

GlitterBug
GlitterBug

 I'm guessing you missed the fact that Laurie has authored *several* (hilarious) books?

Capmangoe26
Capmangoe26

What's a "most trendiness restaurant?"  What's a palette?  Don't try to justify it because you think you know something about English, "'cause your momma knows you don't know shit."  

ASU Alumni
ASU Alumni

I've loved your work since you wrote that article about your useless black bra in the AZ State Press in the earl 1990s.  

Lori
Lori

Laurie, YOU are awesome. Thank you.

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

You know what? I have to say one more thing, because it's bothering me. I think we need to work on your user name, because "Concerned Food Fan" isn't doing it for me, you know? It's just kind of...medium. Almost lukewarm, like you really didn't put too much effort into it. Seriously, I'd give it a C. Maybe even a C-. I think you are more than that. You're writing a nasty comment, man! Show me what you got!  I think we need to shine that up a bit, give it some glitter, give it some life! When I see a nasty comment, I want to see FIRE in the user name, back it up, show me the goods. Be creative, LET IT OUT. Make me think, "Yes, this is a comment leaver that knows his hate!" What do you think about "Angry Food Guy," or "Distraught Meal Lover," or "Inconsolable Eater"? Any of those striking the chords? How about "I LOVE DINNER!" (complete with exclamation point?). I'm just saying think about it. Just see how it feels. If none of those are a good fit, chew on it overnight. Okay? Okay. All right. I'm glad we had this talk. I really am. :)

Guest
Guest

That's true, I've never heard of her before this article, and hope to never read anything from her again.

Foodie wanna be
Foodie wanna be

You must be a self-proclaimed "FOODIE". Go figure. Want to meet at Beckett's Table  tonight...I assume that is trendy enough for you.

You're Really Not Funny
You're Really Not Funny

Chicka, Chicka, chickabee.  Now every guy who owns a can of hair fixative is busy telling his guests THAT's mouthfeel.   With a disgusted look on my face when you've not only lost -- most likely to a bossy fat girl.  No one will ever come to your restaurant again -- how about SHUT UP two ways? 

Anyway, below are the most horrific examples of Foodiespeak..."We Thought You Would Be Prettier", "Autobiography of a Fat Bride", "It looked different on the Model".

Laurie  Notaro
Laurie Notaro

This is awesome!  Give us your best one-liner. Or silly noise. This is so exciting. I can't wait to see what clever really is!

Concerned Food Fan
Concerned Food Fan

At first I thought you were just a local New Times writer, and I was simply embarassed -- not just for you, because you wrote a terrible article that you clearly thought was very clever, but also for the New Times, because they were desperate enough to actually have to publish it.  But now, knowing you're supposed to be a real writer, that makes it even worse.  You're like a bad stand-up comic who doesn't have a good act, so they overcompensate by trying way too hard...and end up pummeling the audience with a bunch of bad one-liners and silly noises, hoping if they throw enough shit out there, surely there will be *something* people might find funny.

Natalie Heyer
Natalie Heyer

That's funny! To bad they didn't say, NO I DIDN'T!!!

Shana
Shana

She is HILARIOUS!

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