Twin Peaks "Breastaurant" Opens in Scottsdale, and We're There for the Scenery, Er, Food

twin peaks breastaurant.jpg
Photo by William Westfall
Twin Peaks in Scottsdale opened on Wednesday.
I am a man, and as a fairly typical representative of my gender I enjoy certain things. A large glass of beer. Sports games on high definition TVs. And, of course, breasts, both of the edible chicken and ogle-worthy human variety.

That said, I've never been a frequent visitor to breastaurants, the establishments that cater to these basest of desires. This is for a couple reasons. First, anyone who's lived in the Valley for a while has never wanted for views of scantily-clad ladies, so to mix arousal with a meal always seemed excessive.
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​In the same vein, a restaurant that focused on the size of its servers' assets would inevitably pale in comparison to one that hired its staff based on skills and experience with food service. When eating, the food is the thing of import, and no amount of spectacular boobs can make up for a shitty chicken wing.

So when I visited the much-talked-about Twin Peaks during its complimentary opening night for members of the media Wednesday, the food was the goal. But dammit if the girls didn't make it hard to focus. As soon as I sat down, I was immediately joined by a blonde from Austin named Jennifer (who, I discovered, is playing the part of "Naked Girl in Helmet" in the upcoming Denzel Washington movie, Flight. Guess who's going to see that).

See the full Twin Peaks slideshow here.

The owners know what they're doing in choosing these girls -- as a friend of mine used to say while motioning to his chest, "She had a GREAT personality."

What were we talking about? Oh yes, food. We'll start with the beer. Everything on tap at Twin Peaks is kept at a frosty 29 degrees -- this is actually a major point of pride for the restaurant, and there's a big digital thermometer above the bar to keep track of it.

The problem is, sub-freezing temps are far too cold to properly taste a beer (this is a topic for another post, but 45-55 degrees is usually recommended). Along with a couple dozen others, Twin Peaks pours a pair of beers based on its own recipe that are brewed locally by SanTan, according to Jennifer, AKA Naked Girl in Helmet.



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28 comments
barefootin7
barefootin7

I was not impressed. A bunch of older men trying to catch a boob. Food was poor quality and the bimbo that served us looked like she was on meth. This breastaurant is just that. Don't go here if you want a good meal. Do go here if you want to see a show of bimbos trying to scam you out of your money.

Guest
Guest

I can't believe that Four Peaks would let Twin Peaks rip off a sound alike name and then sell them beer. 29 degrees beer? Whomever is running this place needs a serious lesson in the proper temperature and way to serve beer. It's not at 29 degrees and served by clueless bimbo wannabe Ho's.

Thank God we have places like Four Peaks, Sun Up, San Tan, Papago, Taste of Tops, Hungry Monk and Whole Foods Market that all know the proper way to serve good beer.

PTCGAZ
PTCGAZ

I got a hard penis erection just from looking at that girl in the top picture. 

PTCGAZ
PTCGAZ

Im still a virgin so I better stay away from this place or I might cream in my jeans looking at the sexy females there.

Fur Burger
Fur Burger

Do they sell a fur burgers and cunt juice?

birds of a feather...
birds of a feather...

Looking over the opening photos, the biggest boobs seem to be the customers. 

Chris Long
Chris Long

Keeping beer at 29 degrees - and bragging about it - displays the most terrible ignorance of the food-beverage trade I have ever seen.

For the ignoramuses at Twin Peaks:  Beer that cold numbs the taste buds and the full flavor of the brew is not released at temperatures that low.

I ain't going there any time soon.

Guest
Guest

Skanky girls and bud light, perfect combination for North Scottsdale.

Kibosh
Kibosh

Re Name it  to TWIN TEASE.

HAMC PHX CHICO
HAMC PHX CHICO

More plastic fake barbie doll wannabee divas all dressed up for no action other than to scam young dumb males out of their hard earned cash!  if you cant Fuckum whats the point?  all boob and looks and no sex makes for a very dull day. CHICO, HELLS ANGELS PHX AZ.

Kimberli9
Kimberli9

Oh man, I was totally expecting the menu to be more like cherry pie and damn good coffee.  I feel so silly.

joe.distort
joe.distort

i love food, beer, and strip clubs, so im no prude or anything. yet places like this and tilted kilt DO feel really weird and awkward.

Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

It ain't like you could ever really HAVE IT and if you COULD, it would not be what you THINK it'd be like...

Jason
Jason

 Real skanks will fuck you in the first few minits or hours after meeting you. these are poser impostor Scottsdale yuppie skanks. these skanks give real skanks a bad name.

HAMC PHX CHICO
HAMC PHX CHICO

 Must be the food your talking about cause you sure as shit aint gonna fuck any of fake plastic those barbie dolls on your best day. the free swing sexually free 1960s are over man.

Jason
Jason

 You need to be spanked and fucked for hours by me for thinking such a dumb thought Kim.

Chris Long
Chris Long

Indeed - I often feel out of place in those venues.  Ignore the totally ignorant comment below...

exitwoundz
exitwoundz

We had a free swing in the sixties? i never got one....

azbluesgal
azbluesgal

You guys are kinky...can I watch?

Jason
Jason

Pussy you cant Fuck! more like the BIG TEASE for young dumb males with cash. I wouldnt give those plastic barbie cunts the sweat off my Balls. Fuck Them!

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