Top Five Things White People Do to Celebrate Cinco de Mayo

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For white people in America, May 5, Cinco de Mayo is more than an unofficial national holiday honoring the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, in which Mexican defenders drove back an invading army from France. It's an excuse to party (fiesta!) and get in touch with their inner Mexican -- and it's much culturally safer than celebrating Mexico's independence on September 16 (eek!).

And while those living in Mexico may be saying, "Día festivo? Que día festivo?", white folks in the U.S. of A. will be celebrating Cinco de Mayo in these five ways:

5.) Dress "Mexican": Sombreros and tacos? It's everything white people love about Mexican culture! Extra credit for a black mustache or the ultra-offensive "brown face."

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4.) Eat "Mexican" food: Whether it's nachos (virtually unknown in Mexico) or a sampling of classic Mexican fare from Taco Bell, just make sure it's something easy to pronounce and not too damn spicy.

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3.) Learn the language: Screw Rosetta Stone. As long as "hola," "gracias," "por favor," and the all-important "cerveza" can be uttered with the inflections of a cartoon character, this white folk fiesta is livin' la macarena loca!

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2.) Drink, drink, drink: If there's one thing white people love, it's an excuse to get trashed under the guise of celebrating another culture (thank you, St. Patrick!) Cold Corona? Sure. Fish tank tequila? Better. Just make it quick.

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1.) Buy the worst piñatas ever: When the harpies of American morality bang on your brain-door daily, buying an ass or penis piñata to beat the shit out of just feels natural. Plus, h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s right? Plus, they were all out of Spider-Man.


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Extra credit:
Dancing to Mexican music: Yeah, that's unfortunate.

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18 comments
Do You Like Worms?
Do You Like Worms?

I celebrated Cinco De Mayo the way I celebrate every day: by eating live scorpions

Guest
Guest

white people are dumb. i should know. i am one

Mike
Mike

Right on Laura! Cinco de Mayo, just an excuse to party and try to be a part of a culture we wish we had! By the way it is a paid holiday, but no celebrations. May 10th is also a paid holiday, Mother's Day, actual celebration!

Tim Hanner
Tim Hanner

I love asking white people what Cinco De Mayo is celebrating...most have no clue....

Guest
Guest

It's the Mexicans in my department who proposed a "nacho taco potluck" for Cinco de Mayo, so your headline's a little racist.

Do You Like Worms?
Do You Like Worms?

I love asking Mexicans what Cinco De Mayo is celebrating...most have no clue...

Man D Cane
Man D Cane

Whoa, let's not throw out the race card. How in the world is this headline racist? The entire article expands on how white people generally celebrate May 5, if and when they do. Doo doo brain.

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