The Top 8 Beers for Stoners

Categories: Brew Review

​Hey, man. Have you ever looked at your hands? I mean, really looked at them? They're amazing! They're so...touchy. Whoa.

Anyway, today medicinal marijuana became legal in Arizona. Seriously! We were all like, "Legalize it, man!" and they were all, "Okay!" Anyone with the proper doctor-approved documentation can possess up to 2.5 ounces of sticky icky at any given time, which is, like, pretty awesome.

With all the smoking you're going to be doing, you've got to rehydrate, right? Long before weed was legal, brewers were making drinks inspired by -- and sometimes made with -- the wacky tobacky. These beers are perfect for enjoying on 4/20, at 4:20, while playing bongos in your underwear -- or whenever, man.


Terrapin Wake-n-Bake
Pack the chron at the crack of dawn, drink some OJ and roll a J, eat a big bowl of raisin bran along with a big bowl of resin, man! Also known as Terrapin Coffee Oatmeal Imperial Stout, Wake-n-Bake is brewed with a special coffee blend created by the brewery along with Jittery Joe's Coffee, making it a perfect match for that other breakfast treat.

Nectar Ales Humboldt Brown
Brewing beers with actual weed is difficult -- believe us, we've tried -- mainly because THC, the psychoactive compound found in marijuana that actually gives the high, isn't water-soluble. Hemp, a fiber collected from plants in the cannabis family, is a far better beery companion. Humboldt's an American brown ale packed with toasted hemp and flavors of pine, cocoa and peanuts. It may not get you high, but it did win a bronze medal at the 2006 World Beer Cup.


Lagunitas Censored (The Kronik)
Censored was originally called "The Kronik" until the Feds stepped in and forced a name change. This really harshed Lagunitas' mellow, so they just sent in the same label with a fat "censored" sign covering the name. The brewers sum the saga up thusly: "Anyway, we were going out to, uh, the ,uh, you know, thing, and all, and when we got there, well, uh, the dude was, like 'whoa man!' I mean, and we were all, uh, you know -- 'whoa!' and stuff, and when I said to him, like, you know, 'hey man', and all they, I mean he, was all 'what?' and stuff -- and I just told him what you said and all and they were all man -- 'not cool dude', but whatever -- so, uh, we split and went back to my lair and just hung out and whatever, but the whole thing was, like, just SUCH a bummer and all but, you know, it was cool and stuff, but you just gotta, you know, about the dude and all, like, it's cool and all you know, but what's up with that 'blah blah blah?' Whatzit got to do with beer and all? I mean, really, dude, whatever ... but, it's cool and all ..."

Mamma Mia Pizza Beer
If you have the munchies, you could call for delivery and eat the whole thing while watching Tron -- or you could skip that exhausting chewing and DRINK a whole pizza while watching Tron! The brewers of Mamma Mia! Pizza Beer combine the flavors of two of America's favorite edibles by taking a whole Margherita pizza and steeping it in the beer mash like a teabag. The resulting brew smells and tastes like a real deal pizza.

Abita Purple Haze
Purple haze all in my brain! Abita Brewing Co.'s Purple Haze is an American wheat ale with fresh raspberries added during secondary fermentation. The berries lend the brew a subtle purple tinge along with a fruity aroma and a sweet, tart taste. 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky!


Ale Industries Orange Kush/ Orange Shush
Ale Industries, of Concord, Calif., had been producing their flagship beer -- a wheat beer brewed with orange peel, coriander, and chamomile -- under the name "Orange Kush," which is fine and dandy for beer sold draft only. But when the company wanted to start bottling the beer, they needed federal label approval -- which they were promptly denied, and given this all-caps response: ATF, AS A LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY, CANNOT CONDONE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE LABELS THAT CONTAIN ANY NAMES OF DRUGS, DRUG TERMS OR SLANG ASSOCIATED WITH DRUGS OR ANY DEPICTION OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA. Ale Industries responded, asserting the term Kush was taken from the Egyptian region where the chamomile was sourced. The feds said the average person wouldn't know about the ancient regions of Egypt (which we totally wouldn't) and that everyone would just assume that it was a drug reference (which we totally would). So, bent over by the man, Ale Industries redesigned the label to with a black bar over the offending word with a contrasting white-lettered "Shush."


SweetWater 420 Extra Pale Ale
Atlanta, Ga.'s SweetWater Brewing Co. first brewed 420 on April 20th, 1997 following a particularly inspirational smoke sesh (we assume). Unsurprisingly, the hoppy West Coast-style pale quickly became their most popular beer, winning silver medals at both the 1998 World Beer Cup and the 2002 Great American Beer Festival. Sweetwater also makes a group of special release beers they call the Dank Tank series. Potheads.

Kettlehouse Brewing Fresh Bongwater Pale Ale
Let's be clear: you must not drink actual bongwater. Aside from looking like a bowl of elephant sweat, the water picks up a lot of the tar and carcinogens from the smoke that passes through it. Drinking it won't get you high, but will make you puke your guts out for a few hours. We hear that's how Cory Phelbin died. Fresh Bongwater Pale Ale, however, is much more enjoyable. Made with Montana-grown barley and industrial hemp, it's a smooth, subtly sweet light ale. Kettlehouse also makes a porter called Olde Bongwater, made with half a pound of hemp seeds per keg. Drink those. Don't drink the bongwater. 

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Well, this was a fairly insulting article, wasn't it kids?The vast majority of tokers CAN form reasonably intelligent sentences, unlike the Jeff Spiccoli stereotype that's milked to death here.

Honesty is the best policy
Honesty is the best policy

Zach is really good at copying other online stories. New Times, have you ever heard of the word plagerism?

Sippin Syrup
Sippin Syrup

I love me some fresh and old bongwater from khouse.

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