Thanksgiving Classics We Hate

By Amy Silverman Mon., Nov. 8 2010 at 9:37 AM

It's almost Thanksgiving. Tell the truth. Are you dreaming of crisp-skinned, juicy turkey, creamy mashed potatoes and moist, spicy pumpkin pie?

How about oily, gummy, sticky candied sweet potatoes with tacky mini-marshmallows -- or a sphere of cranberry gunk?

Yeah, that's what we thought.

We can think of no holiday that draws more folks to the buffet table -- and draws more revulsion -- than Thanksgiving. Sure, there's much to give thanks for (mom's homemade stuffing, those roasted brussel sprouts we perfected last year) but there are several Thanksgiving "treats" we'd just as soon feed to the dog.

We're sure you have your own list. Here's our Top Seven.

7. Candied Sweet Potatoes with Mini-Marshmallows As we were saying.... Gross. We're all for dressing up veggies and calling it dessert, but we'd prefer one of those chocolate beet cakes we keep hearing about on Martha Stewart Living radio. The poor sweet potato does far better on its own, baked or roasted with a little butter. Save the mini-marshmallows for Rice Krispie treats.

6. Green Bean Casserole Give us a can of those fried onions and we'll be happy. That's the only decent part of this coagulated classic. When we run the world, the first thing we'll do is outlaw the production and consumption of canned mushroom soup.

Get the rest of the bad end of the buffet table after the jump.

5. Jello Salad Jello's bad enough. Put anything shredded or cubed in it, and you have a real puke fest, as far as we're concerned.

4. Pumpkin Pie Spice The mere mention of this item so offended Chow Bella's resident chef, Carol Blonder, we added it without question.

3. Stove Top Stuffing If you enjoy consuming your recommended annual sodium intake for the year in one sitting, please, be our guest. Actually, go to someone else's house. We don't mind short cuts in the kitchen, but we'd never ruin our turkey by putting a pile of this yellow crap next to it. Anyhow, what's up with the name? Stuffing means stuffed in the turkey (dressing is for the stuff that doesn't actually go inside that creepy cavity). Guess Stove Top Dressing didn't have the same ring to it.

2. Canned Cranberry Sauce Anything that's called sauce but maintains the shape of its vessel upon expulsion is not going on our table -- or in our mouth. We'd rather eat Jello salad.

1. Tofurkey This one is not technically a classic, but it tops our list simply because it's so freaking disgusting. Really, people, if you want to eat turkey, eat turkey. If not, fill up on sides. We really like tofu -- but not when it's masquerading as meat. Have pity on the soy bean, even if it doesn't have a face.

We Recommend

Debbie Elder

If you want vegetarian sides, check out this article with tons of recipes in the New York Times. http://www.nytimes.com/interac...

theo_pizza

Sounds like to me your family must really not know how to cook for sh-t...

I'm with you on the Tofurkey and Jello salad.

But seriously, to think you've never had a green bean casserole or candied sweet potatoes w/ mallows done right makes me just really feel sorry for you.

Jrnkle

you are an idiot

Frankx

Have to agree about the Jello and the (gulp) tofurkey. Love, love, love the canned cranberry sauce. I like the real stuff, too. Where I grew up, it was an unforgivable sin to pull out a box of stove top stuffing. Also, we had access to real live sweet potatoes. They are so good you don'e even need marshmallows.

Sarah

#1 on the list: stuffing/dressing that includes raisins. I am a stuffing fanatic, but the second I spot a cooked raisin in it, that's it. Thanksgiving is canceled. There's something, I dunno...unholy about it.

WIZARDMASTER420

for real, if all of these foods make you gag you should probably just never leave the freegan commune you hippy fags

Whatever

You forgot to mention the poor dead tortured bird, teeming with e coli and listeria. Mmmmm - you can taste the suffering!

mandaryn

Those are thanksgiving dishes YOU hate.Be thankful you're eating something instead of complaining all the time.

Lawrence

I love Stove Top and candied yams. Sue me.

Speed153

What, no scalloped oysters? I love 'em, but I'm sure I'm not in the majority...

Asparagusberry

These things shouldn't go away (with the exception of tofurkey), they should just not come from a can....I make fresh yams with walnuts and an orange bourbon glaze, fresh green bean casserole made with fresh wild mushrooms, and fresh popped cranberries on the stove top with just a little sugar and orange zest. These things aren't difficult to improve on, so why make them go away forever? Perhaps to better your article, you could have added some suggestions to improve these items instead of completely disregarding them forever.

May the green bean casserole forever live on!!!

JPH

You can have my cylinder of cranberry gelatin when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

Brandon Franklin

Interestingly, your top three hated items are my top three favorites. I actually specifically request the can-shaped cranberry jelly, and have been known to buy it "off cycle" to eat at home.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Julia

Fantastic article. Spot on!

Tarathemis

As a vegetarian for 21 years, I must concur with this article. I LOATHE Tofurkey. The texture and flavor are both awful, and the photo above really shows just how processed and generally gross it looks. There are so many wonderful vegetarian recipes that are Thanksgiving-appropriate (I make a lovely pumpkin stew) that there is no reason to consume this nasty lump of crap. I also agree that it is super easy to simply fill up on sides. I say "Nofurkey" on Thanksgiving.