5 Things You Should Never Do to a Thanksgiving Turkey

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Take a good look at the picture above. Yep, that's what you are going to be stuffing your face full of, come Thanksgiving. When you buy your turkey frozen from the closest grocery store for pennies a pound it's hard to remember that the beast thawing in your fridge was once a living, breathing, monster of a bird. This Thanksgiving try giving the guy a little respect and avoid these acts of fowl play. Your dinner guest will thank you, too. 

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5. The Thanksgiving Cake - Imagine this. You arrive at your friends house and wander into the kitchen. It's 3 p.m. but you don't smell any savory turkey smells. You see a cake, but that's it. Just a cake sitting in the middle of the buffet with plates stacked up beside it. You ask the hostess what gives? Where is dinner? She laughs and says, "Right there, silly." Upon closer inspection you see that the cake is Thanksgiving dinner. Layers of turkey "meatloaf" and stuffing held together with mashed potatoes and then topped with yams and burnt marshmallows. You throw your plate at the wall and storm out hungry. Thanksgiving is ruined. Don't let this happen folks! Avoid the Thanksgiving Cake!
Get the rest of the turkey atrocities after the jump.
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4. The Turducken - We really can't look at these the same way after seeing "human centipede".  If by some bizarre chance you have never heard of this Thanksgiving trend, the Turducken is truly a thing of awe. You start by de-boning a chicken, a duck and a turkey. Next you are going to stuff the chicken with dressing and then put the chicken inside the duck and pack the duck with more dressing. Next you put the chickenduck into the turkey with more stuffing and sew the whole thing up. In some versions, you can use meat glue to hold the whole thing together( yes there is such a thing as meat glue) Not only are you defiling one bird but now you have pulled his cousins in the mix.    

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3. The True Love Roast - Now that you know all about the Turducken, let's move on to bigger and better, The Love Roast. Just like the Turducken, you are going to de-bone some birds and then sew them all up together. The fun thing about the love roast is you are going to use 12 birds. Not just three birds in one but rather an aviary apocalypse of epic proportions. The Love Roast is made up of, a quail, mallard duck, pigeon, partridge, guinea fowl, poussin, Barbary duck, Aylesbury duck, pheasant, chicken, goose and a turkey. And it's layered with 6 different kinds of stuffing. That is a whole lot of bird!

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2. Turkey Cake - If you really must make a cake for Thanksgiving please do not make it look like a turkey. Turkeys are not the supermodels of the bird world and there is no need to make them look even worse with these cheesey cartoon cake renditions of them. Plus 9 times out of 10 the head/neck is going to come out looking like a sad penis. How would you like it if you looked like a sad penis?

1. Deep Fried Turkey - Do yourself and everyone else a favor, go the slow-roasted route. There is plenty of butter and oil in everything else on the table there is really no need to put everyone, bird included, in harm's way on Thanksgiving. If you still think it's a good idea, take a look at this video.




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8 comments
Heather Banks
Heather Banks

Our deep fried turkey was amazing and took 40 minutes! Yum!

Jennycom
Jennycom

Dissing the deep-fried turkey. I'm sorry, I was with you right up until that on the list. I've been deep frying turkeys in my very safe electric deep fryer for 5 years. The first year I was skeptical so I roasted one and deep fried the other. The roasted one was a good turkey - not stuffed so it wasn't overcooked & dry, it was decent. But the deep fried turkey had no leftovers. Seriously, you need to embrace the fryer. Although thanks for the PSA on propane fryers. In case anyone is still actually using those :)

Jmwilson_73
Jmwilson_73

The deep fried turky failed due to the bird being wet and too much oil in the pot. Best way to deep fry a turky is to:1. - place turkey in pot.2. - fill pot with water till turkey is covered. mark where water covers the turkey3. - remove turkey, dump water, dry pot and bird.4. - fill pot with oil to the mark where you made.

Russell Ludwig
Russell Ludwig

5. Who does this? And you wouldn't be using an actual turkey, you would be using ground turkey.

4. Turducken's taste great and are a refreshing alternative to the regular bird.

3. You just stated the same thing as you did in #4, but with more birds.

2. This doesn't even involve a Thanksgiving turkey.

1. Everyone knows that deep frying makes everything better. Just don't be a dumbass about it.

Worst. List. Ever.

infobahn
infobahn

@Jennycom I can see my work here has been done.  Off to heat up the fryer.

Jk Grence
Jk Grence

Important revision to your technique, step 2: Fill the pot with water, *remove the bird*, then mark the water line.

Also very important with frying a turkey: Turn off the burner before you put the turkey in the oil, then re-light it once the turkey is safely in.

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