Top Chef: Just Desserts Recap: The Red Hots Are for My Mommy!

Are you there, God? It's me, crazy homophobic man-baby.
At a certain point in our lives, we realize we're not the only ones with problems and pain. This point usually happens on the day we become adults. It's the day we stop running around like babies, crying when we don't get our way, doing anything to get attention, and telling people to "suck it."

Guess Seth, man-baby, pastry chef, and contestant on Top Chef: Just Desserts didn't get the grow-up memo. In last night's "all about me" episode, he manages to dysfunctionally dominate nearly every scene, pissing off the other contestants and taking away valuable Gail Simmons screen time (Hey, Gail, did you get the 5,000 e-mails I sent you yesterday? So NOT stalking! Best friends forever!)

At the beginning of Wednesday night's episode, Seth and Morgan form a bond because, according to Morgan, they both like the same chefs (fake reason) and that they're both heterosexual males (real reason). Seth then reveals his mom is the motivation for him wanting to win and that she's sick and he wants to pay her medical bills. This is a nice thing for normal people to say, but when freaks say it, it means they're desperate and willing to do anything -- including going completely insane, rolling in their own feces, and killing people with mixing bowls.

Hey, it's time for the Quickfire Challenge. Spoiler alerts ahead, y'all!

You guys are made of cool.
Made-of-awesome Gail introduces Elizabeth Falkner, pastry chef and Top Chef Master, as the guest judge for the challenge, which is to create a dish that celebrates penny candy. Who is cooler, Gail or Elizabeth? The answer: They are both equal parts cool.

Seth runs out of nitrogen for his passion fruit sundae. This sends him into meltdown mode where he throws utensils, starts crying, and crawls under the counter to hide and suck his man-baby thumb. Seriously? As the other chefs sport their WTF looks, Elizabeth Falkner comes over to console Seth and drag him back to Sanity Island. He then howls, "The Red Hots are for my mommy!" Guess Sanity Island's a lot farther away for Seth than Elizabeth knows.

Danielle is crowned Quickfire Challenge Queen (Happy immunity, Danielle!) with her play on mud and worms pudding and Elizabeth Falkner proves she's got more balls than Seth when she announces he had one of the most disappointing desserts. Surprisingly, he does not kill her with a mixing bowl.

For the elimination challenge, the chefs go to the Tar Pit restaurant (owned by Top Chef Master Mark Peel), where Gail tells them they will be creating a dish inspired by a great cocktail and will have two minutes each to "shop" the Tar Pit bar. Things are fun and happy until Seth starts filming "Goin' Crazy, Part II" when he can't find grapefruit to make his dessert.

He yells and accuses the chefs of not supporting him. Morgan, Seth's BHF (best heterosexual friend) calls him an asshole and Mark Peel and Gail are standing in a darkened corner waiting for the chefs to leave so they can drink heavily and wonder if they will die by mixing bowl tonight.

Later, after every chef has proven to be a hundred times more mature than he is, Seth blows everyone off by saying, "Let's just deal with it tomorrow after elimination."

Good-bye Mamma Bear!
The next day at the Tar Pit kitchen, Seth is running around like a toddler on meth and knocks over Zack's tray of chocolates. He then denies the whole thing. Zack is pissed but acts like a non-Seth adult and puts something on the plate for judges Gail, Elizabeth Faulker, Johnny Iuzzini, Dannielle Kyrillos (yawn), Mark Peel, and his wife -- 'cause being married to a chef qualifies you to be a judge of food.

Erica wins with her margarita-inspired desert. The judges thought it was beautiful, could taste the tequila in every bite, and loved the tequila sauce. Yay, Erica!

Meanwhile, in the waiting room, baby-man Seth tells everyone they can "suck it" after he claims they're all ganging up on him. Paranoid much?

The bottom three, Malika, Tim, and (surprise!) Seth are trotted out to the judges were Seth tells Elizabeth Falkner he can't promise he won't have another emotional berakdown. Because this is good for ratings and no one wants to be killed with a mixing bowl, the judges send Tim home for "a bowl of scrambled eggs floating in soup."

Score one point for man-baby. Zero points for professional-acting adults.

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I would agree that it was difficult and painful to watch but it was definitely entertaining. Also, Gail Simmons kinda sucks as a host.


What I loved was when Zac helped Seth plate, and somehow, Seth took this as a manadate to "help" everyone else, whether they wanted/needed it or not. Of course this led to Zac's chocolate squares crashing on the kitchen floor and Seth's awkward attempts to help clean up.

And how could you not mention Seth donning the springform-and-mixing bowl armor while he was waiting in the stew room for the verdict? I half expected him to wrap his head in aluminum foil to keep the aliens from reading his thoughts.

The whole episode was difficult and painful to watch and not the least bit entertaining. The boy needs help and doesn't belong in the high-stress environment of competition television.


Your Gail obsession is borderline creepy.

Phoenix Justice
Phoenix Justice

I was disappointed that they sent Tim home instead of the train wreck Seth, but not surprised. The producers will keep the walking drama around for at least one more episode.

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