MasterChef Finale: If Anyone Was Watching, Whitney Won

Categories: TV Dinner

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Well, it's over. The two-hour finale of MasterChef aired Wednesday night and, for those of us who actually watched the first season of the American version of the popular amateur cooking competition, we can get back to living our lives without montages, pre-commercial break cliffhangers, unnecessary narration, and music that sounds like a mash-up of Clash of the Titans meets I Am Legend. Gotta love Fox.

Whitney Miller, 22, a nutrition student from southern Mississippi, kicked young and old ass alike to claim the title of America's first MasterChef, $250,000, and a publishing deal for her own cookbook. Let's hope she includes her I-made-a-fried-chicken-breast-in-seven-minutes-'cause-I-dropped-the-first-one-on-the-floor recipe.

To win, Whit Whit had to beat gel-haired, laughing on the outside, crying on the inside David Miller, a 29-year-old software spaz bag from Boston. And that's where the fun began.

After shuttling the losers past contestants of MasterChef and friends and family of Whit Whit and David to the loft of doom -- where everyone is made to stand, look down, and cheer for two hours without a La-Z-Boy or cocktail in sight -- the two finalists got down to cooking their best appetizer, entree and dessert.

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That floor chicken is cooked perfectly.
David starts douching it to the crowd until he gets a warning from Gordon Ramsay, who tells him to "get in the zone," which he should since he's decided to make Beef Wellington, a Ramsay specialty. Surprise, surprise, it's not perfect at the judges' table and David adds the extra ingredient of the tears of a clown as stone-cold Whit Whit stares ahead and is probably laughing (on the inside) like crazy 'cause she's going to beat him with a seven-minute fried chicken that she had to re-make 'cause she dropped the first one on the floor.
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Wee -- it's finally over!
After what seems like an eternity of hearing the judges ask, "Is this MasterChef material?" (Like, how would we know, it's the effing first season?) Whit Whit is announced as the winner and Ramsay pops a bottle of champagne then tells her she can't have any (even though she's 22) while confetti falls from the sky and sticks like glue on David Miller's gelled-up horrible loser hair and Graham Elliot and Joe Bastianich grab their paychecks and run screaming out of the studio to get back to more worthwhile ventures . . . like anything else.

Cue triumphant music. The end.

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6 comments
Michaeleugen
Michaeleugen

at least you got it right david was a douch bag and his cockiness pissed me the fuck off so if he had won i would not buy his book anyway but whit i would marry her just for the food then shes cute to

Jon
Jon

The show was terrible anyway (this coming from someone who likes the trainwreck otherwise known as Hells Kitchen.) You've been spared an hour of your life you never would have gotten back.

Xanderbear
Xanderbear

Apparently 3 people watched this stupid ass show.

Black Ops
Black Ops

Thanks for the spoiler douchebaguette. I had it Tivoed. *sigh*

Eek
Eek

Some people don't watch an episode on the day it comes out SO DON'T PUT A SPOILER IN YOUR HEADLINE DICK!

Axegrinder
Axegrinder

Yeah, a spoiler alert would have been decent.

/glumly clearing off tivo

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