Drunk Without Drinking? Five Ways People Try to Get Hammered Without Actually Drinking
Recently we came across a drinking game called "Louisville Slugger." To play, one drinks a can of beer as fast as possible while a partner counts the seconds. For every second, the drinker must revolve around a baseball bat held steady against the ground. Then the drinker must pick up the bat and whack the "empty" [itched at him by the partner. If the drinker misses, he must go again.
Sounds like an idiotic way to get drunk, doesn't it? That's what we thought until we read about the following, ridiculous ways people are getting wasted these days. Think beer bongs go in your mouth? Apparently there are other options.
Should you have a strong stomach, read on for the five ways people are getting hammered without actually drinking. Just please don't try these at home.
5. Anal Beer Bongs
No, you read that right. Turns out slurping down a beer bong is just too passe for today's drinking enthusiasts. Instead, folks are dropping their pants for a beer bong experience that gets you drunk much faster than, you know, drinking beer.
4. Vodka-Soaked Tampons
If you think anal beer bongs are bad, wait till you hear what ladies are doing with their Playtex. As previously reported in Valley Fever, vodka-soaked tampons also get you inebriated at record speeds, but the damage wrought on your vagina makes this easily identifiable as a terrible idea...unless you've been doing it perhaps.
3. Soaking Your Hand in Alcohol
Who has the patience to attempt this? Turns out at least a few people do. Just check out the following conversation from Yahoo Answers.
Of course this begs an obvious question: what's wrong with just drinking it?
We were under the impression that a good bottle of vodka is to be enjoyed in a martini. Turns out it's also handy for cleaning out your sinuses.
The Examiner.com reports people in Baltimore are snorting shots of Vodka rather than passing them over their gums. Classy.
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We have a certain level of hesitation for alcohol insertion methods that require a smock to protect our clothing. But according to Colbert (above) and our sister paper The Pitch, there are plenty of folks eager to shove a bottle of Stoli into their eye sockets. And you thought your contacts were dry before.