Drunk Without Drinking? Five Ways People Try to Get Hammered Without Actually Drinking

Recently we came across a drinking game called "Louisville Slugger." To play, one drinks a can of beer as fast as possible while a partner counts the seconds. For every second, the drinker must revolve around a baseball bat held steady against the ground. Then the drinker must pick up the bat and whack the "empty" [itched at him by the partner. If the drinker misses, he must go again.

Sounds like an idiotic way to get drunk, doesn't it? That's what we thought until we read about the following, ridiculous ways people are getting wasted these days. Think beer bongs go in your mouth? Apparently there are other options.

Should you have a strong stomach, read on for the five ways people are getting hammered without actually drinking. Just please don't try these at home.

5. Anal Beer Bongs

No, you read that right. Turns out slurping down a beer bong is just too passe for today's drinking enthusiasts. Instead, folks are dropping their pants for a beer bong experience that gets you drunk much faster than, you know, drinking beer.

4. Vodka-Soaked Tampons

If you think anal beer bongs are bad, wait till you hear what ladies are doing with their Playtex. As previously reported in Valley Fever, vodka-soaked tampons also get you inebriated at record speeds, but the damage wrought on your vagina makes this easily identifiable as a terrible idea...unless you've been doing it perhaps.


3. Soaking Your Hand in Alcohol
Who has the patience to attempt this? Turns out at least a few people do. Just check out the following conversation from Yahoo Answers.

Of course this begs an obvious question: what's wrong with just drinking it?


2. Snorting

We were under the impression that a good bottle of vodka is to be enjoyed in a martini. Turns out it's also handy for cleaning out your sinuses.

The Examiner.com reports people in Baltimore are snorting shots of Vodka rather than passing them over their gums. Classy.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Vodka Eyeballing
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1. Eye-Balling
We have a certain level of hesitation for alcohol insertion methods that require a smock to protect our clothing. But according to Colbert (above) and our sister paper The Pitch, there are plenty of folks eager to shove a bottle of Stoli into their eye sockets. And you thought your contacts were dry before.

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My method is completely different from all answers ever given.  Should anybody really want to know how to get drunk without alcohol, email me at henryliam(at)yahoo(dot)com.

In This Moment
In This Moment

I have to agree with Dante. How self-absorbed does one have to be to feel the need to correct grammar in internet articles? If you so desperately need to flaunt your amazing vocabulary skills to random people online, you either have entirely too much time on your hands and apparently not much of a life offline, or are extremely insecure in the real world. Hell, it seems like it could be both of those things. It's so obnoxious to constantly have to read narcisistic nonsense when attempting to read others' opinions on interesting topics. I mean, was the slight grammatical error truly that important, or do you just need all attention on you at all times? I apologize if this is a bit of a rant. My original intent was simply to agree that the attempts to get hammered listed here are more insane than I even imagined. What could these people be thinking?!? Though, with all of the things people do today in attempts to self-medicate, I really shouldn't be that shocked.

In This Moment
In This Moment

I just noticed I misspelled narcissitic. Oops. Ugh...cell keyboards...

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