The Top 5 Most Tasteless Cookbooks Ever Published
A good cookbook can save your skin at a dinner party or family gathering, especially if you're the type who can't boil an egg or make packaged mac n' cheese without setting off the smoke alarm. Unfortunately, the need for culinary instruction has given would-be chefs free license to put out crappy cookbooks. The worst range from useless (microwave cookbooks) to nasty (books detailing fat-Elvis' famous 10,000+ calorie meals) to just plain tasteless, like these five gems we found:
|A hard book to swallow.|
Fotie Photenhauer had a lot of chutzpah -- or should we say spunk -- to create this recipe book. I've heard of guys drinking pineapple juice to make their cum taste sweeter, or telling gullible girls it's the perfect diet food (low in calories and high in protein!), but this tactic really takes the cake. Semen-infused cake, that is.
According to the book's intro, "Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic." Like fine wine and cheeses? Last time I checked, Whole Foods wasn't carrying jizz alongside Roquefort and camembert. The question on my mind is -- when you finally get around to sampling semen crepes or semen flan, will you spit or swallow?
Vegetarians beware -- if you thought the step-by-step testicle peeling guide was nauseating, just wait until you read avid hunter Buck Peterson's instructions on how to properly hit an animal so you can make road kill stew later. Hint: Tire tracks don't taste good, so make sure you knock dem critters to the side, rather than flattening 'em.
Granted, this book's a parody, but the recipes and details are real. If you're traveling out of the country, no worries. Buck's got your back with the sequel: The International Road Kill Cookbook. Learn how to make Bangered and Mashed in the UK, Chili Con Carnage, German Hasenpflatten and more.
Ah, Lulu...you yield such a boon of tasteless cookbooks. That's why we love you. In yet another fab Lulu.com tome, mild mannered granny-type Dorothea Puente shares the beloved recipes she used to care and feed aging, mentally ill guests at her Sacramento boarding house. The fact that she's been convicted of poisoning three of said boarders in a social security defrauding scheme, well that doesn't matter. Recipes are recipes. Wait...where do I get 2 tablespoons of arsenic?
With the economy in the crapper and the price of good meat on the rise, you might be looking for ways to cut costs on family dinners. Enter The Testicle Cookbook, Ljubomir R. Erovic's instruction manual on how to prepare the one part of an animal no one else wants. The Serbian chef offers recipes for omelets, pizza and barbecue, all made using some poor creature's danglies!
Guys, if you thought the famous ball-nailing scene in The Serpent and the Rainbow was cringe-worthy, just wait until you have to peel and boil your balls following Erovic's oh-so-helpful (and disgusting) pictorial guide. You can score a copy via Yudu.com. In the meantime, here's a comedic version of cooking with balls to calm your nuts:
The Cannibal Cookbook by Nicolas Castelaux
It's time for the castrated bulls and wun-over wabbits to get their wevenge. In the ultimate in tasteless cookbooks, this one teaches cannibals-in-training to prepare tasty human meat. Gives new meaning to steak and kidney pie, eh? It's billed as a novelty, but considering the author admits to (formerly...*cough*) having consumed human flesh, it's likely at least a few of the Lulu readers picking up this grisly manual have considered frying up Uncle Joe's liver after the wake. Tip: Be ready with the fava beans, a nice Chianti and a straitjacket.
Honorable Mentions: The Zombie Cookbook, White Trash Cooking, The Gross-Out, Get Sick And Turn Blue Cookbook and Ted Nugent's Kill It and Grill It.