Phallic Foods and Other Tasty Treats at the Arizona Renaissance Festival

Categories: Events

If you've been to the Arizona Renaissance Festival before, you know how the shows work. Most are wholesome, family-friendly entertainment: comedic storytellers, singing nuns, a prankster hypnotist. Then there are the shows labeled LC for "Loose Cannon" -- i.e. bring the kiddies at the risk of having to explain umpteen penis jokes to them later.

The food follows a similar pattern. Mainly, the faire offers foods designed to look like they'd fit into a Middle Ages feast. Turkey legs. Steak on a stake. Bread bowls (or "trenchers" if you're a Rennie) of stew. And then there are the "LC" foods, which give the adults a chuckle.

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Good thing the kids just don't get it...
​Chocolate didn't really catch on in Europe until the mid to late seventeenth century, and even then it was mainly available to nobles. Bananas were introduced earlier, though they weren't exactly commonplace. But who cares about historical accuracy when you can eat a chocolate-coated phallic symbol? With nuts, natch. There's also the sausage on a stick. And the pickle vendor.

Lest you think the culinary lewdness be limited to the male of the species, I present the "Lusty Wench" -- two plump, juicy berries nestled next to one another and drizzled in chocolate (every straight male Rennie's dream). They are even anatomically proportionate.

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Notice how one berry is always slightly bigger than the other.

Relatively new to the festival are Scotch Eggs, a traditional British Isles dish of hard-boiled egg inside a sausage crust. This version looked a little too much like, ahem, one of "the boys" for my taste, but was delicious nonetheless.

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You're not going to get gourmet eats at the AZ Renaissance Festival even if you partake in the six-course Pleasure Feast, which offers better but not exactly Michelin star-worthy fare. What you'll find is comforting, homey, F-U-N food that's messy to eat and socially acceptable to wear dribbling down your t-shirt.

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Gnaw on one of these babies and your stress will melt away.

Let's face it. You may not be able to punch your boss in the face the next time he piles a crapload of paperwork on your desk. But you can get out your frustrations -- and embrace your primal desires -- by gnawing the heck out of a turkey leg at the renaissance faire.

The Arizona Renaissance Festival continues through Sunday, March 28 at their fairgrounds in Apache Junction. Discount tickets are available online at www.royalfaires.com or at Valleywide Fry's grocery stores.

Here are a few more food photos to get you stoked for this year's faire. 

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The crepe maker in action.
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The medieval McMuffin: A bacon, egg and cheese crepe.
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For the low-carb dieters, there's always Steak on a Stake.
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Don't twist yourself in knots trying to find ballpark food here.
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The best reason to chow down at the faire: decently priced wine, beer and mead.


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