Thinking About Shacking Up With a Vegetarian? Five Things You Should Know First
Vegetarianism is running rampant these days. And if you're a lady who goes for the kind of guy who writes songs, wears TOMS shoes and has grown a beard at some point in the last two years, you've most likely slept with, dated or cohabited with a vegetarian.
In the past three years of being a single (omnivorous) woman and then finally landing THE relationship, I had romantic encounters of varying degrees with four (count 'em) vegetari-men.
And now I shall share my wisdom with you in this non-gender specific list outlining the perils and pitfalls of falling in love with a vegetarian. (You're welcome).
Okay, so, take the average frequency that humans drop dooker and double it. That's what a vegetarian's butt does. It's not that they create more poo, it's just that they have to get rid of it more often. Blame the roughage. And be prepared to find fecal confetti in the toilet because somehow, vegetarians don't know about the double-flush.
2. Say bye-bye to your favorite restaurant.
Inevitably, your favorite restaurant will only offer one generic veggie sandwich. Which means you get to go there once when you're first dating and then never go there again. This really sucks and when you're having one of those days where you bring out that mental list of all the things wrong with your relationship, this is going to be on there. So, a little advice to the vegetarians who date omnivores: you may want to fill the void with a random act of romance (fellas, get her a surprise bouquet of flowers and ladies, go for the surprise BJ). This will cancel out your partner's dining loss.
3. Turning vegetarian makes people think they can cook. Get ready to gulp down some nasty.
Since the same five vegetarian-friendly restaurants in town will inevitably get old (if I have to eat Pita Jungle one more f*cking time...), your partner will throw on an apron and a chef's hat to make some really weird things in the kitchen. My advice? Avoid anything that has meat substitutes and just stick with tofu or bean dishes for your protein. If you're in the mood for beef and they fix you some crappy oatmeal-based burger, no one will get laid that night.
4. A couple who eats vegetarian together, smells each other's vegetarian farts together.
It's humiliating to even have to write about this. But, after a while, the both of you will run out of excuses to walk into the other room for a minute. Or worse, the other person will eventually follow you and walk into your stink trail. Sure, this happens with all couples. But with a diet of chickpeas, lentils, dark green veggies and every bean imaginable, the household is a gas factory. Buy a HEPA filter and just stand right next to it.
5. Brace yourself for hearing relentless, whiny bitching at catered events and weddings.
This one is my favorite. So you're at a wedding. You're feeling all romantic, happy and a little drunk. Then they bust out the food spread. This should be a moment of glory, but, too bad for you! You are now romantically obligated to nod your head and lend words of empathy to your poor, starved vegetarian lover. And, since they're hungry, they get grumpier with every discovery of meat on the buffet. Oh, and they get really loud. Even if it's a backyard budget wedding and the bride's darling mother, aunts and granny slaved in the kitchen for hours to pull off the spread, everyone will know just how insulting that chicken egg roll is. And, goddammit, they should know. How dare they not take a vegetarian's "needs" into consideration? It's not like vegetarians choose to be this way.