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I know, I know -- it's too hot, and you were planning on spending Labor Day weekend on the couch, watching the Food Network with cold Kilt Lifter in hand and a freezer full of paletas.

Well, nobody's stopping you, but here's something that sounds a lot more fun, kind of like an interactive version of your favorite cooking shows, with some of the hottest chefs in town: Phoenix Cooks! (Their punctuation, not mine, btw.)

On the "Two Chefs in a Kitchen" stage, you'll be able to watch chefs like Wade Moises (Sassi) and Matt Carter (Zinc Bistro) go toque to toque, with local TV and radio personalities serving as hosts. Elsewhere, the lineup of chefs cooking their signature dishes onstage includes Pierino Jermonti, executive pastry chef for the Royal Palms. You can also register to participate in a blind wine tasting, where you might get paired up with one of the celebrity team players to drop some knowledge on different varietals.

There will be separate tickets available for 30 different Food Forums, half-hour-long classes on everything from "Risotto Techniques," with chef Matt McLinn from Methode Bistro, to "All Things Bruschetta," with multimedia queen Jan D'Atri.

And it just wouldn't be a Phoenix culinary event without food and wine tastings, plus tons of exhibitors. Of course they'll have plenty.

The shindig takes place from 10:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. this Saturday, September 1, at the Arizona Biltmore Resort & Spa. I dare you to sneak into the swimming pool.

Now that September's almost upon us, get ready for the seasonal roll out of new menus and new chefs around town.

One of the latest places to undergo a late-summer revamp is Bloom, at Gainey Ranch. Jason Frandsen recently took over as executive chef there, after working on the launch of another Fox Restaurant Concepts eatery, Olive & Ivy, where he was the executive sous chef. Frandsen has also worked at The Phoenician and Different Pointe of View.

The word is, Frandsen's keeping some of the more popular signature dishes, but there are plenty of new items on the menu now, including sherry-braised shortribs, and poached shrimp and English cucumber salad with avocados and heirloom tomatoes. Among pastry chef Travis Watson's updated dessert options, there's a caramel and roasted pineapple bread pudding that sounds pretty darn delish...

Any new Central Phoenix lunch option is cause for celebration, in my book -- especially when it's a restaurant I already enjoy for dinner. The fact that I'll be able to eat moules frites more often only adds to my happiness.

Starting next week, on September 4, Trente-Cinq 35 will start offering a weekday lunch service. Chef-owner Lionel Geuskens says he'll still offer Belgian dishes -- namely those mussels in white wine broth, along with fabulous fries -- but the menu will feature lighter food than in the evening.

Among the sandwich and salad selections will be an endive salad with raspberries, raspberry vinaigrette, sugared walnuts, and goat cheese; a baked, honey-glazed ciabatta sandwich filled with prosciutto, gruyere, and tomatoes; and toasted ciabatta smothered in mushrooms and gruyere bechamel sauce.

Lunch will run from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., Tuesday through Friday, while dinner will still be served Tuesday through Saturday evenings. Trente-Cinq 35 is located at 2333 N. 7th St.

I know, you don't need somebody to twist your arm for some Thai food and a wine tasting, but doing indulging for charity is extra motivation to get out and mingle.

Tomorrow night, Aug. 21, the Phoenix Corkscrews -- an enthusiastic group of wine lovers who don't care if you're a geek or a newbie -- are hosting Cheers to a Cure, at Malee's Desert Ridge. All proceeds from the event will go into the fundraising pot for three Corkscrews who're participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, a 60-mile walk to promote breast cancer awareness. The money they raise will benefit Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. And did I mention admission is only 30 bucks? ($25 in advance)

Nibble on spring rolls and satay while sampling Night Owl Chardonnay, Smash Grapes Pinot Grigio, Encore White Medley, 14 Hands Merlot, and Huntington Cabernet. The sipping starts at 6:30 p.m. Visit the Corkscrews' website for tickets and more info.

I don't know if it's because it's been a long week, or what, but my ass is dragging this morning, and I'm looking forward to being holed up in my office indefinitely, with a big project to finish. It's only 9, and I'm already fantasizing about taking a nap. On days like this, I need a ton of caffeine and some kind of edible motivation to carry me through til lunchtime (writing about food on an empty stomach is masochism at its best). Today I brought a piece of homemade apple pie to work, and picked up a venti nonfat sugarfree vanilla latte at Starbucks.

About two sips into it, I checked my email and just got this awesome link from one of my friends. It's the Oracle of Starbucks -- just enter what you ordered and the Oracle will tell you what kind of loser you are. Get a load of my personality type, which made me laugh out loud and almost made the damn latte shoot out of my nose:

Personality type: Schmuck

Also drinks: $15 martinis
Can also be found: Staring at self in mirror

You know, I always wondered what kind of career I'd have if I weren't in journalism, and now I know: porn star.

TGIF!

Ed Aiona

Let the good times roll: Roshambo Winery makes a pit stop in Scottsdale tonight

Right now, I envy the dudes from Roshambo Winery -- you'd recognize their labels by their distinctive rocks-paper-scissors logo -- who're touring California and Arizona in their tricked-out Roshambus. These guys get to party like rock stars without the hassles of actually being in a band.

I rang up the winery's PR guru, Dan Ricciato, a little while ago, and he told me they just did an event in Tucson last night. In a freak small-world moment at Hotel Congress, he happened to run into Helen Hestenes -- owner of the Icehouse -- whom he'd met at a Cali wine tasting a few weeks earlier. Helen told Ricciato to get in touch with New Times, and coincidentally, I was trying to get in touch with him right around the same time. Everything is connected.

Anyway, the Roshambus will be at SIX for the Chris Clouse and DJ Zhaldee show tonight, from about 7 p.m. until the club kids come home. (Doors for the show are at 9 p.m.) Featured wines of the night will include Roshambo's syrah, sauvignon blanc, and rose.

You know those handy little 19-minute parking spaces right in front of La Grande Orange? I guess now they're off-limits for everyone except people picking up pizza orders that they've called in.

It's no secret that parking's a total bitch in the area around 40th Street and Campbell (and man, do I feel sorry for the people who live nearby), but those little short-term spots were a glimmer of hope. Now the businesses in that area are victims of their own success, and apparently LGO's even hired a dude whose job seems to be shushing people away from those parking spaces unless they want to pick up a pie.

Lame.

I've been a total defender of La Grande Orange -- even as the chorus of complainers about how the neighborhood's turning into Snottsdale West is growing louder -- just because I adore their tuna melt. I pretty much won't eat a tuna melt anywhere else, theirs is so good. I like stopping by to grab a bottle of wine and some cheese if I'm expecting houseguests, or picking up a pre-packaged salad when I'm in a hurry. And I'm always game for gelato at Arlecchino.

LGO's been a reliable pit stop for years now. I hate it when times finally change.

Jackie Mercandetti

Chef Greg LaPrad and sous chef Anthony Andiario ride their vacation high with a culinary take on Tuscany.

Fresh off the plane from a trip to Italy, the kings of the Quiessence kitchen have cooked up a tasty looking menu for next week's special dinner (6:30 p.m., Aug. 16, $75 per person, plus $45 for wine pairings -- call 602-276-0601 for reservations).

Doesn't it figure I'd find this tidbit right around lunchtime? Check out what's planned for the evening:

Aperitif:
Carta Di Musica and Prosecco

Cafe:
Italian Espresso

The Foodbar was just the first of seven restaurants in the works for the upscale, canal-front SouthBridge development in Scottsdale. Next up, with a planned debut in October, will be Canal, a scenestery spot where there decor will include 30 feet of high-definition projection screens along a fashion runway.

But what about the food? Chef Justin Beckett's sound just as glamorous. Got a hankering for a lobster tail sandwich with chanterelles and creamy Boursin cheese? You'll find it at Canal, for the above-mentioned price. Start putting away a dollar a day, and by the grand opening, you can spurge on dinner for two.

When it comes to restaurant openings, I’m like a hungry kid who wants another helping of mac ‘n’ cheese.

Another new place? Yes, please!

The latest place I’m looking forward to checking out is called dish: a food experience, a new market and bistro that’s set to open this Friday, August 10, at The Shops at Gainey Village.

Talk about being all things to all people. This place promises a little bit of everything, food-wise, from grab-and-go goodies to sit-down service in the evening. The folks behind dish are really leaving us no excuse not to eat there.

On the market side of things, there will be a full-service deli promising over a hundred items – lasagna, smoked tenderloin, and sweet & sour shrimp cakes, to name a few – as well as a hot grill line serving up plenty of breakfast-y stuff (New Orleans-style stuffed pancakes with dulce de leche filling sound good . . .) and carved-to-order barbecued meats for lunch and dinner. There will be sandwiches, salads, pastries, homemade breads, gelato, and more, which you can eat in or take out, as well as a selection of gourmet specialty foods and wines to stock up on.

At dinnertime, the casual, full-service bistro/wine bar side of dish will dole out homey sides like mashed potatoes and ham hock greens, sandwiches, pasta bowls, and starters such as crispy sea salt calamari, steamed chicken dumplings, and a sopressata caesar salad. Stick-to-your ribs entrees include catfish and chips, shrimp pot pie, and rotisserie leg of lamb. A handful of wood-fired pizzas rounds out the menu. Pizza Balboa, with shaved flat iron steak, sweet peppers, charred onion, and provolone, and Cavolfiore Selvaggio, topped with asapargus, curried cauliflower, arugula, and pinon, are just a couple of intriguing creations.

As if all of that doesn’t already grab your attention, there’s chef de cuisine Martin LaMarche’s noteworthy resume. Prior to joining the dish operations team, he worked at Binkley's, ran two notable restaurants in Fredericksburg, VA (Jake & Mike’s, and Soup and Taco), and was employed by two James Beard award-winning chefs (Patrick O’Connell, owner of The Inn at Little Washington in Washington, VA, and Hiro Sone, at Terra in St. Helena, CA).

dish: a food experience will be open daily; the market will run from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., while the bistro will operate from 4 to 10 p.m., Sunday – Thursday, and 4 p.m. to 11 p.m. Friday and Saturday. The Shops at Gainey Village is at 8977 N. Scottsdale Rd., at the southeast corner of Scottsdale Road and Doubletree Ranch Rd. Call 480-584-6190 for details, or visit the website (as of this post, the site is just a homepage without functional links).

Wow, this is a first: having a server blame you for your shitty food.

I met my friend at Pho Bang for lunch -- we usually frequent Da Vang -- and her order of catfish came out smelling very, very wrong. She told me to taste it to see if I agreed, and luckily, I could tell it was bad before I took an unfortunate bite like she did. (She couldn't get the taste out of her mouth, then, either.) My parents owned a seafood shop, and I grew up with a firsthand knowledge of fish. Sorry, it's not supposed to make you gag.

When we finally got our waitress to bring a much needed drink refill, my friend very politely explained that there was something wrong with her dish, and that she couldn't eat it. The stern old lady replied, "It's not my fault," and, "You ordered it, and you still have to pay for it."

Uh-unh, no she di-iiiin't!

Then she sends the manager over, who doesn't apologize, doesn't try to be helpful. Instead, the woman tells my friend, "It's Vietnamese food, you just don't know how to eat it." Like it's her fault for ordering it.

Are you kidding me? My friend loves Southeast Asian food so much she probably has fish sauce running through her veins.

As gracious as my friend was, she wouldn't back down, and I kept chiming in that the fish isn't fresh. Finally, the lady took the offending plate away and offered to bring something else. Of course, when it came time to pay our check, we got charged for my friend's nasty catfish -- the woman acted like she did us a favor for not charging for another bowl of noodles (like I ordered) so my friend didn't go hungry.

I'm still amazed at the piss poor treatment we got. And to think -- it was our fault that the fish tasted bad! Well, there really is a first time for everything...