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There's a sucker born every minute, and apparently a lot of them have money to blow, from the looks of the "Ultimate Valentine Package" being pimped by Barcelona in Scottsdale. For losers, er, lovers who have 25 grand to spend on their soulmates, the restaurant promises an evening of over-the-top luxuries. Check out the goods from their press release (in bold):

Private Chauffeured transportation in a Rolls Royce Phantom -- What is this, the prom?
Two Dozen Long Stemmed Roses -- Go for the obvious.
Private Gazebo (filled with rose petals) at Barcelona Restaurant -- It'll be sooo romantic!
Private Tuxedoed Butler in the Gazebo -- Because you're still not rich enough to have a personal chef at home.
One bottle of Don Perignon Champagne -- Because you have to get her drunk first.
(2) souvenir Waterford Crystal Champagne Glasses -- Because you have a secret white trash compulsion to steal tableware.
Five course menu (including caviar appetizer) -- Why bother? Your bulimic arm candy's heading straight to the ladies' room after eating something with calories.
Chocolate Fountain and Chocolate Covered Strawberry Dessert -- See above.
Dedicated song and dance for Valentine couple (entertainment by ENVY) -- Maybe something by Celine Dion?
His/Hers Cartier Watches -- Bling worked for Kobe Bryant, too.
(1) night stay-Presidential Suite-Westin Kierland Resort -- Don't forget to bring the cigars...

Maybe I was supposed to be oohing and aahing at that list of splurges, but instead I was simulaneously smirking and gagging. And yes, there really is a $25,000 price tag. (Shit, you could throw a really great wedding for less than that, but I suspect that people who are this desperate probably wouldn't even make it as far as an engagement.)

If somebody were going to spend that kind of cash on you, wouldn't you rather just get a car with a big red bow on top? Or a few weeks at a swanky resort in Bali? Or a trip to Spain on a private jet, with dinner reservations at El Bulli? The possibilities are endless . . .

Ooh, did you catch that episode of Iron Chef America with Masaharu Morimoto versus Homaru Cantu? I finally watched it last night after having in my DVR list for a few days. (I got a little behind last week, and was more preoccupied with drinking Emergen-C , sucking on green tea Cold-Eeze, and taking naps to fight off that awful thing that was going around.)

It was one of the most exciting episodes ever -- just a total showdown of weird science and culinary creativity. I've read about Chef Cantu for and his Chicago restaurant, Moto, seemingly everywhere, and not just in foodie rags. (Fast Company ran an interesting piece last year.) Apparently his kitchen is more like a laboratory, and his edible concoctions completely defy traditional notions of cuisine -- or food in general, for that matter. How about an edible menu printed with food-based inks, or a bowl of soup frozen with liquid nitrogen? Dinner at Moto would cost about as much as a plane ticket to O'Hare, but what the hell -- I'd go in a heartbeat if I hit the jackpot.

Meanwhile, Chef Morimoto is just all-around cool, up there with Tony Bourdain in my short-list of culinary crushes. Before he was a restaurant world rock star, a friend and I had a nice chat with him when he was still at Nobu in New York. Then in 2002, my uncle took me to his new restaurant in Philly, which turned out to be one of the most memorable and mind-blowing meals of my life. I still dream about wasabi tiramisu from time to time. And these days I can't get enough of his beer. That's right, the dude has three different brews from Rogue, and man are they good. Try the Morimoto Soba Ale the next time you hit up the Roosevelt Tavern.

Along with the incredible chef matchup, I was psyched to see Jeffrey Steingarten as one of the judges. He's the food columnist at Vogue, an adventurous writer and gourmet. I have a culinary crush on him, too. Even if you have no interest in fashion (but how could you not?), Vogue's worth the subscription just for his obsessively detailed articles.

Anyway, I won't reveal who won the super-close competition, in case you can still catch a rerun...

Once upon a time, when I was a broke-ass college student living on bagels, instant ramen, and cheap Chinese takeout in the upscale culinary wonderland that is New York City, I got a taste of the good life -- literally -- when an old high school friend called me up, saying he needed a date for a work-related event. Turns out, he was handling the Rolex account for a major ad agency, and had to schmooze with his clients at a private party hosted by the Forbes family. The soiree was held in the Temple of Dendur room at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and since the highlight of the night was a private showing of the Faberge collection -- display cases full of diamond and jewel-encrusted eggs -- the party had a Russian theme.

I couldn't believe the spread -- platters of blinis, bowls full of glistening black caviar, and plenty of champagne to wash it down. I'd only ever tasted caviar as a precious garnish on a few dishes, so being able to eat all I wanted was unreal. And can caviar make you high? I don't know -- maybe it was the champagne -- but after eating enough of it, I started to feel a kind of restless, giddy energy coming on. I floated through the rest of the night. It ruined me, it spoiled me -- ever since then, I've had a thing for that pretentious delicacy.

Well, now I know where I can stock up on caviar and other Russian treats. I recently stopped by a shop called Russian Market, and was blown away by how many interesting products they packed into two tiny rooms -- meats and cheeses and cookies and chocolates, shelves full of Russian beer, and exotic-looking bottles of wine. There were all kinds of kitschy mystery products emblazoned in colorful Cyrillic text, but I had no trouble ID'ing the caviar. Gratefully, it wasn't priced for billionaires.

Russian Market's at 7828 N. 19th Ave, near the southwest corner of 19th Ave and Northern. Call 602-433-2525 for info.

There's enough subject matter in Phoenix for somebody out there to win this contest, courtesy of New Times columnist The Mexican:

"�ASK A MEXICAN! CONTEST! The Mexican is looking for pictures of the most stereotypical Mexican restaurant logos in the country to include in his upcoming book. If you'd like to see your picture in the libro, e-mail me at garellano@ocweekly.com. The five best pictures will be included, and the winners will receive a free autographed copy of the book along with a lawn mowing of up to 200 square feet."

Have you been to the Sweet Pea Bakery yet? It's a welcome addition to downtown, tucked into a small storefront at the southwest corner of Jackson and 2nd Ave. Up until recently, I'd only ever stopped in to get some peanut butter and jelly sandwich cookies to go, but then some of my friends threw a birthday party there, and I realized what a cute hangout it is -- a handful of tables and colorful canvases on the walls make the space inviting. Not surprisingly, Sweet Pea even hosts artist receptions on First Fridays.

Everybody raved about the delicious hazelnut cake (filled with chocolate ganache and covered in buttercream frosting, with a layer of fondant on top), and we noshed all night on cheeses and crudites and this amazing warm mushroom and fig dip made by chef-owner Danielle Librera. I can be a creature of habit when I find food I love, but here, I want to try every last tartlet and cupcake on the menu. (With options like olive oil carrot cupcakes with mascarpone icing, and lemon curd tart with a pine nut crust and fresh raspberries, wouldn't you be indecisive, too?)

This is my kind of democracy: For the first time in the history of the Scottsdale Culinary Festival, the public is invited to cast votes to decide who'll get get top honors at the 2007 Arizona Culinary Hall of Fame Dinner, which will be held on Thursday, April 12, at Marquesa at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess. It's just one event among six days of eating, drinking, and who knows -- maybe even a little debauchery.

Through February 15, you can log on to the festival's website to vote for one of four nominees in each category, or pick your own write-in candidate. In the running for the title of "Culinary Chef Extraordinaire" are Kevin Binkley (Binkley's), Deborah Knight (Mosaic Restaurant), Wade Moises (Sassi), and Michael Rusconi (Lon's at the Hermosa). Among the individual and institutional contenders for the "Culinary Media Master" award are Channel 8 (KAET), Karen Fernau (Arizona Republic), Brad Perry (Channel 3 KTVK), and Don Sandler & Kim Laurie (Culinary Confessions). And "Culinary Ambassador" nominees include The Thunderbirds, Dennis & Mike Mastro (Mastro's Restaurants), and Guy Villavaso (Eddie V's, Wildfish, and Z'Tejas).

Time to rock the vote, folks!

This just in from an old friend of mine who also blogs about food:

"Anyway, what's up with that mouth on your blog? It scares me. Is that really how you eat these days? If so, you're taking the job a little too seriously! Let's see what's in there -- a hot dog, a strawberry, a piece of sushi and what appears to be either a green bean or piece of green pepper -- oh, and a lot of drool. I'm thinking I need something similar for my blog, maybe just with a bottle of tequila, a banh mi, and a piece of chocolate cake. And no lipstick. I'm only kidding, I think it's funny."

It cracks me up, too. The Chow Bella logo sprang from the demented, brilliant mind (and appetite, apparently) of local artist Mike Maas, whose colorful depictions of punk rockers, pinups, movie characters, and assorted subcultural icons reveal one cheeky sense of humor. Get a look at the gallery on his website -- I'm lusting after the painting called "The Three Muses," with bobble-headed Emma Peel, Barbarella and Catwoman. There's also a great one of Ian McKaye as a tempted saint (I, too, knelt at that straight-edge altar as a pissed-off, coffee-swilling 16-year-old), Divine riding a pink flamingo, and a blue-haired Morrissey adorning a ouija board. Someday I'd love to commission Maas to make a crazy portrait of yours truly, but in the meantime, I'm flattered that my red-lipsticked mouth is in such good company.

Is is me or did the temperature really plummet since this morning? Lately, the nice weather's had me thinking spring -- don't you just love January in Arizona? -- but I guess I jumped the gun. Time to dig out a scarf, mix up a mug full of hot chocolate, and revel in our "winter" just a little bit longer.

Korean food sounds really good right now -- flavorful, fortifying, and hot in more ways than one. Out in the East Valley, there's a place called Chodang (501 N. Arizona Ave. in Chandler) that specializes in thick, chunky tofu soups that would be the perfect belly-warmer on a day like today. And just three months ago, Vit Goal Tofu & BBQ opened up on the west side (17037 N. 43rd Ave., Glendale) with a menu full of similar offerings. I finally got my hands on their menu, and the one with beef, kimchi and tofu looks tasty. And get this -- they have five levels of spiciness, from "plain" to "fire." Until my toes thaw out, I'll go for the latter.

I can't skip town and spend the weekend in Tucson, but if I could, I'd head straight for this: the Tucson Slow Food Film Festival, on January 12-14. There's a different theme at a different restaurant each night (with feature films to match). and Saturday afternoon has a packed lineup of food-related feature shorts and documentaries, plus a keynote speech on food politics by Dr. Marion Nestle of NYU. Sounds like a blast! I'd love to see something like this here in the Valley. Maybe our Slow Food peeps could join forces with No Festival Required...

Chow Bella's been going strong for over a month now, and so far I think people are eating it up. Are you? If so -- or if not -- I'd love to hear your feedback. Hit me up with comments, emails, and tasty tidbits for the blogosphere.

The timing is just too weird. I write a roundup of some healthy eating options around town, and then a copy of the new Sur La Table catalog lands on my desk, with a distractingly yummy-looking, larger-than-life photo of creme brulee on the cover. It's a Valentine-themed issue, so the interior pages have plenty of pastel pink, heart-shaped knickknacks for the kitchen, displayed with all the sugary, gooey treats you can make with them. Looks like my New Year's resolutions have a built-in expiration date: February 14.

Or should I say, they would've had an expiration date, if I hadn't just blown my healthy streak over lunch, with one of those insanely good barbecued pulled pork and Fontina sandwiches at Cibo. The bread was homemade saltimbocca , still warm from the oven, and the shredded meat was smoky-sweet. I'd recommend Cibo any day of the week, but it's an especially nice option on Mondays (what's up with so many Phoenix restaurants being closed on Sundays and Mondays?).

The menu at Cafe Zuzu, that sleek little restaurant inside the Hotel Valley Ho, always struck me as really comfort food-y, full of homey, guilty pleasures -- homemade potato chips with blue cheese fondue being my prime example.

But it looks like executive chef Chuck Wiley's having fun in the kitchen with Zuzu's Monday Night Chef's Table events, a weekly three-course prix fixe with wine pairings. The thing that really caught my eye in the upcoming schedule was this drool-worthy appetizer: roasted beet salad with Humboldt Fog and sherry-honey reduction. Wow, that sounds good. Calling all beet salad and goat cheese lovers... you know who you are!

Anyway, that's one of the dishes on the menu for the January 22 "Perfect Vegetable" dinner, which will feature organic produce and a chat with special guest Pat Duncan, from Goodyear's Duncan Produce Co. The main course that night will be herb-roasted beef tenderloin with braised field greens, sweet young carrots, and red wine sauce. For dessert, look for Holland rhubarb strudel with rum glaze and chocolate ice cream.

Other Chef's Table themes in the works for this month: "Crab Fest" (Jan. 8 ), "Ahi Several Ways" (Jan. 15), and "Jamison Farms Lamb" (Jan. 29). The price is $42 per person (plus tax and tip), and you can make reservations by calling 480-421-7710.

I did my fair share of socializing -- and eating -- over the long weekend, but most of the time, I enjoyed sunny afternoons at home with a stack of fun, new-ish books.

After having it on my must-read list for a few months, I finally got started on The United States of Arugula: How We Became a Gourmet Nation, a behind-the-scenes account of how our country became a land of foodies, by David Kamp. I've barely cracked it, but so far it's as vividly written and thoroughly reported as a good Vanity Fair story (where Kamp's a contributing editor).

On the pictures-are-worth-a-thousand-words end of the spectrum, I lusted after dishes like the seafood bara sushi and jalapeno soba in Nobu Now, a glossy coffee table tome full of photos and recipes from superstar chef Nobuyuki Matsuhisa. The thing usually costs $45, but I lucked out and found a clearance copy for considerably less, at Anthropologie, of all places. Score!

And then there was one of my favorite Christmas presents, the completely hysterical I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, by comedy genius Amy Sedaris. The thing is, she's not entirely joking with this book, a wacked-out bible of entertaining do's and don'ts, recipes, and craft ideas that takes its inspiration from how-to titles and cookbooks of yore, complete with strangely tinted, vintage-looking photos. I almost had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at some of the blurbs and pictures in here. Be sure to check out the meatloaf wreath, the "perfect party cake," and the retro-chic Amy with her bong next to a helpful list of "munchies."