Jim Carrey, Right on Gun Nuts, Fox News, Emma Stone...

I've lived in New York, Los Angeles and a few places in between, but only in Arizona have I ever felt like I actually might need a gun.

Not to protect myself from armed robbers and whatnot, but to protect myself from Sand Land's rabid gun nuts, who on the whole are a truculent passel of redneck a-holes in dire need of dental care.

Here in Arizona, the wackos -- who, alas, are in power -- believe the Second Amendment was written in stone by Yahweh with an index finger of lightening, right around the time Charlton Heston came down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments.

So when the Sandy Hook massacre occurred, instead of having a rational discussion about reasonable limitations on the possession of anything less than a Weapon of Mass Destruction, even some of the Democrats here (such as they are) joined their GOP colleagues in calling for more guns in schools, whether held by the teachers, a school resource officer or a principal, you name it.

There is little point in discussing the issue with Arizona pistol-kissers, save to insult them, which is why I so enjoy the collaboration between Jim Carrey and the Eels on the ditty, "Cold Dead Hand," which pretty much tells it like it is: big gun = small penis.

Amazingly, there are some folks here in the Land Time Forgot who've confessed that they haven't seen the Hee Haw-themed spoof. Therefore, I post it on this blog as a service to the community.

Carrey has quickly rocketed to my number one fave celeb for this video and his riposte to Fox News' venom in its wake, calling "Fux news" a "a media colostomy bag that...should be emptied before it becomes a public health issue," and hoping that Fux will be recorded in media history as "nothing more than a giant culture fart that no amount of Garlique could cure."

I also share Carrey's obsession with Scottsdale-native Emma Stone, but that's another subject entirely.

So, happy Easter, gun nuts! Go kill a bunny, and have it stuffed and mounted as a monument to your general impotence and tiny manhood.


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60 comments
Mikey1969
Mikey1969

"big gun = small penis"


Funny how it's the anti-gun people with the penis obsession. I kid you not, a gun conversation can't go 3 minutes without a gun opponent pulling out he word penis, yet they accuse gun owners of being penis obsessed... Kind of weird how the people who never brought genitals into the picture are the ones that get attacked, while those who never bring penii into the debate are the ones who are accused of compensating for a small dick.

Just some food for thought.


Also, just wondering why it's OK to stereotype white people. If that was replaced with black people sitting around preparing to rob someplace or shooting up drugs, we wouldn't be able to hear oer the wails of outrage.

I mean, a rational debate is fine, but whipping out the 'small dick' jokes sure doesn't make it sound like YOU are interested in one. Don't worry though, I'll continue to read your columns, most of the time, you hit the nail really close to the head, if not directly on it, but even the best is going to squeeze a real stinker from between their cheeks every once in awhile.

DiegoDeLaVega
DiegoDeLaVega

Wow.  Can Lemon's write or what?  Great stuff.

SgtDonDonowitz
SgtDonDonowitz

I used to enjoy reading articled posted by the New Times because I thought that they were fair and un-biased. Apparently times have changed. Maybe this was meant as satire and I missed it but this article is not only stupid but ignorant as well. Rather than complaining in a manner that would offer a solution, this piece comes across as a poorly written article with  little factual information at all, and obviously written by someone more concerned with genital size (probably stemming from a personal issue) than fact. A persons “package” has nothing to do with their understanding of the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. But this article only goes on to demonizes those lawful citizens who support these laws. My comments are for the author of this article. You sir are stupid, ignorant and obviously bought and paid for by your corporate sponsors. I’m sure you and Mr. Carrey can find lots to discuss in someone else’s state if you’re too scared to call Arizona home… as stated time and time again, those who are willing to sacrifice their freedoms for the temporary illusion of safety deserve neither freedom nor safety. If you let government ban guns, expect books, and art, and logical news articles opposite of this one to follow. Molon Labe

HaddieNuff
HaddieNuff

It's called satire, and in this case it's spot on.  No one is proposing taking our guns, and nothing in the discussed/pending legislation violates the 2nd Amendment.  Read the majority opinion in the 2008 SCOTUS decision in DC v Heller, part III. 

While the decision finds that we as indivuals have the right to own a gun and keep it in our homes, that's about it for the 2nd. Writing for the majority, Justice Scalia clearly says the 2nd does not convey unlimited rights, and we do not have the right to pack heat wherever we please.  He goes on to say that nothing in the opinion is to cast doubt on long-standing prohibitions banning ownership of guns by certain segments of our society, or banning weapons in specific areas, or a market ban on some types of weapons and ammunition. 

Why doesn't everyone know this? Because the media prefers to follow sensationalized comment and conspiracy theories.  Sad, but true.

http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/07pdf/07-290.pdf

danzigsdaddy
danzigsdaddy topcommenter

okay, I got the Ghandi, Lennon and Lincoln lookalikes, who is the blonde supposed to be or is she just background filler?

MaskedMagician1967
MaskedMagician1967 topcommenter

I actually like Jim Carrey. He's a great actor and can be really funny.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment but I believe that responsible people should be able to access weapons regardless of genital size.

Comanche_Moon
Comanche_Moon

I'm tired of being hit over the head daily with the anti gun rhetoric.  It's relentless. 

info3490
info3490

The exception should never guide the rule. Our time would be better spent looking at the factors that created these people. Guns, sticks, stones- the medium doesn't matter. People with the need to kill will find a way.

bob_lablaw96
bob_lablaw96

Jim Carrey has armed security to keep the paparazzi away from him, but thinks that he is the only one allowed to be guarded?  Oh, that's right...he wants the Messiah to have armed guards watching over him as he golfs.

Lemons...you are a bit more caustic on this topic than you have ever been on anything not having to do with the Shurf.  Do gun owners all seem the same to you? If so, why are you still here?  I-10 goes to the liberal wasteland of CA, and I-40 can get you a long ride out of the hell you see AZ to be.

I understand that you are expected to be someone that gets the comments flowing, but this story was a bit of a stretch.

robert_graham
robert_graham topcommenter

What's wrong with the right to have guns... you think you have the right to illegally cross our borders.  Therefore we can also call you a nut.

valleynative
valleynative

If you can't defend your position with reason and facts, insults will have to do.


shadeaux14
shadeaux14 topcommenter

@Mikey1969 of course gun nuts are not penis obsessed, Got to have one in order to form an obsession.

valleynative
valleynative

@Mikey1969  What this article shows is that he's never taken a moment to think rationally about gun control, and has only ever allowed his emotions to determine his opinions.

shadeaux14
shadeaux14 topcommenter

@SgtDonDonowitz As many of your freedoms the shrub and his cabal trashed, guess what, you don't have freedom OR safety. All you've got is the false sense of security your guns give you.

valleynative
valleynative

@HaddieNuff  Feinstein proposed taking our guns.  She said that if she thought she had the votes, she would propose a forced buy-back program.  Why don't you know this?

The problem with the "assault weapons" ban isn't so much the 2nd amendment as it is the fact that such weapons and large magazines are so very rarely used in crimes that the FBI has said that a ban would have no measurable impact on crime statistics, just as it had no impact previously.

HaddieNuff
HaddieNuff

@danzigsdaddy You're probably too young to remember Hee Haw, but that was standard for the show to have shapely young things in short shorts and tight tops.  I think that's all the blonde is supposed to be.  I could certainly be wrong.

valleynative
valleynative

@Comanche_Moon That's how propaganda works.  If you can't make a logical case, you say it often enough that people believe that it's something that "everybody knows".

azcumsquelcher
azcumsquelcher

@info3490 people like Adam Lanza, James Holmes and Jared Loughner would not be any less dangerous living free in a society where guns are illegal but still available. Even if guns were totally unavailable, they could still find ways to harm others 

azcumsquelcher
azcumsquelcher

@bob_lablaw96 Stephen Lemons' natural habitat is in an artists' den in Brooklyn or a zen garden somewhere in the Bay area. Arizona is a foreign land to the progressive journalist, it's almost like setting foot on a new planet. All we can do is help him adjust to our distinct political and cultural differences or at the very least accept them like he would the customs of an exotic people from Africa or central America. Unfortunately, we will probably never succeed at this but at least it's worth the try

MotherJones
MotherJones

@bob_lablaw96 Interesting how sensitive they are about the size of their magazines, Lemons. Think u touched a nerve? ;)

MotherJones
MotherJones

@JoeArpaioFan Jaffy, stick to the subject. We all know you have a small penis. That's why your co-workers at BurgerKing laugh at you.

MotherJones
MotherJones

@valleynative u missed the point. No reason to argue with gun totin murderous tards. Insults are the only thing they understand.

herbanaya
herbanaya

@shadeaux14 @Mikey1969  I always say that if you have never used one or needed one to protect yourself you will never know. I am alive today because I am a pistol packing poppa, and packing poppa thank you very much, I've been blessed in that dept.

HaddieNuff
HaddieNuff

@valleynative Excuse me, but that's one specific type of weapon, not guns in general or overall.  To listen to the rabid 'cold dead hands' people one would think it's ALL guns.  There are most definitely bans on certain types of weapons currently.

Do you have a source for your FBI statement?

robert_graham
robert_graham topcommenter

@MotherJones @JoeArpaioFan But what I said is the point. Like I was saying, I guess with you people it's okay to put down others but not okay if others put you down.

shadeaux14
shadeaux14 topcommenter

@MotherJones says " Insults are the only thing they understand"

Very true as long as you use small simple words.

bob_lablaw96
bob_lablaw96

@MotherJones If you feel that it is honorable to tar everyone that disagrees with you using the same feather, you should expect to have others call you names, too.

The fact that I own guns, shoot guns, hunt with guns and have never used any of them to kill any human being should not label me a "murderous tard."

When all you have is insults, not reason, you become a shit eating whore and deserve to be burnt at the stake. 

But, I would not advocate such an ending, as I am much more advanced than a liberal, pandering piece of shit, as you seem to be.

robert_graham
robert_graham topcommenter

@MotherJones You just don't like the thought of people owning guns because you're afraid that when they find out who you are they might be inclined to come and shoot you, right?

valleynative
valleynative

@MotherJones  I understood the message.  It's simply not true.  Just like the lie that an AR-15 is somehow more dangerous than a 9mm.

herbanaya
herbanaya

@ExpertShot @herbanaya @shadeaux14 @Mikey1969  The video is to belittle the NRA,2nd Amendment supporters, & gun owners.  Then refers to gun owners as having  small genitals, we need guns to compensate, I GET IT ! Gun owners are a bunch of dumb assed mofos like you say, so the video is trying to build common opinion to rally the sheeple. I guess that's what you are, bahhahhahaha!

Computer tough guys suck !!

ExpertShot
ExpertShot topcommenter

@herbanaya @shadeaux14 @Mikey1969 The whole point of the video is that there is not a movement to "grab yer guns"!  No one is trying to ban guns - there are no anti-gun groups active in the United States - there are no proposals before congress to ban all guns - there is none - nada - zilch - bupkis!  You people who insist on asserting that there is such a movement, group, laws being proposed are, on the face, dumb assed muthafugkers who we should have nothing but contempt for your ignorance and waste of our time.  STFU!


valleynative
valleynative

@HaddieNuff  "though it might well have reduced mass shootings"  -- There's really absolutely no reason to suspect that.  There's nothing about "assault weapons" or large magazines that contribute to mass shootings.  People who don't know guns can't seem to help believing that an AR-15 can mow down crowds of people in seconds, but it really can't be fired any faster than a pistol, and generally much more slowly, because of recoil and having to swing the whole rifle.

You might also believe that large magazines are an advantage, but they really only make it more likely that you jam and/or fumble the reload.  The Fort Hood shooter used standard factory magazines, and managed to get off more rounds than any other maniac.   As he demonstrated, you can't really tackle a shooter while he's reloading (unless he's using grossly oversized magazines) If he's not a complete idiot, he's still got one in the chamber as he reloads.

valleynative
valleynative

@HaddieNuff Why does common sense mean banning weapons that are rarely used in crimes, and not increasing mental health screening?  What possible definition of common sense is that?

Any law can only grandfather in all firearms already owned.  The feds have the authority through the tax code to regulate the sales of guns, but no authority to tell citizens of the states what we may own.

More mass murders involve blunt instruments than involve rifles.   That's also in the FBI statistics.  Again, how does banning weapons that are very rarely used in crime "common sense".  It's pure emotion.

HaddieNuff
HaddieNuff

@valleynative  I did take a look at the studies you cite.  I also stumbled across an article from the Washington Post written shortly after Sandy Hook. 

http://tinyurl.com/cpjl2d7


From the article, " Experts who have studied the law tend to agree that it was rife with loopholes and generally ineffective at curbing gun violence — though it might well have reduced mass shootings."

In all honesty, I have questioned the effectiveness of the 1994 ban because it grandfathered in all weaspons and extended magazines already owned.  It's also my understanding the latest Feinstein ban does the same thing.

That does not, however, reduce my disgust with the lack of any common sense discussion of the issue. Sorry, Carrey was right on with his satire.

valleynative
valleynative

@HaddieNuffhttp://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/173405.pdf

Is the study that prompted the statement.  In January they said that the ban could only have any measurable impact if all such weapons were confiscated, and even then, it would barely be noticed, since they are so rarely used in crime.  A rifle of any sort is an idiot's choice for crime, since you can't conceal it and it's really awkward to try to control several people at close range by sweeping the barrel back and forth.

valleynative
valleynative

@HaddieNuff  I'd have to google it to find it again.  "Justice department gun ban study" might do the trick.  You could also look at their gun crime statistics, which show what a tiny percentage of all gun crimes involve any sort of rifle, let alone an AR-15, and the fact that most gun crimes involve fewer than 4 shots (and most armed robberies, of course, involve none at all) so magazine size is moot.

Mikey1969
Mikey1969

@MotherJones @valleynative @Comanche_Moon 

But guns DON'T kill people. When is the last time you heard about a gun sitting around, not being handled by anyone, and then killing them.

Do we freak out about hammers when someone beats up someone with a hammer? No, we lock up the person who assaulted someone with that hammer...

azcumsquelcher
azcumsquelcher

@MotherJones @valleynative it is the easiest method but if guns weren't legally available to Harmon, he could have illegally obtained them. People like Harmon are crazy but also quite intelligent in other ways. They WILL find their way around a gun ban, even if it means using weapons that aren't guns. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how to construct a large bomb. Timothy McVey was not a rocket scientist 

valleynative
valleynative

@MotherJones Check the statistics instead of going by your gut feelings.  More mass murders involve blunt instruments than rifles.

MotherJones
MotherJones

@valleynative @MotherJones It ain't just "maniacs." Take the Art Harmon shootings in February. The guy was aggro and having a gun made him feel empowered, a license to kill, which he used. A bat? Gimme a break. Harmon would have killed two grown men and wounded someone else with his bat? I don't think so. U strain credulity. There's nothing quite so easy as pulling a trigger.  

valleynative
valleynative

@MotherJones Maybe you've just never had it explained in terms that you can understand.  The point is that if a person wants to kill somebody, the tool they choose doesn't really make that much difference.  Many will choose guns because they're easy, but if one isn't readily available, they'll use a baseball bat or a can of gasoline.

The problem really isn't that maniacs have access to guns, but that maniacs have access to the people they want to kill.

The correct approach to solving the problem is to work towards identifying and treating or at least isolating the maniacs.

Hope this helps.

MotherJones
MotherJones

@azcumsquelcher @MotherJones @bob_lablaw96 hardly. guys with big guns have soft little weenies. they can't dick anyone hard

azcumsquelcher
azcumsquelcher

@MotherJones @bob_lablaw96 what's with your obsession with little dicks? You've ventured past the point of obscenity and are now just getting weird and redundant. It seems idiotic to link having a little penis to wanting a firearm, and I think you're only belaboring the point to piss people off. Go troll somewhere else 

MotherJones
MotherJones

@bob_lablaw96 @MotherJones "as I am much more advanced than a liberal, pandering piece of shit, as you seem to be" save in the groin area, where you have a tiny peepee and so have to compensate with a big bad gun. 

big gun = small dick. 

bob_lablaw96
bob_lablaw96

@JoeArpaioFan @MotherJones The fact that we haven't shot you should reassure her greatly.  I just think that she likes to fire up the comment section.  

No sane adult would post the shit that she has posted.  

Not even you, Jaffy!

bob_lablaw96
bob_lablaw96

@MotherJones @valleynative I am sure that, in your eyes, anyone carrying either weapon must be a redneck.

Remember that those two weapons are used on a daily basis to defend your right to post your narrow minded opinions.  They are narrow minded, wrong, but protected by 9mm and AR toting military members.

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