Sheriff Joe Arpaio's "groomer" Lisa Allen screws the pooch (um, metaphorically) on Animal Planet's "Groomer Has It."

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MCSO flack Lisa Allen on location in Los Angeles for her big bomb on the reality show Groomer Has It.

She's been grooming the County's top cop for lo these many years, but she still hasn't mastered her part-time passion for pooch pampering. I'm talking about Sheriff's Office PIO Lisa Allen (formerly, Lisa Allen MacPherson), who when she's not whiling away her days kissing Big Dog Arpaio's butt, dabbles in dog-grooming.

Somehow, Allen managed to finagle her way onto Animal Planet's new reality show Groomer Has It, a Project Runway for canine cuddlers. Sadly, Allen crapped out on the first show, coming in last in a competition where she and the other contestants had to groom a faux poodle made of yarn. Allen named her yarn dog "Flower," spray-painting the fake bowser's face purple. The result, according to the judges, was a "trainwreck."

"I could've done that with a hedge clipper," announced one judge who looks like a dead ringer for Vincent Pastore, a.k.a., "Big Pussy" on The Sopranos.

Following her defeat, Allen was forced to leave an L.A. loft where she and her fellow groomers were living called "The Doghouse." Reportedly, with her tail between her legs.

"I didn't want to be the first one to leave," sighed Allen after the show, adding, "Sometimes you're the dog, and sometimes you're the hydrant."

Allen never discloses during the show that she's a PR flack for AZ's corrupt, sadistic Sheriff Joe. But in her exit interview, she cops to her occupation.

"I am a media relations director for the Sheriff of Maricopa County in Phoenix," admitted the amateur puppy primper. "It’s a big job with a lot of stress and pressure. Grooming takes me to a different place – in the `zone' as I like to call it. All my other responsibilities vanish for a short time and I find some peace and relaxation…depending on the dog of course."

The producers may never have let Allen participate had they known about the MCSO's checkered history with man's best friend. In 2004, during a raid on an Ahwatukee home, MCSO SWAT shot tear gas canisters into the house, it caught fire, and when a poor, innocent puppy tried to escape, a SWAT team member chased the dog back into the house with a fire extinguisher blast. End result: fricasseed Fido.

You can read all about this case of MCSO cruelty towards critters in John Dougherty's piece, "Dog Day Afternoon."

Then there's the fact that the MCSO insisted on the arrest of Chandler cop Sgt. Thomas Lovejoy after Lovejoy forgot his police dog Bandit in his car on a hot day and the 5-year-old Belgian Malinois croaked. It's since been revealed that there have been similar dog deaths in MCSO custody, but those deaths were never investigated. Hmm...wonder why?

Strangely, Allen, 50, does talk about gettin' up there in age more than once.

"I'm growing old, and I'm fighting it every step of the way," she stated at one point during the show. During the exit interview she remarked about some twentysomething chick competitors, "The young girls were a little foreign to me as they appeared to be very self-absorbed and spoiled, but maybe I was too at their age … I can’t remember!"

There's a joke in there somewhere. Old dog, new tricks.

In any case, Allen certainly didn't dig being bagged on by the judges.

"Joey [Villani -- the Big Pussy-lookin' guy] irked me," she told the exit interviewer. "To say that I have no grooming ability based on the yarn dog was a real unkind remark, and could have damaged me professionally if any clients hear him say that and put any trust in his judgment. I do hope he didn’t insult any other contestants that way. I came to this show to have fun and have it boost my business. This guy potentially damaged mine with his remarks."

Allen works for Sheriff Joe and she's worried about her rep? Anyone catch the irony here?

Hey, at least she didn't set the yarn dog on fire.

Wakka-wakka.


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