Joe Arpaio writes another book, goes through a case of crayons in the process.

JOE.jpg
Is it just me, or does ol' prune-face here look like he needs some Gas-X?

Here's a reason to avoid the book stores in coming months, Maricopa County's egomaniacal despot Sheriff Joe Arpaio has a new book coming out with co-hagiographer Len Sherman in May, titled, Joe's Law: America's Toughest Sheriff Takes on Illegal Immigration, Drugs and Everything Else That Threatens America. Scottsdale scribe and perennial Joe-suckup Sherman also assisted our aged lawman in his 1996 tome, America's Toughest Sheriff: How We Can Win the War Against Crime. And like that earlier effort, this latest Arpaio-Sherman collaboration also promises to be a work of fiction. Especially, if one's to judge from the tool-puckering Joe gets in the Amazon.com description of the work:

Outspoken, no-nonsense, and eminently fascinating, Joseph M. Arpaio captured the public's imagination from his first day as sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, in 1992. He has become an icon, not only in his own state, but all over the world. For 15 years, he has maintained an unprecedented 80% approval rating. Famous for his "get smart and get tough" approach to jails, "Sheriff Joe," as he is universally known, conceived The Tent City Jail where he houses his inmates in surplus army tents left over from the Korean War. Known as the "Alcatraz of Arizona," the jail features chain gangs and stringent discipline. By eliminating all comforts for his inmates, he has managed to shave $500,000 annually from the cost of keeping prisoners. But he also offers a wide range of educa­tional and therapeutic courses for inmates. To his ardent followers, he is a hero for both his toughness on crime and his sense of humanity. While his opponents decry him for his iron-fisted approach, no one can deny that Sheriff Joe is one of the country's most respected elected officials. Joe's Law is an uncensored look by "America's Toughest Sheriff" at some of the most important and difficult issues facing America today. As the first law enforcement official in the country to arrest illegal immigrants, Arpaio tackles illegal immigration head on--how it intertwines with drug traffick­ing, taxes, and crime, and how it impacts health care and education as well. Arpaio offers innovative and fair ways to solve this dilemma and many others, not only in his own state but throughout the country.Compelling and courageous, this is a candid take on some of America's most pressing social prob­lems, and one man's revolutionary vision for eliminating them.

OK, you can all start vomiting now. Wonder if this was penned by Joe's sometimes MILFy flack Lisa Allen MacPherson? Just want to correct a few things here. First, the "unprecedented 80% approval rating": According to a Cronkite-Eight poll done in November of registered voters, "Sixty-one percent had a very positive (32 percent) or generally positive (29 percent) opinion of Sheriff Arpaio." That's a significant decrease from Arpaio's usual 80% approval rating over the years.

Second is this piece of javelina hockey: "By eliminating all comforts for his inmates, [Arpaio] has managed to shave $500,000 annually from the cost of keeping prisoners." Heh. $500,000 just happens to be the estimated cost of the MCSO investigation into the bogus "plot" against Arpaio's life, supposedly by immigrants rights activist Elias Bermudez, the Minutemen, and the Mexican mafia. The MCSO's Selective Enforcement Unit pursued this snipe hunt even after their confidential informant failed a key question in his polygraph test -- the question asking if he was telling the truth about this fairytale plot to off Joe. You can read about it all in my October post, "KEYSTONE KOPPERS: The skinny on the fake plot to whack Sheriff Joe Arpaio."

Also, if we're talking about the budget and saving the County moolah, you've got to take into account that Joe's mismanagement has cost the county at least $43.4 million in settlements from lawsuits against the MCSO. And Joe's currently running the MCSO deep in the red, having to cut OT, slash visitation hours for inmates and do away with some satellite facilities, all while he chases illegal immigrants to the detriment of actual crime fighting. Crime fighting? Hell, his top brass is too busy down in Honduras training Central American cops!

Thirdly, notice the dye-job Joe's got on the new cover? Compare it to the cover of the '96 book, when Joe's 'do was sportin' plenty of gray. The old codger must be as white as Santa's beard under all that 40-weight.

Finally, I was able to wrangle the following chapter titles from a top-secret source at Arpaio's publisher, which should give you a taste of what to expect from Joe's latest. This is an "exclusive," which you'll read only on the Feathered Bastard blog.

Chapter 1: Inmate Deaths and How to Make them Happen.

Chapter 2: $43.4 Million? Just the Cost of Doin' Business.

Chapter 3: Someone Has to Teach These Messcans a Lesson.

Chapter 4: Honduran for Beginners.

Chapter 5: Arresting Newspaper Editors for Fun and Profit.

Chapter 6: They Call It the "Selective Enforcement Unit" for a Reason.

Chapter 7: My Favorite Son-in-Law, the Arizona Republic's Phil Boas.

Chapter 8: Where I Stashed the Pink Underwear Money.

Chapter 9: What's My Name? No Really, I Forgot.

Chapter 10: Paris Hilton in Stripes, and Other Fantasies I've Had.



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