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Watson in better days...

The (alleged) salon bandit strikes again! Minus the hand-in-bag trick this time. Seems Joe Watson's reaching out for help from friends and family from behind the walls of Sheriff Joe's Lower Buckeye housing unit, asking for some help with scrilla 'cause he needs it to pay a mouthpiece. The message below was sent out today via his "Watsonelli" MySpace account. Hopefully, this is a sign he'll have something other than an overworked public defender to protect his ass in court.

I'm a little pissed because I visted Joe on Easter weekend, while they still had him in Durango jail, but he didn't want anything he said to be on the record. I was disappointed. I mean, the guy didn't have to cop to anything, just give me some quotes for the friggin' follow-up he knew I'd be writing. Selfish, I know. Still, he was once a reporter, and here he was clamming up. You can't be the press and not talk to the press, even if you end up in prison stripes.

So now he decides to piss and moan a bit in an attempt to raise some cash. I can't blame him. On the other hand, I'm not going to stop reporting on him. Whether he likes it or not, the guy's made some news. It's not like anyone put a gun to his head. Or even a hand in a paper bag.

Interestingly, when Watson was just booked, the Sheriff's office inmate information number, from which you can obtain details on the accused, had him down for five counts of armed robbery. But when you call the number now and plug in Joe's info., it only has him listed for one count. Don't know how significant that is. I have a call into the C.A.'s office, though, and I'll let you know when I know. Joe's next court date is May 24th in Mesa.

Of the people mentioned below, Josh Deahl is Ashlea Deahl's brother. Ashlea's another member of the Fourth Estate who refuses to chat with me. Currently, she's the managing editor of Phoenix magazine. Joe freelanced for them under the name "Zachary Best," while still working at New Times.

More to come on Joe's priors, his daughter and his exit from New Times in a later installment of the Watson saga. Follow the jump for the Joe charity letter.

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Come on, Newsaxonites, let's hug it out!

Well, seems the neo-Nazi numbnuts at Newsaxon.com, aka the racist MySpace, have blocked New Times' IP address from accessing their site ever since Wednesday, when I posted the item " Newsaxon.com, the neo-Nazi MySpace, with hot racist chicks galore." What, are the skinheads pissed by a little exposure? Do they know who Joseph Goebbles is? I betcha the Fuhrer's Propaganda Minister wouldn't have turned his nostrils up at some free pub back in the day.

Plus, haven't these fascist fuckwads heard about proxy sites? Hello! Every 6th grader worth his or her salt knows there are an ass-load of such browsers that allow you to surf the Web anonymously. To prove as much, I've culled a few more white power wenches from Newsaxon.com's loonybin litter. Sadly, none of the neo-Nazi honeys on Newsaxon.com are done up like Ilsa the She-Wolf, with shiny jackboots and whip in hand, but your imagination can provide the requisite accessories: Luger, swastika armband, SS cap, etc.

Thing is, these KKK kittens actually take this wack-ass white supremacist shit seriously. Quite depressing the more you think about it. In any case, here be some examples, with exerpts from their extremist postings. I posited this ethical dilemma to a Jewish pal of mine: If the price of getting with one of these bitches was donning a Brownshirt outfit, would you do it? His answer? Uh, prolly. Which tells you a lot about the male of the species in general, ladies.

FreyjasVengeance, 29-year-old Odinist from K/W Volkstaat, Canada. Turn offs? "Liars.
Miscegenation.Whites who act like white trash. [Editor's note: herself exempted, of course.]
Wiggers. Whites who claim that brazilians/portuguese/persians/east indians are also white. [Huh?]"

SKiN_GiRL_88, 18-year-old from Queens. Turn offs? "DRUGS
LACK 0F RESPECT B0TH SELF AND T0WARDS 0THERS. INTERRACIAL "RELATI0NSHIPS"
SUBHUMAN SCUM IN GENERAL." [Well, at least she's drug-free.]


Never12lose, a 20-year-old from Brentwood, California [read, rich bitch]. Favorite books: "Mein Kampf (of course), The Prince, The Divine Comedy, im reading the Antichrist and Will to Power is next on my list."

Idun28, 18-years-old, from Stockholm, Sweden. Turn ons: "White men with tattoos and piercings.Guys who can fix things. And know how to take care of a good woman." Turn offs: "Non-white ppl. Snob bitches.Guys who beat girls. Fucking cowards ! And ppl with no moral,cheating! [Someone must've broken her rancid little heart.] God damn stay true to ur partner and live for the 14 words."

Forgottensoul88: The face of hate never looked so cute.

White-trash pinheads who dig Adolf Hitler, swastikas, and worshippin' Wotan now have a place to let their fascist freak flags fly without worrying about what Zionists and race-mixers have to say. It's called Newsaxon.com, a racist MySpace, with nearly 2,000 members worldwide and growing. Whereas the real MySpace deletes the accounts of supremacist asswipes using its service, Newsaxon.com advertises itself as "An Online Community for Whites by Whites," so Blacks, Jews, Asians, and what have you need not apply. Only ubermenschen and uberfrauleins allowed.

Hate-mongering, ethnic slurs, and jokes that'd make Don Imus' toes curl are practically required on this bigot-friendly site. Fellow Newsaxonites wish each other well by posting messages such as "Have a white weekend," or the neo-Nazi shorthand of 14/88, which refers to the white-power slogan of imprisoned supremacist David Lane, "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for White children." (88 is code for HH, or Heil Hitler, as H is the eighth letter of the alphabet.) As you might expect, pics of der Fuhrer and other Nazis of yore abound, as do references to flicks like Romper Stomper and American History X. There's also praise for racist bands and performers such as Saga, Skrewdriver, and Prussian Blue, this last being the duo of Lynx and Lamb Gaede, the Olsen twins of the far-right.

I discovered the site while researching an item in this week's Bird column about former Mesa city-council candidate J.T. Ready who apparently has a page on the site under the handle Viking_Son. Ready, a regular at the Thursday-night anti-immigrant soirees over at Rusty Childress' Phoenix Kia dealership, lists his turn-ons as "A woman who loves our Race, Kultur, Heritage, History, and Future," and turn-offs as "Negativity" and "Race-Mixing." Race-mixing, or miscegenation, is universally condemned by all Newsaxonites. Which begs the question for white power doods: Who would you rather bone: Rosie O'Donnell or Beyonce? (For the ladies, Artie Lange or Denzel Washington?)

There's some pretty vile stuff on here, like polls asking if you believe the Holocaust is a hoax or not, and macabre cartoons and fake ads aimed at African-Americans and Latinos. Some of the real ads are just as disturbing, like a banner for the Knights of the Klu Klux Klan featuring burning crosses; a seller of racist flags and pins named 14/88, featuring the death's head symbol of the SS; and one that says "Buy White: Support White People" -- sort of a prejudiced public service announcement.

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New butt-buddy to the 9/11 moonbats? Um, not yet, anyway...

It's been a while since I've heard from my ol' pal Sander Hicks, who has the distinction of being one of the more intelligent and (generally) reasonable 9/11 troofers that I met at the Chandler 9/11 Accountability Conference, though I still think he's full of shite, as the Brits say, when it comes to most of the chin-music the fella's playing on the subject of 9/11 conspiracy theories. Sander did come to my defense when wackier elements in the 9/11 movement tried to personally malign me, so I owe him one on that count. He also sent me a copy of ex-Lyndon LaRouche-ite Webster Tarpley's book 9/11 Synthetic Terror, because he wants me to see the light and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. As of the moment, it's on the to-read list.

This Monday morning, I had just finished perusing a Sunday New York Times article "In Brooklyn, Hipsters Sip Fair Trade Brews," which references Sander's VoxPop bookstore/coffee shop in Brooklyn as an example of one which sells "fair-trade" coffee, ethical roasts made from beans the Juan Valdezes of the world are supposedly paid fairly to pick. While you're enjoying your more-moral- than-thou java at VoxPop, you can take in a one-man play about Karl Marx, listen to some open-mike spoken word, or discuss radical politics with a fellow beret-wearer. Sounds cool enough, I reckon. I bet they even sell postcards of Che Guevara and Leon Trotsky! Anyway, glad to see Sander made the local rag.

Then, of all the coinkydinks, I receive an e-mail from Sander with the following message, implying that the junior Senator from Massachusetts had gone as screwy as Rosie O'Donnell on The View: "Wow, this is pretty huge, because Kerry is a conservative Dem." Following it was a link to Alex Jones' Prisonplanet.com and the text of an article from same announcing that,

At a recent speaking engagement in Austin Texas, Senator John Kerry responded to a question about WTC Building 7 by concluding that according to his information, the building was brought down as a result of a controlled demolition, directly contradicting the official line that the structure fell as a result of fire and debris damage.

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Jeez, J.D., eat something for Chrissakes, you look like an ofay Star Jones!

I was monitoring Barry "Gee, I wish I was still" Young this morn on KFYI 550 AM, and I heard a familiar Foghorn Leghorn type-a voice, and soon realized it was my old bud from NC, the former Congressman from Zona CD 5, J.D. Hayworth (both Hayworth and I hail from Tar Heelia, originally). Hayworth and the Not-so Young Frankenstein were jawbonin' somethin' furious about KFYI afternoon jock Joe Crummey being "assassinated" by KFYI, and I soon learned the two were yukkin' it up about Hayworth replacing Crummey in the afternoons. Sure enough, when I checked out KFYI's Web site, it had a post-gastric-bypass Star Jones-lookin' pic of J.D. in front of a mic, with the warning that he'll be on air blowin' hot air beginning this Thursday 4/26 from 4-7p.m.

Don't know why Crummey got canned, as he was generally considered popular. Could it have had a little to do with the fact that Crummey did his P-town-related show from California's San Fernando Valley, out of the studio in his home there? Seems this was one of those poorly-kept secrets that got a bit more pub than usual of late in the New York Times and elsewhere. But if J.D.'s coming on board as of Thursday, this has likely been in the works for a while. Maybe that's why Crummey let journo Jennifer Steinhauer into his Cali home/studio. If he knew he was headed for the gallows at KFYI, why not scare up some free press on what a smart dood he is, foolin' them shitkickers in PHX.

Of course, KFYI was in on it, so blame them for Crummey's faux Phoenix existence, if you blame anyone. Personally, I never listened to Crummey, and I doubt I'll be listening to J.D. much, unless he has me on, in which case I'll forever talk about it. (Hint, hint, J.D.) I'm cheap like that, but not as cheap as Crummey who admits in the Steinhauer article that his politics have changed with the times and the rise of right-wing radio, which gave The Crummey One job security. Well, sort of, depending on what the backstory is to this change in KFYI's afternoon slot. Calls to KFYI were not immediately returned.

Now if they could only lose alter kocker Barry "Hell, no, I ain't" Young, KFYI might have something going on there...

Let it all hang out: Rusty's pic labeled "Jamaica Hedonism."

Prejudiced playboy Rusty Childress is one complex fella. Every Thursday he welcomes fellow wackjobs to his anti-Mexican fiestas, like the ones described in this week's Bird column, the item titled "Bigot Bash." The putative Republican (if you judge him by the right-wing company he keeps) leads these whiny white-boy bitch-fests, where anti-Hispanic douchebags and douchebaguettes watch flicks about the brown tide, trade DVDs about the diseases immigrants bring into the county, and listen to visiting speakers such as Dumbass Don Goldwater or Russell "White Pride" Pearce.

But there's another side to Rusty, a ribald, fun-lovin', spoiled-rich-kid side to him revealed in his Web site http://www.rustychildress.com/, where you can hit a link for Rusty's anti-immigrant organization United for a Sovereign America. Or you can check out Rusty's World, which features a bio of the great man, a list of his awards, and pics of Rusty doing everything from partying at Mardi Gras with chicks flashing their punanis, their chi-chis and their lovely lady humps to Rusty hangin' with a half-nude babe at "Jamaica Hedonism," which seems to refer to that island nation's decadent Hedonism resorts, where supposedly anything goes. Not having enjoyed the bawdy delights of Hedonism myself, I have to rely on the Wikipedia entry, which reads in part:

Hedonism II and Hedonism III are vacation resorts in Jamaica, operated by the company Superclubs. Hedonism II was opened in 1976 in Negril, Hedonism III followed in 1999 in Ocho Rios; there is no Hedonism I. Both resorts have areas reserved for naturism/nudism. They are well-known for the liberal sexual, drug, and alcohol attitudes of the guests. No children are allowed...The Hedonism resorts also host various nudist and swingers conventions, and the properties boast more repeat patrons than any other resort in the world

Now, maybe Rusty mislabeled the photo, and was only referring to the generic hedonism he was enjoying in the pic while standing next to some hot topless wench. I'm sure that even if Rusty did go to one of the Hedonism resorts he would certainly spend all of his time studying the Bible instead of romping in sinful pools of willing, jiggling flesh. But then, there are the Mardi Gras snaps, which are even more indecent. Why, there are jpegs of girls gone wild, revealing to all and sundry their naughty bits both upper and lower. Yes, ladies and gents, know that when you purchase a new Kia or a used Buick at Childress' auto mall, some of your scrilla is going to pay for Rusty's debauched vacays.

Rusty's big adventure, partying in the Yucatan: Is the irony obvious enough for ya?

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Amparo's birthday suit: boots, gloves, hat, and little else. (photo by Bala Raman)

Tuesday's beauty is the limber and lovely Amparo Elizabeth, who hails from Honduras originally, but was raised in the Zona and has been modeling since age nine. This exotic enchantress boasts Spanish blood, her first name meaning "protection" in her native tongue. Unraveled, her brownish-blond hair falls to her waist, and Lord what we wouldn't give to be lost in those inviting, silken tresses.

No wonder John Cusack once cast a lustful eye in the direction of PHX's Queen Elizabeth. Seems the Being John Malkovich star was on a media junket for the 2005 flick Ice Harvest at the time, and Amparo was helping her film critic boyfriend produce a segment for his radio show. Sparks flew, even though, unbeknownst to Cusack, Amparo's boyfriend was in the room.

"He was totally hitting on me," confides the enchanting Amparo with a laugh. "And I've always had a crush on him, so it was kind of hard. He asked me what I was doing later, and if I'd like to have a drink with him. If my boyfriend hadn't been there, I would totally have justified it by saying, `Hey, it's just a drink. Come on.' I still tease him about it. I tell him, `I turned down John Cusack for you.'"

Indeed, her man of four years best mind his Ps and Qs if he wants to remain with this sultry succubus. Amparo admits, "I still look. I'm not married. I've never known anything to last forever, so I'm always keeping my options open." Shy, quiet and smart is what she digs in a dood. "I think that the guys I like are always afraid of me," she says.

Homegirl's got a brain of her own: She graduated from ASU with a B.A. in poli sci, earned while on a full scholarship to the university. Currently she works at a local real estate development firm in addition to the modeling. You can see more of her at www.amparoelizabeth.com, or this Saturday, April 21 at the Frock 'n' Roll Fashion Show at Alice Cooperstown, sponsored by Christopher Cashak's CASHAK TV. There Amparo'll be wearing the fashions of local designers in order to raise money for charity.

Barry "Naw, I aint" Young, KFYI's pie-faced horse's patootie.

Anyone who's ever read stroke-mag Hustler knows of a feature called "Asshole of the Month," wherein politicians, ideologues and media types are skewered. I'm thinking of starting a version called "PHX A-hole of the Week," to honor P-town butt-holes deserving of the stanky title. This week's turd-factory is crusty KFYI blowhard Barry Young, aka, "Ankkkarlo's AM Shadow," because old-fart Young is the geriatric, near-death specter that will always follow in fellow wing-nut and KTAR host Darrell Ankarlo's wake.

I rarely listen to this heart-attack waiting to happen, but I happened to tune in this morning because I'd heard Jarrett Maupin was going to be on Young's program, and I wanted to hear the give-and-take. Anyway, either I was mistaken about Maupin being on or I missed him or they dropped him for some reason, because when I set the dial for 550 AM, Young and his bitchy, bitter co-host (I don't know her name, and oddly, neither did anyone at Clear Channel when I called.) were discussing the recent massacre of 32 students by 23-year-old fellow student Cho Seung-Hui, who offed himself after his bloody rampage.

The South Korean native apparently committed the mass killings with two handguns, and instead of wondering if maybe guns are maybe a little too readily available in our society, right-wing moon-howlers like Young are suggesting that this tragedy argues we need more guns. Why, if everyone was packin' on this campus, then surely someone would've plugged Cho's ass before he wiped out 32 lives and his own? Hmmm. Well, there are plenty of weapons in Iraq, but that doesn't make our boys in uniform any safer over there, does it? I'm no advocate against the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, but I do know this kind of thing doesn't happen quite as often over in England or the Continent, where guns are harder to come by.

Young's point in this regard was pretty ordinary for an NRA-smoocher. More outrageous was his contention that the Virginia Tech students were responsible for their own murders. Young asserts, essentially, that the students were all a bunch of weenies, and they should have risen up and kicked Cho's keister even if a couple of them had to die in the process.

"They allowed themselves to be shot one at a time," spat Young at one point. And at another, he muses, "You gotta wonder why people would just stand there and be slaughtered."

Easy shit to say when you're safe behind your microphone, and when no one you know and loved was killed. Adding another even more obscene twist on the commentary was Young's loser female sidekick, who suggested the students didn't fight back because they'd been somehow Europeanized by their liberal college experience. So if this nasty old crone -- I'm guessing at that, because she sounded aged, at least -- is ever a victim of an assault of some kind, would it be fair of me to say it's 'cause she's a mean ol' hag and deserves what she gets? Not that I'd ever wish being assaulted or murdered on anyone, but the diatribes of Young and Witch Hazel remind me of those sick arguments that rape victims sometime "deserve" their fates.

Take a good look at Burl Ives-lookalike Young at KFYI's site: http://www.kfyi.com/pages/barry_young.html?feed=119587&article=359580. I don't care if this guy was carrying a rod, he'd still get himself pistol-whipped in a carjacking or whatever. What an idiot, a moron, a sphincter-esque brown-eyed bum. And one very worthy of the appelation, "A-hole of the Week."

Steve Haworth, Jr. (left) with his dad, fetish king Steve Haworth, Sr. (right).

UPDATE: MEMORIAL SERVICES FOR STEVEN ARTHUR HAWORTH, JR. WILL BE THIS SATURDAY APRIL 21, 1:30 PM AT LINCOLN HEIGHTS CHRISTIAN CHURCH 2121 EAST LINCOLN DRIVE, PHOENIX, AZ 85016
FOR MORE INFO., PLEASE CHECK HAWORTH'S MYSPACE MEMORIAL PAGE AT
www.myspace.com/stevenjrmemorial.

The AZ fetish community's reeling from the news of Steve Haworth, Jr.'s tragic death Wed. night in an auto accident, when his car rolled as he was attempting to pass a truck at 16th Street and Glenrosa Ave in Phoenix. Haworth, 18, was the son of world-renowned PHX body-modification guru Steve Haworth, Sr. Word is Haworth, Jr.'s Datsun struck a tree after he lost control, and he expired from head trauma and loss of blood. He was working delivery for Pizza Hut at the time, reportedly to save money to go to college.

Haworth, Sr. and his life partner Cookie, Prez of the Pussy Posse performance-art troupe, are in mourning, but Cookie's posted a statement to her myspace page saying that memorial arrangements are in the works, with a tentative date of April 21 at 1:30 p.m. A venue was not listed, but you can inquire further with Cookie directly through one of these e-mails, cookie@azfetishball.com or contact@stevehaworth.com. There's also a benefit show scheduled for May 11 at The Sets, with Sin Machine, My Darling Murder, and Ikonoklast playing. Any funds raised that are not needed for funeral expenses will be donated to a local charity.

Haworth, Sr. is a co-founder of Horns 'n' Halos, which puts on Phoenix's fetish ball, and also a co-founder of Lifesuspended, the group that suspends people from flesh hooks inserted into their backs. His son was well-known in fetish circles as well. 18 is way too young, obviously. My condolences go out to Steve and Cookie on their loss.

FYI: Steve's myspace page is http://www.myspace.com/modify.

One of Imus' old albums being sold on eBay: Pretty much says it all...

***UPDATE: Since the posting of this commentary, the Associated Press has reported that CBS radio has fired Don Imus, this coming on the heels of MSNBC's suspension of their simulcast of his show. This is the triumph of political correctness at its worst, and a chilling signal to broadcasters and entertainers. Read more in next week's Bird column about the controversy, and my stand against this b.s.***

Though I'm a great admirer of Phoenix mayoral contender Rev. Jarrett Maupin, President of the AZ chapter of Al Sharpton's National Action Network, and though I do believe that despite his age he would be a vast improvement over PHX Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon if elected, I part ways with him on the subject of political correctness. I don't care if it's the controversy over Michael "Kramer" Richards and the N-word or the suspension of geriatric shock-jock Don Imus for his off-color comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Back in December, I ridiculed the idea that we should ban comics from saying the N-word on stage, a form of censorship that Maupin seemed to agree with, even though he claimed he was against censorship.

"If it's not okay for Michael Richards to use that word, it's not okay for anybody to use that word," Maupin said then."It's time for us to say that word's not good for anyone to use when describing our people. And we won't allow ourselves to use it."

Personally, I don't think Richards should have apologized for using the N-word, any more than Damon Wayans or Chris Rock or Tracy Morgan or Dave Chappelle should apologize for using that racial expletive over and over and over again in their routines. Richards' primary sin was not being funny in a comedy club. If he'd been funny (admittedly a hard task for an ofay spouting that sort of slur), there would have been no controversy, since presumably blacks would've been laughing right along with everybody else. Thing is, Richards bites at stand-up. And that's why his diatribe fell as flat as a white girl's fanny.

Now here comes Don Imus, who with that hair of his, looks like he should be playing some geezer wizard in the next Harry Potter flick. Imus' schtick as a shock-jock is that he insults everybody. Anybody remember when Imus roasted then-Prez Bill Clinton at the Gridiron Club's annual hoo-ha back in '96? He sucked donkey, people. The old fart's cornered the market on being insulting without being funny. So I'm sure he felt blindsided when the furor erupted over his "nappy-headed 'hos" remark. He's probably thinking, "Jeez, haven't they noticed? This is what I do for a living!"

Well, who doesn't? A shirt being sold by romperstompertees.

Maupin's boss Al Sharpton's indignant. He wants Imus' helmet-haired head on his wall. And he practically got it while administering the verbal hot-lead enema to Imus on Sharpton's radio show. This is the kind of controversy Sharpton loves. Who even knew the guy had a radio show? With Imus on, and all the cameras rolling, his ratings for that one day must've been through the roof. Can't see Maupin bucking Sharpton on this one, even though I know Maupin listens to hip-hop, and hip-hop is quite often un-PC and raunchy. Not that I blame him. I listen to it too, and love it.

"I think it's absolutely appropriate," responded Maupin when asked of Imus being dropped from MSNBC. "I joined Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson from the very beginning, saying that they needed to remove Don Imus from the airwaves. But it's not enough, we're going to have to work very hard to make sure that we clean up the American media. I in no way mean censorship. But we're going to have to make sure that we have diversity in the editorial room, diversity in the programming room. And I think that this will be the incident that gives us the justification to do so.

"But I also think, in response to what Mr. Imus has said, that there are too many rappers and people in the hip-hop community that have been giving us an excuse or a reason to use words like `nappy-headed 'hos' or "nigga' or other words like that. And I don't think we can wait on corporate America to wash our rappers' mouths with soap. That's something we must do for ourselves."

Despite his statements to the contrary, what Maupin is talking about is essentially censorship. When you ask that a comic, or a shock-jock, or a rapper be banned or boycotted because you're pissed-off by something they've said, that's censorship. Like a lot of liberals, Maupin believes in having PC codes in the entertainment industry and elsewhere, and I find that completely ludicrous and contrary to the freedom of speech we enjoy in this country. Everyone's offended by something. If we start restricting the culture based on that, there'll be nothing left but pabulum.

What do you do if you're ticked by something Imus spits into his mike? Call him a dumb cracker. That's what he is. Combat speech with speech. What should Imus have done in the wake of this controversy? I agree with Howard Stern when he said Imus should've told 'em it's an effin' joke, grow up! This apology shit is for the birds. It just further empowers those who would make themselves our PC thought-police. I'm not talking about what's said in polite society here. We're talking about entertainers, comics, MCs, and dare I say it -- columnists -- who are paid to be edgy, challenging, controversial, and sometimes, absolutely outrageous. Would you really want to live in a society, where every utterance is monitored for political correctness? I certainly don't.

One of the few ribbons in town Phil Gordon hasn't cut...

With a handful of reporters and supporters looking on, mayoral hopeful Rev. Jarrett Maupin, the boy-wonder of PHX politics, cut the ribbon on his new campaign office downtown today, promising to "kick Phil's butt in this election," and taking potshots at Mayor Phil Gordon's status as a Democrat in Name Only (DiNO).

"You know in the New Times they wrote that Phil Gordon opened his office in an old transsexual bar," declared Maupin, referring to last week's Bird column on the subject. "I'm not saying that he's a transsexual, but I am saying that he's transpolitical. He's an elephant running around in donkey clothes. And I'm here to tell you I'm a new wind blowing through the city. I'm the wind that's got the skirt up around his head, and we can tell from the waist down that he's a pachyderm."

Is Maupin saying Phil's hung like an elephant? (Um, only if that elephant's a gelding.) Anyway, Maupin posed for a few pics with family and campaign workers, then made his way inside his modest "War Room" at 130 North Central Ave. (Suite B), right beside the offices for Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network, where Maupin is the Arizona chapter prez. Surrounded by photos of civil rights leaders and yellow and maroon campaign signs, Maupin fielded questions from journos, saying he agreed with MSNBC dropping its simulcast of shock-jock Don Imus's radio show -- something Maupin's boss Al Sharpton's been pushing for -- while agreeing with Imus that African-American hip-hop stars use similar language, which he also believes is wrong. More on this later from me, as it's one of the few issues where I part company with the Rev.

Maupin agreed that both his race and his age might be "a challenge" for some voters, but seemed confident that he could overcome such concerns on the sheer power of personality, and by "going door to door" to meet the voters. He insisted that neither his age nor his race should be held against him, and assured reporters he could win, despite lacking the near-million-dollar war chest Goober Gordon claims.

"I want Phil to know that the people's David is in the race, and we're going to take that Philistine giant down," asserted Maupin with a smile. "It doesn't matter if Mr. Gordon is a millionaire and has millions of dollars to run his campaign. This campaign is not about money. This campaign is about issues. And that's what I represent, the issues, and the diverse communities of our city. And I think that will be reflected throughout the course of this race. We have the manpower, the resources available to wage a nontraditional campaign but an effective campaign."

Maupin challenged Gordon to debates, and assailed Gordon on stagnant crime stats, while rejecting a proposed sales tax to pay for more cops, saying there were other ways of getting the money necessary to put more police on the streets. Asked if citizens should be concerned by his close relationship with the iconoclastic, and some would say, divisive Rev. Al Sharpton, he stated that his relationship with Sharpton shouldn't frighten people.

"I come in a strong tradition of social justice leadership," replied Maupin. "Will it impact the way that I govern from the mayor's office with my peers on the council, because really the mayor's seat is an at-large council seat? No, I don't think it will. I'm not going to make my first day in office Al Sharpton Day, and I'm not going to cut half the city budget and turn it over to (Jesse Jackson's) Rainbow/PUSH Coalition."

For more on Maupin, check out his website at http://www.gojarrettgo.com/, and read New Times reporter Jimmy Magahern's 2005 cover story on Maupin, titled "Kid Sharpton."

Two clowns flippin' you the bird...

Beetlejuice mobbed by fans at the Clubhouse...

So the Killers of Comedy from the Howard Stern Show were in Tempe at the Clubhouse Music Venue this past Saturday, and I had to make the scene to see my two favorite Stern show regs: the black, mentally challenged dwarf known as Beetlejuice, and Yucko the Clown, a Big Top Lenny Bruce whose un-PC wisecrackery has been featured on Stern and on MTV's short-lived Stankervision: starring Roger Black as Yucko, and Black's writing/performing partner Waco O'Guin.

As I suspected, the best parts of the show consisted of Yucko in his crusty clown getup opening the set, and Beetlejuice ending the set by eating blue cheese out of the asses of two willing Tempe hotties, with the Rev. Bob Levy egging on Beetle to nosh out. Levy was somewhat amusing, but after a while, it seemed like every joke had to do with him popping a load. This bald comic Shuli, whose banal signature is saying "Shalom!" to the audience, was pretty fucking boring. And Sal the Stockbroker, though a favorite with the club attendees, did little but spout cheap frat-boy racial humor. Really, really dumb stuff.

I was glad I got to see Beetlejuice and Yucko, being huge fans of both, but I was disappointed Yucko opened the set and only did about 15 minutes. According to Roger Black -- Yucko minus the greasepaint, the "Killers" switch off on who opens, and Yucko got the short straw this time 'round. Actually, I felt like I got the short straw, but the cracker-white goofball crowd seemed to be feelin' most of it, especially Levy's appearance and Beetlejuice's date with some gooey buttcrack. So maybe the Killers know their target audience better than I do.

After the show, Beetlejuice was mobbed for autographs, proving who was the real star in the room. I told Yucko, who was also nearby taking pics with fans, that only in America can you be a retarded Gary Coleman and end up being this loved and appreciated. God bless Howard Stern!

After the show, Beetlejuice and Yucko (sans Bozo vestments) headed over to Shayna's, on Scottsdale Road right next to Jenna Jameson's stripclub Babe's. It doesn't suck to be either Roger Black (Yucko) or Beetle. Both were getting beaucoup free drinks and shots from fans. While Beetle was being loved-up by these spikey-haired Scottsdale yahoos who otherwise have probably never spoken to an African-American in their lives, I hung with Black for a bit, and he told me he'd be in town for the remainder of the week visiting his girlfriend Nicole's family in Mesa. You can read how they met in the interview below, which I did with Yucko prior to his appearance.

The Yucko/Beetle crew soon made a bee-line for Babe's, and though I was tempted to go watch Beetle get earmuffed by stripper bolt-ons, I didn't think it was worth the $10 cover at the door, so I bid adieu to Black and Beetle and headed back to Shayna's (formerly the Cat Eye Lounge) to ogle hot chicks with tattoos.

BTW, Yucko's CD The Damn Show Volume 2 is on sale at http://damnshow.com/, and it includes a segment shot in Scottsdale! For real. Also, check out this new site from Turner Broadcasting that Yucko and Waco are writing for: http://www.superdeluxe.com/ Funny shit. Beetlejuice's site is http://www.jollydwarf.com/.

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Go, Jarrett, go: Whip Phil's flabby white keister...

The word's out: The Reverend Jarrett Maupin II will be a contender in the Phoenix 2007 mayoral race in a bid to unseat Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon. A formal announcement will come sometime this week, but already the prez of the Arizona Chapter of Al Sharpton's National Action Network has taken out the paperwork at city hall necessary to toss his chapeau into the ring. In addition, Maupin's campaign website http://www.gojarrettgo.com/ is up and running. During a visit to my office in the past few days, he attacked Gordon's lack of leadership on crime, social justice, immigration and fighting for small businesses, and challenged Goober Gordon to a series of debates on the direction of the city.

"If I'm really this young upstart Phil thinks I am, then he has nothing to be worried about," grinned Maupin, whose verbal skills easily outgun those of our milquetoast mayor. "Once we're in a debate, it's a whole different ball game, especially if we're allowed to ask questions of each other."

Can Maupin mount a significant challenge to Goober? Absolutely. Gordon's an incredibly unimpressive figure, the sort of schlub who should be a mid-level manager in a mortgage firm, not the leader of the 5th largest city in America. Other than playing Mayor Scissorhands, and cutting every ribbon at every photo op available in this burg, he's done nothing but represent the PHX's fat cat developers and real estate moguls. And they're rewarding him by financing his campaign. According to a recent Phoenix Business Journal article, of the over $655K Phil's PAC has raised, much of it comes from real estate interests. For four years, Phil's played cheerleader for these moneyed muck-a-mucks, and now their checkbooks are wide open for him.

But while Phil's been on his knees blowing the real estate industry, he's effectively dodged issues like immigration and crime, so that Phoenix is now listed as the 59th most dangerous city in America, higher even than New York City in violent crimes per 100,000 persons. Arizona itself has risen to the third most dangerous state in the nation according to Morgan Quitno Press, up from fourth last year. And as the head of AZ's most populous city, Gordon bears much of the responsibility for that increase in AZ violence. He's done nothing while in power to seriously address the issue, other than hand out front porch benches as part of a piddly attempt to get people to watch out for crime.

A Maupin candidacy is a direct threat to Goober Gordon's Democratic base in this nonpartisan donnybrook, though I hope "the Rev," as folks refer to the brash, youthful Maupin, points out that Gordon is a "DiNO," a Democrat in name only. Gordon will also be challenged by Steve Lory, owner of Blaze Nightclub. So even though Goober has more moolah for the moment, he could be kicked to the curb in a three-way clash (four-way if you count dark horse contender Tim Coomer).

Currently a Phoenix Union School Board member, Maupin brings vision, passion, and actual charisma to the table. He may be young (19 at present), but when you speak to him, you feel like you're talking to man of 35 or 40. The guy's got more stature and gravitas in his pinkie than Goober Gordon's got in his whole pathetic, nebbishy frame. I know some folks will flip when they hear his age. But I have no doubt that if Maupin can goad Goober into a debate, he'll tear Phil a new a-hole.

Maupin's candidacy is historic in many respects. He would be PHX's first mayor of color, and the youngest ever. But I like him because unlike Phil, he has presence. Plus, he would stand for something other than mindlessly rah-rah-ing the city's developers, which is how pipsqueak Phil spends his time. It's time for Phil to go. And now with Lory and Maupin in the race, there's finally a chance to send our joke of a mayor packing.

The spooky-sexy Sister Kenyattasaurus Rex...

Okay, so last week, I told you we were flippin' the script to Thump Day Diva from Hump Day Honey, and now I'm adding a Friday Femme Fatale, what gives? Jeez, people, I have other stuff to do too, so Monday Mammas and Tuesday Tarts can't be far behind. And what do you care as long as I provide you horndogs with at least one lovely lass per week to salivate over?

This week's felicitous Friday femmebot is torn from the pages of New Times music editor Niki D'Andrea's kick-ass cover story on the impious PHX punk rockers of NunZilla, whose members tear-up the stage in Catholic nun getups, or in the case of the one male member, a priest's collar. Niki showed me some pics from the photo shoot, and I instantly fell for sexy Sister Kenyattasaurus Rex, who makes me want to get down on my knees and pray like I've never prayed before.

The hella-fine Kenyatta is one booful bass player and a voluptuous vocalist who grew up listening to Metallica and Slayer, and has done stints with local punk bands the Cryin' Shames and the Dropouts. Born in Flynt, MI, and raised in the Zona, Kenyatta's a career counselor by day. By night, she's a larger-than-life stage-siren with luxurious, brown-black hair falling forth from her nun's habit, and a slit up her skirt so high it'll make you see Jesus. Thankfully for the male of the species, Kenyatta's divorce became final a couple of days ago, but take it slow, schmos! Kenyatta says she's not in dating mode yet, though she doesn't mind being admired for her pulchridtude during her profane performances.

"I love being dressed up for shows," the Tecate-lovin' temptress tells me. "And as far as music goes, the harder, the faster, the better."

If you long to see Kenyatta in the flesh, and worship her womanly form, NunZilla'll be performing at the Zombie Ball this Saturday night at The Sets in Tempe. And May 5, they'll be celebrating the release of their CD Killing Faith at the Casablanca Lounge. For additional info. on NunZilla, and to peep more of the comely Kenyatta, check out NunZilla's myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/nunzillacomes.

NunZilla comes? Now that's nasty, people...

That ain't Monopoly money Phil's playin' with...

In case you have any doubts whom Mayor Phil Gordon really represents, check this under-the-radar March 2 story by the Phoenix Business Journal titled "Developers bankrolling Gordon's re-election campaign." Gordon's Phil for Phoenix PAC has raised over $655K according to the article, and thousands of that are coming from real estate moguls and corporations. Check this quote:

Some of the real estate contributors to Gordon include:

Other campaign donors include executives from John F. Long & Co., Pulte Homes, SunCor Development, Turner Construction, Robson Communities, Vestar Development, Westcor, Arizona Land Advisors and Kitchell Corp.

Gordon is a DiNO, a Democrat in Name Only. A Dem that kisses up to our wing-nut County Attorney Candy Thomas, and bends over for every developer in town with a checkbook. With a Dem like Goober Gordon, who needs Republicans?

In any other big city, a pol with his hand out like this would be run out of town on a light rail. (Get it?) This report reeks of corruption. The mayor should represent all of Phoenix, not just fat cat developers seeking to line their pockets at the public trough.

Here's my new mantra with all of my Goober-related stories: It's time for Phil to go.