Blogs

Protector of sheep, punisher of poor illegal immigrants...

Is it any coincidence that on the same day the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office makes headlines for releasing an illegal immigrant from jail who's suspected of subsequently murdering someone, Nickel-Bag Joe Arpaio announces he's going to have his deputies bust illegal immigrants on routine traffic stops? Well, shucks, maybe it is a coinkydink, but it's a funny one, and it shows how our illustrious lawman consistently misses the big pic while patting himself on the back for going after the easy collar and regaling the public with bread and circuses, like his retarded Inmate Idle competition. See, now that Arpaio's deps have been trained by ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) every Hispanic man or woman they stop can be suspected of being illegal. Racial profiling? Sure. Petty as hell? You bet. But then, Arpaio's no great supporter of the U.S. Constitution. Why, he repeatedly violates the Constitutional rights of his inmates, the general public, and the press -- including this paper. Heck, I couldn't even get a callback from one of the Sheriff's lackeys on this issue if I wanted, all because the Sheriff's office refuses to deal with New Times. Seems we ask a lot of pesky questions and bother them with all types of records requests. They don't have time for that hooey! They're too busy stopping Pedro for suspicion of being illegal 'cause he's got a truck full of rakes and other garden implements.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Joke's deps release Ruben Perez Rivera into ICE's custody despite the fact that he was indicted later the same day on kidnapping charges. ICE deports him 'cause he's illegal, and he slips back in the country and allegedly stabs his cousin to death. To be fair, several players in the legal system bear some responsibility for Rivera's release. But the entire debacle does illustrate that while the Joke-man has his eye on harassing generally law-abiding undocumented individuals during traffic stops, a far more dangerous thug slips through Joke's fingers. Tough on crime our Sheriff Joke is, as long as the crimes involved are penny-ante. But we all know it's not about stopping even penny-ante crime. It's about intimidating Phoenix's Mexican population, keeping them cowed, and forever looking over their shoulders while they labor at jobs that Americans have hired them to do. The only way to trump the efforts of the likes of Nickel-Bag Joe is with federal law; i.e., comprehensive immigration reform, such as the type Congressman Jeff Flake has recently introduced into the House of Representatives. Only then will Joe have to content himself with making sure he doesn't mistakenly release hard-core criminals -- you know, basically doing his job?

Riana

Songstress-siren Riana, the sort of pale beauty of which the poets sing...

With her almond eyes, raven tresses and a complexion stolen from the winter moon, PHX songstress Riana Riggs of bands Edison Gem and Runaway Diamonds is like one of those pale sirens Lord Byron wrote of years ago. Indeed, Byron might as well have penned these lines about her:

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies

Riana's mom hails from Buenos Aires, and Argentines have noted Riana has an Argentine shape to her face and peepers. Sometimes she adds black eyeliner for an almost Egyptian effect. A bit of a fashion plate, with a taste for vintage clothing from several eras, there's always something exotic and striking about her. Her fave places to hang are the Bikini Lounge, Fate, Welcome Diner, Fez, and the boho eatery Carly's, where she works as a waitress and cook.

She boasts a lovely voice as well, and you can experience it in the month of April at two venues. The first's GLAM, where the Runaway Diamonds will be having their CD release party Saturday April 7 for the album Gods Mom and Her Turquoise Chow Chow. Also, her Goldfrapp-esque electro band Edison Gem will be performing at the Phoenix Pride Festival on April 14.

Expect great things of this Phoenix beauty, with her charm, talent and captivating appearance. Take a look at her self-portrait above: Isn't it easy to imagine it on an album, or maybe even the cover of Rolling Stone?

The curvaceous Shelly, aka DJ ///she///...

Droogs Necro and Jules at the Sadisco Milk Bar...

Cue Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, me droogies, I've just now found time to post these pics from A Clockwork Sadisco, the A Clockwork Orange -themed soiree thrown on a recent Saturday by those genius industrial/EBM whores of Club Sadisco. If you haven't experienced a Sadisco, then you're missing the closest thing in P-town to Gotham's Party Monster scene of the early '90s. Founders Donnie Burbank (Dr. Fucker) and Toby Heidebrink (DJ Squalor) organize these decadent, demimonde freeforalls, which occur at least on a monthly basis at revolving venues including Jugheads, Shayna's, and so on. Themes have included WWIII Sadisco, Fear and Loathing Sadisco, Crime Lab Absinthium, Serial Killers Convention, and the infamous Fight Club Sadisco, with actual bloody bare-knuckle brawling.

The alluring Anya, one of the most attractive women in Phoenix...

A Clockwork Sadisco was actually the brain child of Sadiscoite Jen "Lady Ditch" Lux, who designed and organized much of the outrageous evening, which featured a genuine milk bar like the one Malcolm McDowell's character in the Kubrick flick visits with his three droogs; thrashing industrial beats from various acts; erotic photography by Joi Carey; folks dressed up in bowler hats and white suspenders, like the ultra-violent ne'er-do-wells of the film; door prizes of ceramic white phalli; Kubrick's film itself playing over the bar in closed caption; and, inexplicably, a giant white rabbit with Easter baskets in which small stuffed bunnies had offed themselves in a number of ways -- hanging, power saw, razor blades, etc.

On hand at the Sadistic Disco were the gorgeous Shelly, aka, DJ ///she///, dressed in a form-fitting '60s-style dress, photographer Dayvid LeMmon with his hella-cute gal-pal Colleen, DJ Blonde NOize looking abfab in orange hair, the booful Anya, and too many others to mention here.

Photog Dayvid LeMmon with the fair Colleen...

The next Sadisco is 4/21 at Shayna's (2017 N. Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale), and is titled "Sadisco in the Land of Mistreated Sex Toys," so prepare yourselves for loads of raunch (21+ only). Also, Sadisco'll be hosting Norwegian aggrotech group Combichrist in August, so buy those tickets now, and as the Sadiscoites say, don't not be there.

PS: Just found out the bunny's name, I feel like Donnie Darko! His name is Amorpheous, and here's his website with his "Easter caskets":

http://www.myspace.com/mrbunny666.

Very cool.

One of the bunny's "caskets."

Hey, who let that bunny in here?

www.poynter.org

Great Zeus! Poynter's Romesnesko finds the word "Repugnant," repugnant.

So Friday, I check Journalism God Jim Romenesko's linkathon at the Poynter Institute Web site and I discover that he's posted a link to a Phoenix Business Journal article from the same day reporting the news that Jon Talton's bidding the Arizona Republic farewell. Well, I was a tad flabbergasted by this as I broke that story several days before on Tuesday March 20. Indeed, I'd even e-mailed the item to Romy on the same day, figuring that a media story like this one would be of interest to the six-figure-salaried Lord of All He Surveys. But Romy ignores me and puts up a link to the PBJ, long after my blog post had gone up. WTF?

So I write Romy asking why he passed on my item, waited several days, then posted a competitor's link with the same info. This was his reply: "I believe your story referenced the Arizona 'Repugnant,' which I'm not certain all of my readers would recognize as the Republic."

That's a very odd objection coming from a fellow who runs another blog site called "The Obscure Store and Reading Room," which is a little like Rotten.com, but not quite as out there. The Obscure Store features link headers like, "Man arrested for putting head of girl's beloved dog in gift box," or "Boy might be expelled for putting urine in teacher's coffee pot." Even Romenesko's more conservative Poynter site regularly links to Gawker.com, one of the most self-important and cheeky sites on the Web.

Finally, my Talton item mentions the Arizona Republic in the first line, and then the common nickname for the daily, "the Repugnant," further down. Are Romy's readers really so slow that they wouldn't catch a little sarcasm? That's what he claims, anyway. Though maybe he's just afraid of getting complaints from Gannett stooges like John Zidich, the Repugnant's publisher.

I e-mailed Romy back to ask if I was blackballed or something, and he replied, stating, "Nobody's blackballed and link suggestions are always welcome." So I have no idea what to make of it, save to observe that the whims of the gods are by their very nature mercurial. Of course, now that I've blogged this item, perhaps I really will be blackballed.

PS: In case Romy's gonna wait for the PBJ to pick it up, I also broke the news last week of Richard Ruelas's column getting axed, with Ruelas busted down to lifestyle journo. So have at it PBJ! Romy's a-waitin'.

OutNow

By order of the almighty Gannett and its faithful servant John Zidich, journalism as you know it will now cease to exist!

Below is the makeup of the Arizona Republic's new Information Center, the Orwellian Gannett construct which merges the newsroom with online, makes redundant a print paper, and reduces all worker bees into bland nonentities. I've been trying to reach Rep. publisher John Zidich regarding other matters for the past several days at his office number, his e-mail and his listed home phone number in Scottsdale, but so far he has yet to get back to me. So I cannot verify that this info. is 100% correct. On the other hand, all the names certainly seem to be in the right places, and much of this info. is echoed in various spots on the Rep.'s Web site. As you can see Jon Talton's name is nowhere to be found, and Richard Ruelas has been busted down to the "Lifestyle Team" as "People/profiles reporter." (Ouch!) Despite Ruelas's positive spin on the subject in my Thursday blog post, the move certainly reads like a demotion.

Gannett, Zidich and their cadres are doing more to wreck Phoenix's paper of record than any trends regarding the future of the Fourth Estate. On the one hand, I suppose I shouldn't care, because I work for a competitor, and what's bad for them is good for me, hypothetically. However, it's demoralizing to watch what little quality's left in the Rep. be given the boot.

ARIZONA REPUBLIC / AZCENTRAL.COM INFORMATION CENTER

Ward Bushee -- Vice President/News & Editor
Randy Lovely -- Executive Editor
Nicole Carroll -- Managing Editor / Features &
Innovation
John Leach -- Managing Editor / News & Digital Media

Michael Roberts -- Senior Director / Training and
Staff Development
Mark Hiland -- Director / Training and Staff
Development

Brian Berlinski -- Financial Analyst
Kim Meader -- Administrative Assistant
Barbara VanDenburgh -- Administrative Assistant
Teclo Garcia -- Editor on Special Assignment

More

http://www.philgordon.org/

Stick 'em up, pardner: Goober Gordon shootin' air bullets, as usual.

As if the murder report on the local nightly news wasn't enough to convince you that you live in one of the most dangerous states in the nation, here comes a new study showing that -- golly, gee -- Arizona is one of the most dangerous states in the nation! The third most dangerous state, to be exact, right behind New Mexico at Number 2, and Nevada at Number 1. This exciting news comes to us via our friends at Morgan Quitno Press in Lawrence, Kansas, the same bean counters extraordinaire who labelled the Zona the dumbest state in the nation, and Phoenix the 59th most dangerous city in the country.

Remember how Gov. Janet "Do Nothing" Napolitano responded last year by saying, "We are not the dumbest state in the nation!"? Similarly, PHX Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon answered Morgan Quitno's 59th most dangerous city ranking by poo-pooing the study, essentially stating that crime statistics are unreliable because different statisticians can take the same set of numbers and do whatever they want with them. (The Bird first addressed the issue December 14 of last year in a column titled "Murder City.") This incredible, idiotic ostrich-like stance ignores the fact that ALL government entities rely on stats to judge the progress of various programs. Moreover, the stats Morgan Quitno uses to establish their rankings are the very same statistics that the Phoenix Police Department reports to the FBI. So what, are the PPD and the FBI liars? If you're interested, you can look at the PPD's stats here (check "Uniform Crime Reports, Part I -- Violent Crimes"). As you can see, there has not been a significant drop in the rates for murder and rape in last few years. Do you feel safer?

I called Goober flack Scott Phelps for a comment, and this was his spin:

Number-crunchers in Kansas don't define Arizona. People vote with their feet and are making this the fastest growing county and state in the nation. In Phoenix, we continue to focus on educational opportunities, job opportunities and public safety. We have added 300 officers in the past 3 years and will continue to add personnel and resources. We're already acquiring three new helicopters, additional equipment and are building a high-tech crime lab.

We are investing in new communication equipment and an emergency operations center. And because technology is one of the best ways we can keep Phoenix effective and efficient, we are investing over 15 million dollars to improve Police and Fire Technology. This year, we will build our first new police precinct stations in 20 years — and we're building two of them.

First off, talking about things you're planning to do doesn't cut the proverbial mustard, especially when you've been in power for four years and in those four years your primary crime-fighting initiative has been handing out front-porch benches to people. What little the Goober administration has done (these 300 officers Phelps mentions) obviously is not enough. Of course, Do-Nothing Napolitano bears responsibility as well, but we've already proved we're the dumbest state in the nation by re-electing her skunk-coiffed self.

Phil's running for re-election this year, and any way you cut it, he's soft on crime. All it would take is some slightly-more savvy candidate (Phil ain't no Einstein, people) to run to his right on the crime issue, and Goober Gordon would be gone. Who that would be, I don't know. The brass ring is out there to be had, if someone will just make a grab for it.

Ain't no cake walk for Flake's new bill, but it does offer hope.

At first glance, Rep. Jeff Flake's new immigration reform bill seems to offer hope of a compromise on the issue between the pro and anti camps. It presents a pathway to legal residency for the 12 to 20 million illegal immigrants in our midst, though that pathway is by no means a cake walk. They'd have to go to a "point of entry" and touch foreign soil and return, this time legally, into the U.S. There would be fines to pay, they'd have to learn English, and they'd have to wait and wait and wait for their status to be finalized. But at least, finally, there would be a way.

Flake's bill would also establish renewable, three-year guest worker visas, and require that border security be upgraded before the whole shebang starts. I haven't read the doorstop-sized bill, and few have at this point, but it does sound like a very, very promising possible compromise. Of course, that's from someone who believes the more the merrier when it comes to immigration. So I'm not the person you have to convince. Those in favor of treating the undocumented like human beings have never been against compromise. It's the crazies in the radical right, the Minutemen and bull-headed bigots like state Rep. Russell Pearce, who've wanted no compromise on this issue.

Indeed, Chris Simcox's Minuteman Civil Defense Corps has, predictably, already rejected the Flake bill as a "roadmap to amnesty." But of course, should there ever be comprehensive immigration reform, the Minutemen in all their various guises would cease to exist. And what would the rednecks down at Rusty Childress's PHX Kia dealership do every Thursday night when they normally hold their whiny white man bitch sessions? No, these folks want the situation to remain intractable. They want to punish Mexican immigrants here, and send all of the illegals back in one fell swoop, no matter that this punitive "final solution" to the immigration problem will likely never occur.

The racist wing-nuts, weekend warriors and white pride pols will have to be presented with fait accompli in the form of a Congressional compromise that they'll fuss about, but must accept as the law of the land. I don't know if Flake can pull this off with the help of like-minded individuals and break the deadlock. As we're heading toward the 2008 Presidential contest, I would not be surprised if it goes nowhere or is scuttled with each side blaming the other for the failure. All the same, Flake earns plaudits for trying.

Paris Troy

Hotter than a Georgia firecracker; so hot you could bake bread on her back, or maybe a frozen pizza...uh, you get the picture.

For some reason Thump Day Honey sounds a lot cooler than Hump Day Honey, and it also gives me an extra day to snag a P-town hottie to praise online, so from now on, we will call them Thump Day Honeys! So let it be written. So let it be done. Now bathe her and bring her to me. Chop-chop.

Oh, don't I wish. The amazing Tamara Guenthner pictured here was suggested to me by the world-famous Christopher Cashak, who does nothing but take pics of hot babes all day long, and so earns my eternal envy. I knew I shouldn't have dropped that photog class in college! Anyway, Cashak's not the only one to have photographed this mega-dime in her prime. The British-German-Italian femmebot's appeared on the cover of Playtime magazine, and she's August in the current '07 edition of the Tempe 12 Calendar. August is appropriate. Just look at that bod, you could practically fry an egg on her frickin' skin!

Tamara, or Tammi for short, is Glendale born and bred and still dwells in that toddlin' town, where she's the spokesmodel for the new Pink Cabaret gentleman's club. With her sultry 36c-25-35 hourglass figure on a 5'7" frame, and those come-hither green peepers, it's no wonder Pink's also hired her on as the VIP Hostess with the mostess. Tammi go-go dances at Scottsdale spots like E4, Myst and Axis/Radius, but she says guys rarely approach her in da club, though she's not at all stuck up. Indeed, as far as what she's lookin' for a in a fella, Tammi says as long as he's cute and has a personality and a sense of humor, she's open to all types.

Hmmm, how 'bout a fat guy with dark glasses and his own column? Mull it, Tammi. There's no rush.

For more pics of Tammi, check thse sites:

http://www.myspace.com/tilatamara

http://www.cashakmagazine.com/super-sexy-summer-swimsuit-series/1/

http://www.tempe12.com/galleries/index.php

http://www.almaweb.org/about/richard.htm

Rep. columnist Ruelas is all smiles, despite the killing of his column.

Following on the heels of the news of Jon Talton's imminent departure at the Arizona Repugnant, I now learn that my other favorite columnist at the Rep, Richard Ruelas, has also had his column cut. Unlike Talton, however, Ruelas isn't saying goodbye. According to the response I received from him this a.m., he says he's staying on, and that the change will be a good thing for him. He even gets in a couple of digs at this feathered Mound of Renown and the New Times. Take a gander, and note that I'd written to him as his "biggest fan" at NT:

Stephen:
I'll resist my sophomoric urge to make a pun around the "biggest fan"
comment. And thanks for the compliment.

take care
give my best to Mr. Tatum.
Richard Ruelas

Well, first off, I have to say that in no way does Ruelas come in behind snoozefest E.J. Montini, soccer-momish reactionary Laurie Roberts, or even the very amusing Clay Thompson who does the Rep's "Valley 101" column. Ruelas can write rings around Montini and Roberts, and he usually has something to say that goes against the grain of the anti-immigration hatemongers here in the PHX. I'm sure, for instance, that the rednecks over at Rusty Childress's Thursday night KIA-dealership Mexican-bash-o-rama will be poppin' bottles at the news.

Ruelas puts a positive spin on the loss of his column, which the Republic's editorial geniuses usually buried in the back pages, despite it being one of the best columns in the Valley. I hope he does get to write longer pieces, but still, he won't be able to editorialize in long profiles, and I suspect that's why the Rep has made this shift. Ruelas's calm logic on the immigration issue pissed off many a reader, and no doubt many an advertiser. (Does Childress advertise in the Rep, one wonders?) Moving him over to writing profiles, no matter how long they are, may neutralize his voice. I hope this is not the case, of course. Still, I'd trade a boatload of Montini and Roberts columns for just one Ruelas column any day of the week, no matter how short.

As far as Ruelas's comments re: the dreaded Information Center, it should be noted that already the Rep's IC reorg has resulted in the removal of two of its best columns. And that's not a plus in my book.

WikimediaCommons

Rosie the Rotund takes a hit off the 9/11 troofer crackpipe.

Proving true the adage that even a cracked clock is right twice a day, Mexican immigrant-basher Darrell Ankkkarlo of KTAR 92.3 FM dumped on roly-poly bigmouth Rosie O'Donnell this Tuesday morn re: her support for 9/11 conspiracy theories. And you know what? I agree with the dood! Not only is O'Donnell a fat obnoxious windbag, she's a sanctimonious loony liberal of the highest order. She's offered proof of this by defending Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the guy who recently confessed to beheading Daniel Pearl and masterminding the 9/11 attacks. O'Donnell went Section 8 on that pathetic daytime tea party known as The View, practically weeping tears for KSM, and bemoaning his non-Radisson treatment during his four years in U.S. custody.

The Miss Piggy-esque O'Donnell used an old photograph of KSM from when he was captured and implied that it was taken recently. She made a mockery of KSM's confession, though there is little doubt of his complicity in the 9/11 attacks, save to the rabid rabble of 9/11 conspiranuts. But then, O'Donnell is a member of the wacky troofer tribe, as she declared in a March 15 post to her blog. The post mostly deals with the collapse of World Trade Center building 7, a lodestone of sorts for 9/11 moonbatts howling in the wind. She suggests this was all done to help Bush's buddies in Enron. And considering how well the Enron fiasco turned out for execs Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, murdering 3,000 people for this purpose apparently worked like a charm!

I'm as liberal as the day is long, but babealicious conservative blogger Debbie Schlussel delivers a whithering attack on O'Donnell's froot-loopy post, which regurgitated many of the pat troofer arguments about WTC7: controlled demolition; Larry Silverstein, the guy who leased the WTC, told the fire dept. to "pull it," which troofers wrongly interpret as the order for a controlled demo; and so on. Schlussel writes, "Rosie believes that landlord Silverstein had some sort of conspiracy with the New York Fire Department to bring the building down. (You know--Silverstein? Why, of course, The Joooooos did it.)"

Interestingly, Silverstein's "pull it" statement was made for a 2002 PBS documentary called America Rebuilds, in which Silverstein recalled:

I remember getting a call from the Fire Department commander, telling me they were not sure they were going to be able to contain the fire. I said, you know, "We've had such terrible loss of life that the smartest thing to do is just pull it." And they made that decision to pull it and we watched the [World Trade Center 7] building collapse.

By "pull it," Silverstein meant the firefighter contingent in the building. Essentially, they knew it was going to collapse, and they pulled out the remaining firefighters so they wouldn't be killed. If Silverstein meant what the troofers have twisted his words to mean, why would he say this in a PBS documentary? Does that make any sense at all? Of course not. But neither does any of the rest of the troofer crackpottery.

Then there's the fantasy about a controlled demo. In its report on the collapse of WTC7, The National Institute of Standards and Technology stated, "NIST has seen no evidence that the collapse of WTC 7 was caused by bombs, missiles, or controlled demolition." But of course, according to the 9/11 wackos, NIST is in on the conspiracy!

O'Donnell's a perfect example of someone who hates Bush so much that she buys into the most bizarre falsehoods and batty nonsense to demonize the man. (At this point, I really don't think he needs the help.) Liberals who drink this nasty batch of Kool-Aid are only marginalizing themselves, making themselves look like damn fools who need to be kept far away from the reins of power. Not unlike the clownish O'Donnell herself.

Anyway, kudos to Ankarlo on this one. I hope he takes the time to address this issue again. I still think he's full of racist javelina hockey on the immigration issue. But when it comes to the 9/11 conspiracy crowd, we're oddly on the same freakin' page.

http://www.jontalton.com/

Someone crank up the Dion: "Anybody here seen my old friend Jon? Can you tell me where he's gone?"

Sadly, it seems the Arizona Republic's massive reorganization, which I wrote about back in January, into an online Information Center that also happens to put out a daily paper, has claimed a victim of sorts: columnist Jon Talton, one of the only reasons worth reading the Repugnant these days, if you don't count Richard Ruelas. Both Ruelas and Talton actually have something to say and are not just spinning fluff like some of the others on the Repugnant's payroll. I hate to use the Al Gore cliche, but Talton often writes about inconvenient truths, which is probably too much for the blander-than-bland Gannett McPaper. So he'll be gone in a couple of weeks. Here's what Talton had to say after I e-mailed him:

This was sent out to some friends, and is all I am prepared to say until I leave:

Jon Talton

I wonder how Ruelas is doing? Hope they don't make him walk the plank over there. In any case, Talton will be missed, as original voices in this Valley are rare, and they're even rarer in the pages of the Republic. It's really beginning to look like this Information Center b.s. will end up being worse even than the Monday "redesign" of the paper, which is the functional equivalent of putting tinsel on a turd. Well, at least on Mondays, apparently, because people are so "busy" and need less news. Huh? Don't worry, I don't get it either.

RELATED--Arizona Republic says, "Reapply, PHX peons..." and John Zidich balks, talks...

A Royal pain: Tabloid talking head Royal Oakes

Check this Friday, March 16 post from The Association of Alternative Newsweeklies (AAN) concerning the Anna Nicole spoof and the somewhat preachy piece from the TV show that birthed Bill O'Reilly, Inside Edition:

Phoenix New Times' Anna Nicole Story is -- Gasp! -- a Hoax
Inside Edition
After a week of internet chatter and blogospheric speculation about the alt-weekly's story on the deceased starlet's "secret Native American love child," Inside Edition finally gets the paper to admit it was false. Reporter Steven Lemons, who wrote the story under the nom de plume Charles Tatum, admits to the TV tabloid that "absolutely none" of the story was true. "Our aim was to sort of make fun of all the Anna Nicole Smith coverage, you know, just the mania over that," an unnamed New Times editor tells Inside Edition.

The "unnamed New Times editor" is Rick Barrs, editor of the paper, who's featured along with yours truly in the Inside Edition clip, which you can see online still on New Times' home page. Seems someone at Inside Edition can also write, as they posted a run-down of the show's Ides of March edition, which reads in part:

But there were things about the story that just didn't seem right to INSIDE EDITION. The so-called birth certificate looks nothing like an official California document, and Anna Nicole's address was wrong.

Incredibly, the newspaper's editor admitted the story was totally false. "Our aim was to sort of make fun of all the Anna Nicole Smith coverage, you know, just the mania over that," he said.

I like this quote, "INSIDE EDITION also learned the resort where the so-called affair took place was closed for renovations at the time they were supposed to have been there. " What they don't tell you is how they found out: I told Jim Moret when he came by to interview me as Charlie Tatum.

This summary of the televised segment is odd in that it's almost like they want to take credit for revealing some sinister plot. Thing is, if I hadn't owned up to the fact that this was an April Fools-type spoof, Jim Moret would've been sweating his ass off all the way down to Sells, capital of the Tohono O'odham nation. That was his next stop, he told me, if Charlie Tatum'd stuck to his story.

Jim Moret seems like an OK guy, so I suspect his producers insisted on the heavy-handed b.s. with legal anal-yst Royal Oakes. I mean, what kind of dork names their fucking kid "Royal"? No, really. And he's wagging his digit at us. Puhhhhhhlease!

It's amazing these doofi don't get the joke. All but Moret, I guess, if I give him the benefit of the doubt. The irony, of course, is that the joke was literally on them -- the tabloid media, and their ravenous obsession with Anna Nicole. But apparently the goons at Inside Edition are irony deficient.

Jim Moret & moi: As you can see, Jimbo's dreading that drive to Sells.

Now that the word's out that our wildly successful Anna Nicole Smith spoof was, um, a spoof, I can reveal the events of this Monday that resulted in Thursday's Inside Edition segment on yours truly and the story of ANS' Native American love child.

Inside Edition called me that morning and informed me that TV reporter Jim Moret would be at the New Times' offices by noon, as he was flying in from L.A. to interview me -- actually me as Charles "Charlie" Tatum, the dood who supposedly wrote the story. As you can see in this photo and in the video captured and available on the NT's front Web page, I was having a bad hair day. But like they say in vaudeville, the show must go on, so I stuck a sparkly blue trucker hat on my noggin decorated by Fronzo "The Fonz" West sporting the letters FTP ("Fuck the Police") and awaited the arrival of Mr. Moret.

Moret got there a little after noon, I believe, with a two-man freelance camera crew. I went out to meet him in my trucker hat, accompanied by Clubs Editor Ben Leatherman, who's over 6 feet tall and over 300 pounds with a big scraggly beard. The guy's a gentle giant, but Moret didn't know that. Moret told me later that when we met him in the lobby, he was afraid that Ben and I were going to jump him or something.

Anyhoo, we didn't jump them, but led them to an empty conference room on the first floor where they could set up. I was in full Charlie Tatum mode, speaking in an exaggerated Southern accent to make myself sound even more like a hick than I usually do. After they took about 15 minutes setting up the cameras, the interview began, though without my hat, as they made me take it off. (Drat!) I went into my shuck-n-jive about how Johnny Soto, Anna Nicole's Tohono O'odham lover, approached us, and that even though I'd only been on the job a couple of weeks, my editor had dumped this colossal story in my lap because everyone else was just too galdurn busy to tackle it.

I'd already decided that if asked a direct question as to whether the newspaper itself was pulling a prank, I'd cop to the truth. But I wasn't sure Moret would ask the right question even though he seemed skeptical: He told me the font type on the birth certificate was not the right kind (who knew they had fonts just for birth certs?); and he and Inside Edition execs didn't understand why Johnny Soto's phone number was formerly a phone number for erstwhile New Times staff writer Bob Nelson. (Whoops.) "How does Bob Nelson figure into all this?" asked Moret. I told him the NT had set up the phone line because Soto didn't want to give out his cell number.

Eventually, Moret asked if the entire story was some sort of April Fools Day stunt, and I stunned him by dropping my fake accent and telling him that it was indeed a spoof. "You've been punked!" I told him, laughing. Then I explained the whole situation. Moret actually breathed a sigh of relief, because if I hadn't divulged all, his next stop was Sells, AZ, the capital of the Tohono O'odham nation, which I hear is lovely this time of year. Still, the three hour drive, I'm sure, would've sucked. Moret then interviewed my editor Rick Barrs, who told him that we do a spoof every year. We even gave him a copy of last year's spoof, my Xtreme Cuisine, cover story.

Moret seemed to grok our explanations, and later, after rereading the ANS story, referred to it as "genius." Moret was a nice enough guy, and told us that it was still a story that we'd pulled one over on so many hard-bitten news types. We told him all folks had to do was check the online comments. Loyal readers picked up on the spoof, but those unfamiliar with us, like Moret and his colleagues, had no idea the ANS story was operating in the realm of satire and parody.

In general, I liked the Inside Edition piece, save for the finger-waggin' schtick by "legal analyst" -- try anal-lyst -- Royal Oaks (did he used to be a weatherman or something?), which I found totally absurd. I'm going to be lectured by a gossip and scandal show that leads with Brangelina? Uh, I don't think so. Plus they left out the fact that we do these on a yearly basis, and that they were basically fooled enough to send out a reporter to cover it. On the other hand, I liked the fact that they ran a clip of Kirk Douglas from the Billy Wilder flick Ace in the Hole, which is where I got the name "Charles Tatum." In Ace, Douglas plays a New York reporter who falls from grace and ends up working at a small newspaper in Albuquerque, NM. In an attempt to get back to the big time, he exploits this story of a guy trapped in a mine shaft -- his ace in the hole. The name goes straight to the satirical heart of the New Times story: The circus freakshow that's been Anna Nicole's (life and) death.

Inside Edition was one of the bigger fish we landed with this spoof, but there were others. Lots of others. Heh. All will be revealed in next week's Bird column.

Be afraid, be very afraid: Mandal season is upon us.

You know it's Spring in the Zona when they appear -- the dreaded mandals, or man sandals, which signal the advent of warmer weather. I regard it as being on par with such Biblical plagues as locusts, frogs, water turned into blood, yadda-yadda-yadda. There is nothing more horrific, or more grotesque, than being forced to share space with doods who lack the self-awareness to realize that no one wants to see their naked, hairy hobbit-toes. On the whole, chicks have good-lookin' tootsies. So their fondness for open-toed or otherwise revealing footwear is understandable. But guys have ungainly man-hooves, even when they keep 'em neat and clean. Gay males do this the best, but I have no desire to see their dogs unleashed either.

So this Friday's New Times poll is: "Should mandals (man sandals) be banned -- especially the open-toed variety, why or why not?" What follows are the sometimes surprising opinions of the editorial staff. If they made me God-King of this country tomorrow, I would have all het males wearing mandals shot on sight by our various law-enforcement agencies. Or at least severely caned. When, oh when, will this shameful hideousness end?

10) I've never gone out with a guy who had ugly feet! There are plenty of fine-looking male tootsies out there. Just scout out ASU on a day like today, and you'll see plenty of foxy 20-something guys in flip flops...

9) I'm a dapper dude, and I heart mandals! Sometimes I will even bathe my toenails in baby blue or exotic orange polish -- colors that, respectively, help me get in touch with my feminine and creative sides -- and allow my feet to breathe freely while rocking the toe spreaders. And I am a totally straight stallion in the prime of my youth.

8) OK, this direct from our kitchen. I was just about to write, "Well, it really is all about the KIND of sandal," when (my husband) walked in and I read him your email and He said, "Oh, yeah, I have some of those. But it's ok, because they're from REI. (pause) Right?" I will say no more, as an act of marriage preservation.

7) Do you really mean exclusively literally open-toed? BTW, I have some brand new stylin' men's black dress sandals (almost completely enclosed, Brazilian leather) that I bought for myself before I got my brace. They're an 8 1/2 D, if you know anyone who'd like them. Anyhow, I have an essay on this one. . .

It's really more about the man's vibe than a particular shoe in the abstract. I get a nice Latin/hippie/Biblical vibe from some types of mandal, the huarache or Birkenstock type. And although they expose feet to dirt, if they also expose them to air and help avoid the dreaded cheesefoot, I'm in favor. But then, I don't mind feet in general, to look at. I'm kind of foot-positive. And I don't mind the compromise of sandals with appropriate socks, either -- it's cute, clean, AND ventilated. However, when mandals are trying to be sophisticated and fashionable, no matter what the feet look like, it is to laugh.

6) A man can definitely wear mandals if he thinks they are comfortable, and a man shouldn't give a shit what anybody thinks of his gnarly toes as long as the mandals themselves don't look gay. Better mandals than Crocs, which I DO think should be outlawed for straight men.

5) I'm more disturbed by men who wear shorts, actually. Toes aren't that bad -- what's disgusting is a pair of skinny white legs with tufty hair. Keep the mandals; scrap the man shorts!

4) Mandalas? I can't stand them! Those frickin' Buddhists with their yellow robes and their colored sand. Just who do they think they are? Then they let the wind blow it all away. What assholes! What? Oh, you mean, "man sandals"? Uh, never mind.

3) If they were good enough for the Roman soldier, they're good enough for me.

2) I like to wear mandals in the summer, though I know my toenails are kinda crusty and yellow. I don't wear them to work, though. And I'd never wear sandals w/socks.

...and the Number One answer to this week's mandal-hatin' Friday poll is,

1) Mandals should MOST CERTAINLY be banned. They make me sick, sick, sick. It's not just the gross toes, they also just look fucking terrible, especially because they are most often worn with some form of jean or cargo short. Yuck. The other night a man in Tevas tried hitting on me at the bar, and I have to say, because of the shoes, I wouldn't even take the free drink. Seriously. Even worse -- mandals worn with socks. What's the point? Your feet are still going to get hot and you look like an (even bigger) douchebag.

http://www.myspace.com/ankarlo

Ankkkarlo loves the misery of others, especially if they're illegals...

KTAR saliva jockey Darrell Ankarlo was practically beating off on the radio this morning in ecstasy over the news of three teenagers being deported to Mexico after being stopped by a Gilbert police officer for drag racing. Sure, if they hadn't been drag racing to begin with, they wouldn't have earned one-way tickets back to where their parents were from. But on the other hand, teenagers do dumb shit all the time without being exiled. We're talking about two 16-year-olds and a 17-year-old, and here Ankkkarlow-brow is getting his racist rocks off over their misery.

Both Ankkkarlo and the AZ Repugnant's Laurie Roberts, the snooze-inducing soccer-momish battle-axe with whom the Repugnant likes to fill back pages, think it's "a shame" (as the middle-aged, potato-faced Roberts wrote in her blog) that the parents didn't come forward and get arrested for being illegal as well so they too could be deported. Never seems to occur to either of these geniuses that maybe the 'rents have other children they still have to feed, and that if the whole family goes back to the homeland, all of them might end up on the street. Both of these idiots obviously make too much money to understand that illegal immigrants come here for gainful employment, gainful employment they cannot find in Mexico. Otherwise, why would they come here?

Poverty in Mexico drives people to cross the border. America is offering these people jobs. But assholes like Ankarlo and Roberts want them to live under the constant fear of deportation. Like slaves. I wish I could find out who landscapes Roberts' home. And I'm sure both Roberts and Ankarlo eat out like everyone else. So however they slice it, they are directly benefiting from the illegal immigration they decry.

Ankarlo was also whining this a.m. about how much money illegal immigrants cost us. But undocumented workers pour money into federal coffers via phony Social Security numbers, and they pay taxes. They'll never collect on the $7 billion that goes into the Social Security general fund because the numbers they're using are bogus. The undocumented also help drive the economy by taking jobs Americans won't do. Here's a question for Ankarlow-brow and the reactionary Ms. Roberts: Who cleans the office buildings you work in? Have you checked to make sure that whatever companies KTAR and the Repugnant are contracting with use only American citizens? I didn't think so.

A favorite guest of Ankarlo is state Rep. Russell Pearce, the racist Mormon mofo who got caught last year sending out an e-mail that originated from neo-Nazis. Strangely, Ankarlo never brings this up in conversation with the bull-headed bigot. Can't figure out why...

PS: Found this great Ankarlo MySpace page here: http://www.myspace.com/ankarlo. Seems unlikely it's really Ankarlo's, 'cause of the marijuana motif, the Peaches theme song "Fuck the Pain Away," and all the rest. I asked Ankarlo's producer Rob Hunter about it, and he seemed shocked by it. Yeah, there's no way the real Ankarlow-brow could be this cool. But if he were, it might alter my opinion of him a bit.