Ford Fumblebutt

"Former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious."


I don't think I've ever been so happy to see an ex-Prez get planted. Despite the nonstop eulogizing that has gone on for the last week, the ceaseless yapping about how Ford was a decent guy, and gosh-darnit, a swell Ameri-cun, it all sounded like chin music about someone's retarded dog. This man was so friggin' dull that in my youth, I prayed for Tricky Dick's return from his San Clemente exile, just to spare us the boredom. Nixon may have been a corrupt, power-mad, paranoid lunatic, but at least you didn't begin falling asleep as soon as the guy's mug appeared on the tube. Tell me this, when Ford finally passed woodenly into that good night on December 26, 2006, how could they tell the stiff had croaked?

I'm equally weary of all the lip-flappin' about how he restored decency to the White House. What diaper biscuits! No one took Ford seriously while he was the Chief Exec. Basically, he was the head of a caretaker government. And after pardoning Nixon, people recognized him for the Oval Office Elmer Fudd that he was. Does anyone remember the "WIN: Whip Inflation Now" buttons? How pathetic was that? Wing-nuts wanna give Chevy Chase a hard time now 'cause he portrayed Ford as a bumbling, stumbling doofus; they say Ford was a star athlete, could really toss the pigskin, yadda-yadda-yadda. Sorry. Maybe in his youth he was a football player. But as a grown man, they could barely keep the guy on his feet. Anyone near him when he golfed risked getting brained by one of his, um, balls.

What's interesting about Chase's impression, looking back on it, is that Chase never even bothered to try to imitate him. Why? Because Ford's distinguishing characteristics were his clumsiness and his furniture-like banality. All Chase had to do was an homage to Peter Sellers as Jacques Clouseau, minus the accent and the mustache, and voila, the hilarity of Chase's pratfalls ensued.

Maybe the reason Ford inspires a buttfull of schmaltz and nostalgia from the punditocracy is that he wasn't a lying little sock of excrement like George "3,000 American Dead and Counting" Duh!bya. One really cool thing has come out of Ford's demise. I mean, other than my private reminiscences about wannabe-Ford assasinatrix Squeaky Fromme, who was kinda hot in that skinny hippy-chick way back in the day. More than me reliving my adolescent crush on the female Mansonite, there's the news that Bob Woodward did an interview with Ford in 2004 with Ford calling the Iraq war a huge fucking mistake. A voice from beyond the grave! I'd like to see how the Repugnicans squirm their way out of this one. Heh.

BTW, I couldn't find any of that old SNL Chevy Chase as Ford stuff online, but YouTube did have this brilliant bit that NBC broadcast a decade ago, with Dana Carvey doing Tom Brokaw anticipating Ford's death by gunshot, crack cocaine overdose, wolf attack, you name it, at the age of 83. Wild, wacky stuff.


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