Fart Club: the Friday Poll
The first rule of fart club is: You don't talk about fart club. The second rule of fart club is...Ok, you get the pic. Tyler Durden is a highly flatulent fellow who forms an underground all-male association where winded doods get together and let 'em fly. Then, for some odd reason, they attempt to wreck society with their gassy, cheese-cutting ways. Brad Pitt stars as the farter-in-chief. The flick is rated F, natch, and filmed in smellovision.
By now, you've guessed from the tangent-buster above: This Friday's wack-ass top ten has to do with the joys of anal discharge. The exact query being, "What's the most embarrassing or awkward place you've ever squeezed one out?" The answers come from the New Times' own poot-lovin' staff, with inspiration from Ren and Stimpy. You're encouraged to reciprocate with your own stories of intestinal distress. Don't be shy. Everybody does it. And everybody's had one of those moments where they emit an air biscuit at an inopportune moment. Just read the following.
10) from a long-haired dood, "At my mother-in-law's house when I met her for the first time. It was after this big Italian meal we had. And yeah, it was smelly."
9) from a short-haired dood, "In my own bedroom with my wife present. It's the quality of 'em. There, they tend to be long, loud and proud." (He doesn't sound that embarrassed to me.)
8) from a tall babe, "During a piano lesson when I was eleven. My teacher pretended nothing happened. I think I was playing Edelweiss..."
7) from a nut, "About five minutes ago in my office."
6) from another nut, "While I was getting a blowjob. It was a first date in college. She was pissed and didn't finish the bj. There was no second date."
5) another bj story? this time from a suave-ass coolio, "It was after getting a blowjob from my girlfriend. Her head was still down there. I was so relaxed, I couldn't help myself. We both laughed about it. It wasn't smelly."
4) from a proper lady, "When I'm sitting on the floor (like at a work party in somebody's house) and I start to get up or reach for something and away we go. It's so obviously me in that case, when no one else is moving, and occasionally it smells."
3) from another proper lady, "When I was at Sunday school when I was a little kid. It was so loud and all of the other kids laughed. I was so ashamed."
2) from an Oscar the Grouch-type, "At the supermarket sometimes. Especially in the meat section, for some reason."
and the number one most embarrassing experience with a fudgie-fart, from a hot-to-trot blonde:
1) "A silent but deadly one I let go at a party...I blamed it on my dog, and everyone believed me!"