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courtesy Sumita Tomerlin

Foxy Lady: Sumita loungin' it up...

Wednesday is hard, and to get past it and closer to the weekend, we need help. That's my thinking behind my new Wed. feature: Hump Day Honeys. Every Wednesday, I'll feature some amazing babe from the Valley of the Sun along with some links to photos of said babe, hopefully in bikini or something equally hot. Think of it as inspiration to make it to Friday and that local watering hole where you might actually run into one of these Wednesday wenches. Of course, you'll have no chance at all with these fine dimes, but at least you'll have an opening line: "Hey, I saw your bikini pics on the Feathered Bastard blog!" And that and $3.50 might just garner you a pint of your favorite domestic brew, pallie.

Our first ever Hump Day Honey is Sumita Tomerlin, a recent grad of ASU in communications or something like that. Sumita is 24, of Indian descent (meaning, from the Subcontinent), and is currently a model making a name for herself with her sultry, exotic good looks. But she also has a head on her shoulders for makin' paper, and if you check out her MySpace page, you can read all about the companies she's involved in. A party girl with an introspective side, Sumita appreciates the better things in life, so be prepared to step correct, playa, with some scrilla in the bank, or somethin' goin' on other than that beer can collection in your bedroom.

Sumita's earned plaudits as a Hawaiian Tropic model, and you can peep her poses at the first link below. The second is a series of snaps showing Sumita and another sweet squalie in a lingerie pillow-fight. There's other stuff out there if you google her name, and you should be on the lookout in Playboy, because supposedly their scouts are eyeballing her portfolio. Sumita will also be a contestant in the Miss Asia Arizona beauty pageant coming up in March.

Full disclosure: Sumita once took pics for my now defunct Inferno column for the New Times. But we don't work together any more, and I only see her once in a blue moon, so I don't think it's much of a conflict. Plus, you can see for yourself that she's "fit," as Ali G would say, which is her primary qualification for being the first-ever Hump Day Honey.

Sumita's Hawaiian Tropic pics:

https://www.hawaiiantropicmodels.com/gallery_2005/09232005/Sumita_Tomerlin/index.shtml

Sumita's lingerie pillow fight:

http://vgpromo.smugmug.com/gallery/2382996#P-1-15

www.ktar.com

Asswipe Gay-dork, after dark for a reason.

Until last night, I was sure KTAR's Bill O'Reilly-wannabe Darrell Ankarlo was the biggest butthole on the local airwaves. But then I heard Monday's "Gaydos After Dark" program, which runs 9pm to Midnight weekdays, and I realized Ankarlo has a rival for top asshat in the Valley -- buttmunch-host Larry Gaydos. Last night Gaydos sent a stack of pizzas to Immigrants Without Borders prez Elias Bermudez, who's currently staging a hunger-strike with others of his group near El Portal restaurant as a protest of the Zona's anti-immigrant policies. Gaydos had some flunky deliver the pizzas, but the guy didn't get anywhere near Bermudez, and was quickly escorted off the premises by security guards. Bungholio Gaydos tried to play all this for yucks, but then, Gaydos is on the radio from 9pm to Midnight for a reason, and his so-called jokes fell flatter than Lindsay Lohan's fanny.

The whole thing rated right up there with rednecks telling black jokes, or someone sending Martin Luther King, Jr. a Klan outfit during one of his civil rights marches. Massive tool Gaydos said he planned to continue his lame-ass schtick "catering" the week-long hunger strike. Tonight's gonna be Chinese food, according to him. This calls to mind a post about Gay-dork I read on this site AZPlace.net recently, which read:

What a joke! Incredible, even with the horrid competition here, the Gaydos show still manages to be the worst show in Phoenix... Does this show have any fans besides friends and family engaging in acts of unconditional love?

As is apparent from listening to the dweeb, Gay-dork desperately wants to be Keith Olbermann, or at least the Keith Olbermann of the PHX. Thing is Olbermann boasts some talent. Judging from Gay-dork's attempts at comedy, he has nada.

Bermudez's hunger strike is apparently a throwback to the hunger strikes of legendary activists like Cesar Chavez and others, but the cheap cynicism and pathetic humor of dillweeds like Gay-dork makes me wonder if such protests are anachronistic in a time where veiled bigotry and sarcasm are the order of the day.

Here's an idea for Gay-dork, and I'll help: Let me drive you down to the middle of the Hispanic 'hood, drop your lily-white ass off with a mic tied to your neck (after dark, natch), and let you make Latino jokes as you try to run home. Listeners could then take bets on how far Gay-dork gets before the kind folks of AZ's Hispanic community show him the error of his ways. Sounds like a laugh-riot to me.

Wikimedia Commons

And the reorg at the Rep rolls on...

Thie eve, I caught up with Arizona Republic publisher John Zidich (referred to by wags as Zee-Dick) via phone at his Scottsdale pad, and asked him about the reorganization of the Repugnant's newsroom, which I blogged about on Wednesday. Zidich denies that Rep employees were made to "reapply" for their positions recently. But he did acknowledge the new primacy of the Rep's so-called "Information Center." He described the process employees are undergoing there now in executive-ese:

"We have not done anything to that extent," claimed Zidich concerning the "reapply" issue. "As we said, there's going to be an opportunity for people to apply for positions. Some positions won't change as much as others. But it's going to be a thing of inclusiveness. It's not that we're asking and we have not done anything to that extent."

Zidich also took issue with my characterization of our conversation back in November, when I stated that he laughed as I asked him questions regarding the elimination of 31 Rep staffers. Zidich insisted he was only laughing at the question I had asked him -- about Gannett's desire to buy the Tribune Co. I'm not going to argue the point. The guy chuckled. If he says he was chuckling at my query, so be it.

WikimediaCommons

The crap you find online: A woodblock of some old Japanese biddy letting one fly.

The first rule of fart club is: You don't talk about fart club. The second rule of fart club is...Ok, you get the pic. Tyler Durden is a highly flatulent fellow who forms an underground all-male association where winded doods get together and let 'em fly. Then, for some odd reason, they attempt to wreck society with their gassy, cheese-cutting ways. Brad Pitt stars as the farter-in-chief. The flick is rated F, natch, and filmed in smellovision.

By now, you've guessed from the tangent-buster above: This Friday's wack-ass top ten has to do with the joys of anal discharge. The exact query being, "What's the most embarrassing or awkward place you've ever squeezed one out?" The answers come from the New Times' own poot-lovin' staff, with inspiration from Ren and Stimpy. You're encouraged to reciprocate with your own stories of intestinal distress. Don't be shy. Everybody does it. And everybody's had one of those moments where they emit an air biscuit at an inopportune moment. Just read the following.

10) from a long-haired dood, "At my mother-in-law's house when I met her for the first time. It was after this big Italian meal we had. And yeah, it was smelly."

9) from a short-haired dood, "In my own bedroom with my wife present. It's the quality of 'em. There, they tend to be long, loud and proud." (He doesn't sound that embarrassed to me.)

8) from a tall babe, "During a piano lesson when I was eleven. My teacher pretended nothing happened. I think I was playing Edelweiss..."

7) from a nut, "About five minutes ago in my office."

6) from another nut, "While I was getting a blowjob. It was a first date in college. She was pissed and didn't finish the bj. There was no second date."

5) another bj story? this time from a suave-ass coolio, "It was after getting a blowjob from my girlfriend. Her head was still down there. I was so relaxed, I couldn't help myself. We both laughed about it. It wasn't smelly."

4) from a proper lady, "When I'm sitting on the floor (like at a work party in somebody's house) and I start to get up or reach for something and away we go. It's so obviously me in that case, when no one else is moving, and occasionally it smells."

3) from another proper lady, "When I was at Sunday school when I was a little kid. It was so loud and all of the other kids laughed. I was so ashamed."

2) from an Oscar the Grouch-type, "At the supermarket sometimes. Especially in the meat section, for some reason."

and the number one most embarrassing experience with a fudgie-fart, from a hot-to-trot blonde:

1) "A silent but deadly one I let go at a party...I blamed it on my dog, and everyone believed me!"

See, chicks are hot even without their skin!

So I got up really early this a.m. to hang out with a bunch of stiffs -- specifically the mannequin-like corpses of Gunther von Hagens' Body Worlds 3, on exhibit at the Arizona Science Center in Phoenix through May 28. By now, most people are familiar with von Hagens' work, wherein he replaces the fluids and fat of a donated corpse with polymers, thus preserving human bodies for display -- usually without the skin. Hagens' post-mortem plastinates have toured the world, from Japan to Germany, becoming such pop culture icons that they were featured in the latest Bond film, Casino Royale. (Daniel Craig kills a bad guy at a Florida Body Worlds.) This morning's preview was for the media, and there was a press conference with von Hagens present. Also in the house: Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon, who never misses an opening, whether it's for a new Safeway, a truck stop, or a museum exhibition like this one.

Hagens wore his trademark black fedora and was accompanied by his hella-hot wife Dr. Angelina Whalley, who doubles as his business partner. Whalley, von Hagens, Phil, et al. all talked about what a great teaching tool Body Worlds is, how the slices of diseased lungs wean the kiddies off ciggies, and all that jazz. I don't really buy that bunkum. Basically Body Worlds is a 21st Century sideshow. That doesn't mean a sideshow can't be educational, but let's be real: The museum's charging a $22 entrance fee, and the cadavers have been donated by their previous owners. So someone's makin' bank. I don't really see much of a difference between a mortician showing off bodies of outlaws for a quarter, like they used to do in the old days, and von Hagens' grotesquely posed mortuary.

Banana split, anyone? Sorry, couldn't help myself...

Aaaaaaaah! What did you do to my frickin' crank?!

The sourcing of the bodies being used is a little difficult to follow, as NPR reported last year:

NPR has learned there's no clear paper trail from willing donors to exhibited bodies. People donating their bodies to von Hagens send consent forms to his Institute for Plastination. They pay to have their bodies transported to a plastination facility. There, their donor forms and death certificates are checked.

That paperwork is then separated from the bodies, which can be used for displays or sold in pieces to medical schools. No one will know for sure, because each plastinated corpse is made anonymous to protect its privacy.

According to this report, Von Hagens has admitted to using unclaimed corpses for plastinates that he in turn sells to universities. But he insists none of these Chinese medical school leftovers are used in the touring Body Worlds' exhibits. Confusing things is a competing show called BODIES...The Exhibition, which does admit to utilizing unclaimed cadavers. Human rights groups have charged such corpses might've come from executed prisoners, wards of mental institutions, and the like.

From the Kama Sutra, page 184...

But why spoil the circus worrying about how they treat the elephants? Wherever the bodies come from, the show itself is both mesmerizing and macabre. There are slices of human feet, hands, and just about every part of the anatomy you can imagine. Skinless former humans are posed in a variety of ways: leaping over a hurdle; with arched back on balance beam; poised mid-air on a skateboard; embracing a member of the opposite sex in a Kama Sutra-like move, and so on. The bods all look young and in-shape, but according to von Hagens, this is due to the process of plastination, and the corpses are often older than they seem. Apparenlty von Hagens can tell the age of a specimen by looking at its fingernails.

Seeing the bifurcated penis of the hurdle-leaper, and studying the grimy-looking epidermis of "The Skin Man," who holds his pelt aloft like a pair of flesh-colored long johns, these were admittedly creepy experiences. Almost as creepy as having to shake Mayor Phil's clammy hand, but that's another story. The glassed-in exhibit called "The Thinker," was eerily beautiful. Bright red because it displays the arteries of the vascular system, the ghostly humanoid sits as it studies a head lying on the table before it, a head formed only from a network of arteries.

Dead babies, the highlight of the show.

The real sideshow action comes when you visit a black-curtained space filled with preserved embryos and fetuses at various stages of development. Even at eight weeks, the embryo is visibly human. And though I'm pro-choice, seeing that can't help but make one reexamine the issue. Or at least sell you on the wonders of the morning-after pill. On the fetuses, you could see fine strands of hair on their heads, and study their wrinkled skin, which seemed patched and repaired in places, like some weird doll from the 1800s.

Don't try this one at home, kids.

Otherwise, little things would catch my eye, like the eyelashes and eyebrows, or the belly buttons -- every adult corpse had one. Sometimes, I swear the musculature of a display seemed to be flaking or breaking away slightly from the form. A tad unnerving, that. I was also fascinated to discover that the women were still appealing, even with their outer layers of flesh stripped away. As with the men, all the naughty bits were in tact. And on the whole, the female form, shorn of its fat and skin, is still more shapely than its counterpart.

So is it worth $22? Well, I think $22 is a bit steep. $15 per adult'd be more like it. Still, I'd give the venture a stubby thumbs up, though I would've liked to have seen a plastinated adult corpse with its skin in tact. On the other hand, maybe that'd be like seeing one in a morgue, a real downer.

While I was there, I'm not kidding, one of the PR chicks asked me about my 2004 spoof "Forever Yours" that I did under the pseudonym Esteban Sauer. The spoof imagined a company called Preserve A Life which preserved croaked loved-ones for private display, and I recall mentioning the Body Worlds show then on at the California Science Center in Los Angeles towards the end of the tall tale. The little blonde seemed genuinely concerned that I was going to do something similar for this write-up. Uh, no. However, if Von Hagens is lookin' to franchise out his company in the PHX, I may just be his man.

The wages of Alzheimer's: Is this how Joe Arpaio's brain looks now?

Oh, and after we're finished, we'd like for you to reapply for your job.

Stop the presses, while there are still presses to stop: The Arizona Republic's currently undergoing a massive reorganization, which according to one source at the Gannett McPaper will result in the administrative shorthand, "Online first, paper second." The reorganization will see the merging of the online and news departments into an Information Center, with all newsroom print staff being retrained in "Reporting and editing for the Web 101." As if that weren't humiliating enough, everyone in the online and news departments has had to reapply for his or her job in the last couple of days. (This "reapply" policy was also reported earlier today by KJZZ 91.5FM radio journo Marcos Najera.) The expectation is job titles will morph under the new paradigm, so that all serve the Information Center and its Orwellian needs. Leading the charge are Executive Editor Randy Lovely and his top hatchetman Editor/VP of News Ward Bushee.

In this Brave New World, The Rep will attempt to squeeze a dollar out of a dime by using a news team of 15 ASU interns to troll for suburban scoops. User-generated content will become even bigger for the corporate giant, with readers penning articles for newsdesks. For free, one wonders? Well, at least for less than it costs to hire actual journalists. Is Gannett hell-bent on beating print journalism into an early grave with a Podcast for every intern and eHarmony.com-type spinoffs out the wazoo? Seems like the print paper itself will eventually become a secondary entity that the suits'll be able to slough off like an old skin down the road.

Remember back to November when the Rep slashed 31 jobs, 7-to-8 of them in the newsroom? The Republic can't be a very nice place to work right now. Jeez, how would you react if some manager-dildo came to you and asked that you reapply for your freakin' position? Before you answer, remember that Arizonans are allowed to carry firearms...

RELATED--The Republic's newsroom runs red with blood...and ink, and Slaughter in the Newsroom.

Wikimedia Commons

The Kingdom and the Power, as long as you've got crossword puzzles and Disney teenyboppper tripe.

Five-plus years since the largest terrorist attack on American soil, and readers of The New York Times, still the nation's most esteemed news source despite Jayson Blair's monkeywrenching, are more interested in Obama than Osama, the Disney Channel's High School Musical vs. hijackings, and regular ol' obits instead of al-Quaeda. This, according to the Times' "Most Searched" index online, which features "Words and phrases most frequently searched by NYTimes.com readers." This peak inside the collective gray matter of the Gray Lady's readership is revealing for what it doesn't list as well as what it does. Of the top 50 searches for the last month, terrorism is nowhere on the list. Neither is Osama bin Laden, for that matter. Though Barack Obama squeaks in at #46.

Sure, Iraq is #5, and Iran is #9. Afghanistan -- what's that? The crossword lands at #13; the late Godfather of Soul James Brown, a much deserved #18; and high school musicals #23, just behind the Yankees at #22, baby.

Sex, oil, bread, wine, food, Nintendo Wii -- they all make the cut. Even Gerald Ford polls #10 on the list. And vying for the brass ring of the most-searched-for subject are -- drum roll, please -- the "Saddam Hussein hanging video" at #1 and "the best books of 2006" at #2. See, Gothamites are no less bloodthirsty than we shoot-em-up cowpokes here in AZ, they just like to enjoy the latest Pynchon novel when they're not watching tyrants swing.

Someone call CNN's Jeanne Moos and tell her I'm comin' for her job...

from Thenationmart.com

Usually The Nation's full of shit, but not with this cover.

I'm not inclined to bitch about Duh!bya like the billion other whiney-ass libs on the Web. After all, I'm self-aware enough to know that what some blogger writes about the biggest American military mistake since Vietnam is worth less than a hill of javelina poo. Still, since seeing Sen. Jon Kyl on TeeVee last night talking about what a stirring speech the Prez gave in his State of the Union, and with Bush-fuckers like Dumbass Darrell Ankar-low Brow on KTAR 92.3 FM yapping up the Shrub's message on Iraq as being strong, I really feel the need to ask, "Can I have a hit off that crack pipe, gentlemen?" Whew! Last night was a monumental snooze-fest, with Bush almost begging, in regards to his Iraq "surge," sniff, please, purty please, "give it a chance to work"...

I'm sorry, but does anyone remember the "Mission Accomplished" banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln back in 2003? So now, 3,000-plus dead in-country later, no WMDs, sectarian violence, and Iran and Korea with nuke programs that Iraq never had, and Bush figures 21,500 more troops will do the trick? Sorry, Darrell. Sorry, Sen. Kyl. But that's not a strong or stirring message. Especially with the please-give-it-a-chance tag.

Look, I protested this Iraq venture before it even got started, but since then, I've ceased to care, save to point out how ludicrous it all is from time to time. What I got from Duh!bya's message is the war's going to roll on, and who knows? Maybe by the time of the next Presidential election, we'll be talking about 6,000-plus American dead, or more.

The wing-nuts on the radio this morning were talking about how many times Speaker Nancy Pelosi (their favorite whipping dog these days) blinked during the speech. Sure, she blinks a lot, but mainly by comparison to Sith Lord Cheney who never blinks! Jeez, the guy's like a lizard. I almost expected a giant snake tongue to unfurl from his port-hole at any moment and flick out one of Pelosi's eyes...

from Ankarlo's MySpace page

Darrell dines out for a change...

Listening to Ankar-low Brow this morning on KTAR 92.3 FM talking about how 'rents shouldn't spare the rod when it comes to their wayward youngins lest those youngins grow up to be assholes, I'm reminded of a little piece I read about Low Brow's son Adam. Seems Adam pulled a harmless bit o' nekkid tomfoolery at his Tennessee high school back in 2000, which is best recounted by the Nashville Scene, one of the Phoenix New Times' many sister papers. The text below comes from their Boner Awards 2000:

Smells like teen shrinkage

Taking his cue from a Blink-182 video, Adam Ankarlo, 18, son of former WWTN-FM talk-show host Darrell Ankarlo, ran into a Franklin High School pep rally in February and suddenly stripped naked, streaking through the crowded gymnasium. Police caught up with Ankarlo outside, where he was cooling his heels—and everything else—in 40-degree weather.

Considering Ankarlo pere's views on corporal punishment and the like, one might think that Dillweed Darrell would've moved to have his son face the maximum punishment for such Animal House -like shenanigans. But according to a March 30, 2000 article in The Tennessean, part of Adam's court-appointed punishment was cutting down trees on his own lawyer's property, an arrangement which raised eyebrows with the judge in the case at the time, who called it "a pretty light deal."

Adam has gone on to serve his country honorably as a Marine Lance Corporal in Iraq, and so apparently was not warped somehow by his less-than-severe suspended sentence. I think you see where I'm going with this. Not that I care about some kid streaking at pep rally. Crikey, I don't even think the law should've been involved in something so petty. But if a similar prank happened at a P-town high school, it could've meant time in Tent City, boyo, with all the lawlessness, gang violence, and inhumane conditions that one expects from Sheriff Arpaio's gulags.

Ankarlo, as you'll remember from a previous blog post, had the Sheriff on his show recently and kissed his fanny so much I'll bet Arpaio's buttcheeks still boast hickey marks. Ankar-low Brow told listeners then:

"I gotta tell ya, I'm not smokin'. I dig this guy. and I see all the lines jammed and you guys are all wanting to cry. I'm not going to debate this. There's right, there's wrong. You break the rule, you go to jail."

You break the rule, you go to jail. Funny how that philosophy only applies to someone else's kid, eh?

RELATED--Darrell Ankar-low Brow

Chuey's greatest fantasy: To have knocked boots with Natalee Holloway before she croaked.

This Friday's wack-ass poll is dedicated to my personal hero Chuey the Rock 'n' Roll Midget, famous for hosting the Wed. night Wheel of Fear Factor at Giligin's in Scottsdale. I profiled their Howard Stern-esque antics in my now defunct Inferno column back in April. Chuey made the cover with a plate of Thai cockroaches for the story titled Mouthful of Midget.

Remember Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf on Howard Stern? Chuey is that effin' hi-larious, but without Hank's alcoholism. (Sure, Chuey imbibes, but not that fucking much.) Also Chuey's scored more trim than I'll ever see in my miserable life. Hell, he works at a bar where loads of hot coeds hang -- hot, curious coeds, if you get my drift. Being the star of the show doesn't hurt either.

Anyway, this week's topic is: "Would you bone a midget, dwarf, little person, or whatever you wanna call 'em?" The results were eyebrow-lifting to say the least. Folks had to justify their yes or no answers. And with one exception, all those asked were New Times employees. I've included whether they're male or female, which is kind of interesting, I think.

Can someone cue Randy Newman's "Short People," please?

And a-way we go....

TOP 10 ANSWERS TO WOULD YOU MAKE HOT MONKEY LOVE TO A MIDGET, AND WHY OR WHY NOT?

10) From a regular dude: "Nah. Their body fat makes them look like big babies. It'd be like pedophilia."

9) From a smart-ass dick: "I'd go gay for Verne Troyer."

8) From a hot chick, a blonde: "Well, if you're talking about a purely physical thing, where it's just sex, no. But if I got to know him and he was a friend and that would make him happy, maybe."

7) From a cool wench who like wenches: "Sure, I'd like to pick her up and sit her on my face!"

6) From a dweeb: "Um, if the personality is good."

5) From another dweeb who looks like Jason Mewes: "Hell, yeah! I have a small penis, so to her, I'd be hung like a bear, bro."

4) From a lecherous hirsute perv: "I'd do her for the story."

3) From a retard: "Can you repeat the question?"

2) From a PC queen (yes, we have them here too): "Only if I were a little person as well?"

...and the Number 1 answer to "Would you boink a midget?"from Chuey the Rock 'n' Roll Midget, aka, The Satanic Hispanic, aka, The Wee Wonder with the Fat Weenie:

1) "No way! Other midgets freak me out."

Shout out to Herve Villechaize, wherever he be...

(For the record, Chuey prefers tall bitches, and likes to brag that he can do oral on 'em while standing up. Wanna get at Chuey? Hit him up at his website Chueysworld.com or at his MySpace page, ChuSpace.)

http://www.ktar.com/

A face only Herman Munster's wife Lily could love.

Darrell Ankarlo's KTAR 92.3 FM morning show is talk radio for people who think Dane Cook's a friggin' comic genius. His shtick is to appeal to the lowest common denominator while seeming reasonable and in possession of some profound mental reservoir of common sense that trumps all comers. Really, he's just another shill for the extreme right, the sort of guy who likes to play veiled racial cues, sans hood.

One morning he might be puckerin' up to the carbuncles on Joe Arpaio's keister, and another he might be extolling the virtues of designer Tasers. Just the other day, I heard him make the argument that Islamofascists may have a point about the U.S., that all we produce is porn and hip-hop. Then he plays hip-hop songs like Ludacris' "Area Codes," with Nate Dogg singing the refrain "I've got hoes in different area codes," decrying such songs as garbage, and sounding sympathetic to the Islamofascists who'd want to eliminate it (and, um, the U.S.) because of such libertine lyrics.

Huh? What about this little thing called freedom of speech, Ankar-low Brow? If you want to live like the Taliban, Dumbass Darrell, go right ahead. In fact, I'll contribute money to help you and yours relocate to Pakistan or Saudi Arabia or some other neck of the woods where they might cut off your hand for bobbin' the bologna or perusing Playboy. I happen to enjoy the freedom to read and view everything from the New Yorker to Hustler magazine, if I so desire. If you don't like it and can't get with the Taliban or al-Quaeda, I'm sure the fundamentalist Mormons up in Colorado City would take you. I mean, you already have the look, dood. Check out a mirror sometime. In your younger days, you looked like a young Gary Busey. Now you look like, well, an old Gary Busey. Ew...

As for hip-hop, and Darrell's ofay jabs at that multibillion dollar industry, allow me to ask one question: Who would you rather kick it with, Snoop Dogg or Darrell Ankarlo? If you picked Darrell Ankarlo, please step this way for your Bud Light Trailer Trash of the Year Award.

BTW, Ankarlo meant to imply that such songs are filth because of their content. But take a look at country or rock, both of which can be just as ribald as hip-hop. So why single out hip-hop as an abomination? Could it be that Ankarlo's playing the race card? Well, he did lump Britney Spears into the mix too, so maybe that saves him a bit. Still, Ankarlo loves baiting other races and ethnicities, and was well-known for it in Dallas on 570 KLIF AM, though mostly against Mexicans. His tone is still a bit on the soft and subtle side here in AZ so far, as if he's testing the waters.

(For a blast, sample this clip of Ankar-low Brow as a YTMND, http://ankarlo.ytmnd.com/. and if you don't know what a YTMND is, Wikipedia will explain.)

Recently, the Reverend Jarrett Maupin was on Ankarlo's show and cleaned the radio lunkhead's clock, mainly by not falling for Ankarlo's trick questions, and answering every Ankarlo assertion of almighty truth with a retort that practically had Ankarlo chewing the carpet. Ankarlo came off as snide, supercilious and petty. Whereas the much younger Maupin seemed poised, classy, and uncowed.

Check these grubby little insults Ankarlo let fly at Maupin, usually while breaking for commercials or as Ankarlo was changing the subject:

About Maupin's title, "And I know for five bucks, I could become a preacher..."

Or concerning his mentors, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, "By the way, when we come back, Reverend, can you tell me, did Al or Jesse ever have a job in their life other than to be an activist?"

Compared to what, I was thinking while listening to Ankarlo, running your mouth for a living? You call that a job, Lurch-chin?

But Maupin got the best of Ankarlo, even though Ankarlo kept interrupting him and torturously trying to paint him into some rhetorical corner. Maupin was on the show to talk about his effort to block the Superbowl coming to Glendale in '08 if something's not done in AZ to redress the injustices of Prop 300. At one point, "Ambush" Ankarlo tried this BS he pulls where he asks for a yes or no answer to a question, this time whether Maupin agreed with raising the minimum wage and The Governator's push in CA for universal health care.

Maupin said yes, then Ankarlo, gloating, jumps in with this childishness:

"Hey, guess what? Guess what? Corporate America, that big nasty culprit is the one who will pay for both of those, because..."

Maupin interrupts, "It's about time."

To which, Ankarlo was apoplectic and could barely contain himself. A sec later, Ankarlo spouts off this cheap appeal to white pride:

"Martin Luther King Day -- that's what they wanted. They wanted Martin Luther King Day in Arizona. It's celebrated in Arizona. So that whole, 'Oh, we're not living up to the dream' -- that's subjective...You can never win a subjective argument ever because everybody's got a different opinion about it."

What's all this "they" shit? It's like he's saying, "What are all these blacks complaining for -- they have MLK Day, what else do they want?"

Recently KTAR started this "KTAR Cash" promotion where they're giving away $92.30 to listeners every hour, which makes it seem like KTAR's big gun from Texas is shootin' blanks and needs the boost, the financial incentive for listeners to pay attention to his jerk-off Jeremiads

Basically, he's just another talk radio douchebag, but I plan to keep an eye on him, and when he pulls a boner or says something retarded (an almost hourly occurance now), I'll let you know so you don't actually have to listen to him. He's got a very annoying voice, especially when he raises it to this goofy level to try to sound cool. Needless to say, I can't stand the guy.

RELATED--Ankarlo Kisses Arpaio's Ass

courtesy M. Delgina

Through a glass darkly: Michelle Delgina still wants to use the chick's loo at Anderson's...

Michelle Delgina, one of the transgendered chicks-with-sticks who's demanding to use the female facilities at Anderson's Fifth Estate in Scottsdale, sent along pics of herself recently, and I thought I'd share. One seems to be a little dark on purpose, and the other is posed as if to capture Michelle's "good" side. You can almost see how, if you were in a very, very dark bar late at night, and blurry-eyed from bucketful after bucketful of Long Island Iced Teas, you might make one of those classic Ode to Billy Joe errors, if you know what I mean.

courtesy M. Delgina

Delgina's "good" side: Could "she" pass?

Still waiting on snaps of Michele deLaFreniere, who I gather is a bit more on the butch side. Till then, enjoy the Photoshopped image below by New Times staffer Quinn Murphy in which Murphy tries to bring to life Delgina's bizarre, twisted daydream wherein she imagines yours truly as a ginormous gerbil in a dirty cage. I think he did a pretty good job. Read the long, tortured letter from Delgina here, "Transgender Benders," if you wish to compare Delgina's verbiage to Quinn's art.

image by Quinn Murphy

That's me on the left. I feel like Templeton the Rat in Charlotte's Web: The original, not the remake.

BTW, I went by Anderson's this past Saturday night -- not one tranny parading in protest. Needless to say, a Stonewall riot, this ain't...I'd have more respect for them if they were out there in the brass monkey weather, marching up and down the street. Hard to keep your bollocks warm while you're in a skirt, I reckon.

PS: Wonder how this hullabaloo began? Check out "Tranny-gate."

www.southparkstudios.com

Towlie wants to know what you like to do when you hitta da bong...

It's Friday, and that means it's time for my first ever Friday Top Ten, in which I'll poll the New Times staff on a subject, post that bitch, and ask you, the vast New Times audience to add to the list. This week's topic is a real crowd-pleaser: smokin' cheeba; 420; geting baked, blazed, stoned, high, retarded or whatever you wanna call it. But specifically, your top pick for what you like to do while you're smokin' on a blunt. Our mascot for this week's fun: Towlie from South Park, perhaps the greatest South Park character ever next to Big Gay Al. So here goes. Audience participation is mandatory. Plus, what the fuck else have you got to do while you stare at that 'puter screen at work?

THE NEW TIMES EDITORIAL STAFF'S TOP TEN THINGS THEY LIKE TO DO WHILE INHALING WEED

10) Watch South Park (natch) or Adult Swim, specifically Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

9) Talk to plants.

8) Drink Velvet Slammers (a concoction of champagne and tequila that'll make your face numb).

7) Eat Funyuns and listen to Black Sabbath.

6) Naked Twister (if at a party).

5) Stare at a roaring fire. (Sounds gay, I know, but that's what he said.)

4) Go swimming (uh, not a good idea)

3) Play Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas or watch my Jackass DVD.

2) Order a pizza and offer to pay the delivery guy with chronic.

....and the #1 thing New Times editorial likes to do while high.....

1) Watch porn and spankit...

Keith Olbermann, eat your heart out...

Coming soon to a chick's loo near you...

As Ray Davies sang so long ago, "Girls will be boys and boys will be girls/ It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world..." And indeed, some in the Valley's pre-op community are determined to pee standing up at Anderson's Fifth Estate in this dispute with the Scottsdale nightclub, which I detailed in my "Bird" column of December 28 entitled "Tranny-Gate."

According to the trannies, sexuality is all in your head, and has absolutely nothing to do with that split fig or meat-n-veg between your thighs. If you think you're a woman, you are a woman. Even if you weigh 300 pounds, speak in baritone and sport a beard -- you have just as much right to use the babes' bog as supermodel Giselle Bundchen. So ladies, the next time you see some doods who resemble Wesley Snipes, et al. in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar having pissing contests and putting rouge over their razor burn in the women's bano, keep your trap shut. You have no say. The trannies -- even those who still have a wang -- own the femmes' shitter.

At least that's what Michele deLaFreniere, the transgendered guy who's made this an issue (and who happens to be the Chairperson of the Scottsdale Human Relations Commission), and his bud Michelle Delgina (rhymes with "vagina"?) insist. They think they're the Rosa Parks and Angela Davis of AZ powder rooms. Delgina recently wrote a long-ass letter to me that could double as a novel, and here it is below, along with my responses and some chiming in by deLaFreniere. As Johnny Carson used to say -- wild, wacky stuff.

Note: They may use portions of the first letter in next week's paper, but they will have to edit it for length, obviously, unless my editor wants to put out a second edition of the paper. And references to "Nicki" are to Niki D'Andrea, the New Times music editor (herself an unabashed lesbian), who assisted me with reporting on the item.

from Mangina, uh, I mean, Delgina:

Dear Stevie,

My gosh!! Where do I begin?? My Name is Michelle DelGina and I am the other woman that was denied entry into Anderson's Fifth Estate on November 25th, 2006. The other woman that was publicly humiliated and had my dignity smashed on the ground by an arrogant bigot in front of other patrons, friends and staff on the steps of Anderson's. I realize you are trying to come off as some snappy Hollywood style reporter shooting out snappy little rainbow colored zingers to make your readers say "Oh my!! I can't believe he just said that!!" When in actuality you sound more like a pompous ignorant prick.

I was wondering how you can continually quote Michele deLaFreniere when you never even interviewed her?? Apparently it was some woman at new times named Nicki??? So either you are really a trans woman that goes by the name Nicki and you can pass pretty good or you just made crap up and paraphrased information fed to you in you little gerbil cage there in the back of the office.

That is how I imagine your space is there at the office. A big smelly cage with one of those big water bottles wired to the side. The bottle looks like you haven't had fresh water in it for quite some time as there appears to be algae growing on the inside of the bottle. Obviously the bottom of the cage is covered with shredded New Times. You converted your exercise wheel into a sort of make shift clothes hamper with dirty socks and "rusty" bottomed underwear hanging from various rungs. Tapping your little pencil on your oversized front teeth humming some little tune to yourself that mama gerbil sang to you at nap time long before country rodent decided to become city rodent. I can just see you resting your long, sad and furry nose on the crossbar of the cage with your little notes crunched up in your little boney claws like some destitute prisoner hoping for anyone to stop and talk to you. "Umm, umm, squeak, squeak, Nicki!! Yo! It's Stevie! You gotta read this!" "Uh, what? Do you need another donut gerbil boy??" Nicki says as she doesn't even spin her chair around to make eye contact with you. "No." You say even though you would love another donut but you are hoping to score with her some day and you know how she feels about over weight rodents. "Can we do another piece together? This stuff I came up with today is a hoot- you gotta read it!" Nicki being a class chick casually says, "Yeah, sure. I gotta take a crap first. I'll read your stuff when I get back."

As some of your readers are aware of it is probably going on three weeks ago now that there was a hate crime in Scottsdale not far from Anderson's Fifth Estate in Scottsdale. A gay couple was brutally assaulted as they exited Fraser's Steak House by seven men. The report says they were white males. White males just like Tom Anderson and I am assuming you. It was disheartening to see you treat this "Tranny Gate" as a funny "entertainment" piece. Mr. Anderson's actions and bigoted statements like: "Your kind in here anymore" and "we are losing money because you come in here", along with your twisted, insensitive, inaccurate piece and the accompanying irresponsible cartoon only open the door to further discrimination, hate and violence. Just like the hate crime that happened outside of Fraser's.

The transgendered population is the most at-risk-for-murder minority on the planet. They are not only murdered, because of ignorance and fear, but often times mutilated afterwards. What the hell do find so damn funny about hate, violence, death and mutilation?? Mr. Anderson, being a business owner and "leader" (used loosely) in the community and you, as a journalist (used even looser), you both have a responsibility. Often times we look to our leaders for cues on how to act especially in public- I think that is why they call them leaders. And unfortunately many people these days can not think for themselves and must read about how everyone else is acting or watch it on TV to see what is popular so they don't stand out. And now- with a few insensitive and hateful actions and comments we have been basically thrown in the street. And you think it's funny? Are you one of those goof balls that giggle at car wrecks?? Do you even know any one that has ever been assaulted because they are different?? Or do you just hang with people like yourselves??

As responsible adults and unfortunately people in the place of some power and influence, it is your responsibility to educate yourselves about issues before you decide to ruin people's lives and open the doors of hate and bigotry. Mr. Anderson has chosen to make the focus of his argument the restroom issue when there was a simple solution to the whole problem right there in the club. Instead of choosing this option he chose to flex his bigoted "I'm protecting my female patrons" attitude. These "guys" are actually disguising themselves as woman and infiltrating the club just so they can sneak into the woman's restroom to stalk and rape woman!! Absurd!!

Do you people really buy that crap?? You think he is there to "save and protect" his female customers?? Really??? Well- I was at Anderson's just Saturday night out there in the cold protesting and picketing Anderson's and MIX 96.9 for publicly inviting EVERYONE in the valley to come to Anderson's for the hottest retro dance party in the valley and then not actually allowing everyone they invited in. I was posted right in front of the club. I was standing there with my big banner looking cute as ever and three of these so called female patrons that he is so concerned about protecting come staggering out of Anderson's and laughing their asses off. They obviously have had too much to drink.

These three women meandered past me and went and sat in a car for about 5 or 10 minutes. I paid no attention to them as Scottsdale is now becoming the hate crime hot spot in the valley and I had to watch my back at all times. The three women get out of the car and make their way back to the club- I assume it is because one of them kept saying how bad she had to pee. They hobble past me again and make their way into Anderson's parking lot. The slower and obviously more inebriated one made it all the way there, up and over three different curbs. It was the last one that she tripped over and kind of poured herself onto the parking lot.

Her friends were laughing their asses off at their friend's drunken mishap. The one that had to urinate was laughing the hardest, "Don't make me laugh, I gotta pee really bad now!" I stopped to think to myself for a minute "Hmm, at least now when she goes into that restroom she won't have to worry about that trans werewolf rapist with the 12 inch penis!! Yes ire- the women of Scottsdale are now protected- Thank the Lord and Tom Anderson" I guess at this point one of the women actually made it to the door as the one trying to just kneel on all four was muttering the classic "I'm done drinking! I'm done drinking."

But there I am out in front of Anderson's being kept out- banned from even going on the property. I am actually one of the people they are protecting these women from?? This gal can not even get to all four and had just tripped and almost did a face plant on the parking lot and the manager, doorman and cashier just sit there and watch. I am banned from the property and if I went on the property to help this over served incapacitated female patron I would have been arrested for trespassing. I could only look on and watch another female loose her dignity on the doorsteps of Anderson's.

I look and check the street which was behind me and then looked back to see this woman struggle to her feet. I do not think she was ready for the slight incline of the lot and immediately started to back peddle towards the parking block she had originally tripped over. Again- no concern by the staff whatsoever. The concrete parking stop caught the back of both her heels which caused her butt to quickly accelerate towards the ground. As soon as that part of her anatomy made impact it kind of had a sling shot effect on the rest of her upper body as you can imagine.

What I saw next I have never seen before in my life and hope to never see again. This poor gal smacked the back off her head- right where the neck goes into the skull so hard on the concrete curb that surrounds Anderson's parking lot that I almost vomited from the horror. I thought she was dead. The staff sat there. I started screaming, "Oh my god- call an ambulance, call an ambulance!!" This poor girl was out cold. I was yelling at her friend to not move her. It was a horrifying scene.

Two police cars a fire trunk and an ambulance quickly arrived. They neck braced this girl and boarded her up. They were looking around and asking if anyone saw what happened. Duh!! Yeah! I was right there!! Some lady- I am not sure if was her friend or what at that point because I was so traumatized- said yes, and she looked at me and said, umm (searching I guess for which fucking-pronoun to use with me), this person saw. The paramedic looked up at me with his little note pad and just said- OH. Not "what did you see, what is your number in case we need to get a hold of you, what is your name..." Nothing. None of you idiopts asked me any questions. Oh God!! A trannie- don't make eye contact!! Your friend is lying there with a possible fractured skull or a bleeding brain and I am someone that can help and you choose to not even ask. I was horrified by what happened to this girl and then once again by how I was treated.

And you know what??? Michele deLaFreniere was across the street and saw what happened and heard me screaming. Michele deLaFreniere was the one that made the 911 call. Michele deLaFreniere and I were the only one to come to this girl's aid. Michele deLaFreniere and I were the ones they were protecting these girls from. I do not know the extent of this girl's injury but if you think Tom Anderson is there to protect these woman you are sorely mistaken. It is about money, it is about over service, it is about ego. If you ever talked to the manager or thug at the front door you know what I mean. This ain't no class operation.

And for the record dumb asses- fifth estate, which Random House Webster's Unabridged Dictionary defines as 'any class or group in society other than the nobility, the clergy, the middle class, and the press'.

Lemon, I guess you represent the press (sort of), and Anderson, you have a lot of money- enough to be at least the middle class. Most christian religions denounce us and money, well... So I guess that makes most transexuals more Fifth Estae than any of you. Ironic isn't it??

I do not need to address the other issues in your piece because you are really just a fiction writer. You take things that happen in the real world- change things around and make a cute little story out of it. And Tom!!??? Tell me you didn't really say those thing quoted in Mr. Lemon's piece!! You wouldn't really publicly humiliate your wife like that- talking about using some other guy's junk like that, would you?? And if you really did say that- what the hell would you do with some guys cut off meat any way???? I am glad you were never in the restroom on those few occasions I did use the men's room at your club. God know what you think about as you stand next to some hung dude at the urinal- "Boy...What I'd like to do with that...!!! I was embarrassed for you whole family.

If you are one of the regulars that know me then let Anderson's and MIX 96.9 know that you are not coming back and not going to listen anymore till they make things right. Do something now.

Print the whole damn letter or none of it!!

Michelle DelGina

and my response:

Thanks for novel, Michelle. Very amusing. I am curious about one thing though: Have either you or deLaFreniere had sex reassignment surgery? That one fact would illuminate a great deal. Thanks again.

SL

ToWongFo-ite Michele deLaFreniere chimes in, but at least she's not as long-winded as Delgina:

Does it really matter except to my lover, the person sneaking a peak through the stall door crack and my gyn?

Michele

Another novel from Delgina:

This is how they deal with it in New York:
http://www.jenburke.com/2005/09/30/restroom-usage/

For one thing- in most transsexuals- it is the brain that is different. There is research that backs this up in regards to hormones and a "male" and "female" brain. They ARE different.
http://web.syr.edu/~jaclar01/gender.html


It is this incongruity that causes so much confusion and despair in a transsexual. We look into a mirror and do not see what we feel. I am only guessing why you want to know but I am assuming you want to know whether or not I have a "right" to be in the woman's restroom or not.

I think the other Michele sent you something about (Arizona Revised Statutes (ARS) sec. 41-1442)
I can not nor will I address the other women's personal physical information. I identify as female and that is how I expect to be treated. This is how it works with transitioning from male to female:

You first have to be identified as being gender dysphonic. You need this before you can begin to get hormone from an MD. Unless you can not for one reason or another afford to go this route and begin doing things on your own. I believe you have to be on hormones for at least a year and do your RLT for two years before anyone will sign off for you to get SRS. RLT stands for real life test. This is where you have to live in this new role as a female for two years. Everything must be done as a female- work, shop, socialize and yes, use the restroom. You can not even get a surgeon in Thailand to do the surgery until the RLT is complete and you have the signatures from your mental health doctors. So for at least two years I am going to be in this limbo state that I believe you are asking me about. A "state of gender" if you will that for you and most of society still considers a male and one that I believe and always have -to be female. And even after surgery most
will still insist on calling me "him" and questioning me on restroom usage. Not all of us will "pass" as female no matter how hard we try.

I actually have an "M" on my driver's license but I like to think that stands for mutant until I can get my birth defect corrected. But in the case of Anderson's I will soon have a legal name change and get the court documents I need to change that "M" to an "F" on my license and that will still not matter at Anderson's as I am the only one in the core group of girls that has been initially banned that has the "M" on my license. According to the state of Arizona they are all considered to be legally female. So the banning of our kind is not really even a "gender" issue- it is a sex discrimination issue at that point.

Think about the implications here for a moment. You want me to actually use the mens room wherever I go right? I have breasts that are quickly approaching a "C" cup and I am continually picked up on when I go out. You want me to go into a restroom filled with drunken males at 11 or 12 o'clock at night? You know what will happen. You want me to go into the men's restroom at the public library? As a father and his two small boys are in there? I will either get arrested as a crazed pervert or assaulted.

For many transsexuals the time they have to wait for surgery is considerably longer than 2 years because the surgery is so expensive. And then there are non-op transsexuals that never get the surgery. What do you say then- tough crap!! They should take the heat for wearing a dress??

It is not about the penis it is about the brain and spiritual being. Say you are riding a Harley down the 101 and take a nasty spill and some how get your junk sheared off. You come to in the hospital a couple of days later and the doctors are standing over you and you are in a pink night gown. Before you can even ask what and why- they say, "Sorry Steve, we couldn't save your dick so you're a woman now and you have to use the woman's restroom the rest of your life. So now, months later you have recovered as best as you can and go out to Anderson's for a party. Are they going to pat you down before you go into the restroom and say- "Whoa a minute there girly boy- this is a MEN'S room. If you ain't packing any meat then you gotta go in with the sitters!!" Do you become a woman the second you and your penis are separated from each other?? Absolutely not. You have a male brain.

It is totally absurd to even suggest that with your question- "Have either you or deLaFreniere had sex reassignment surgery?" Why are you curious about that any way?? A dick does not a man make. Actually wanting to know that one fact is the most illuminating thing here. To me it suggests that you feel til the surgery is complete we are guys still and that Anderson has every right to deny us entry. To me it suggests that like most people out there you see only black and white and not the range