P-Town Provincialism 101

Fernwood 2Nite's Barth Gimble (Martin Mull, left) and Jerry Hubbard (Fred Willard, right). Think Greg Patterson's a fan?


How do you know when someone's brain has been gnawed away by provincialism? I'm not talking about reporting or discussing local events, restaurants, bars, happenings, etc. All of that's fair game, whether you're in Paris, Gotham or P-town. But there's a special kind of small town mindset I'm referring to, one lampooned by Martin Mull in that classic '7os spoof talk show Fernwood 2Nite, in the news from Mellonville on the comedy series SCTV, and on HeeHaw's KORN radio news broadcast. You see it from time to time in politics and the media here in the 'Copa (Maricopa County, fools), like when PHX Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon passes out park benches as a crime preventative to folks who live in the 59th most dangerous city in the nation, or when KTAR talk jock and very local celeb Pat McMahon burns through an entire segment of his show interviewing his wife Duffy, as happened recently. (Way to get your money's worth, KTAR!)

Or there's the case of Greg "The Forehead" Patterson's Espressopundit.com, which just won the title of "Best Political Website" from the Capitol Times, a dubious source for such plaudits if there ever was one. Still, I'd be willing to congratulate the guy. Patterson occasionally has some sharp stuff on his site. But, uh, Greg, what's the deal with selling your house on your blog? No kidding, SandLanders, the former Republican legislator says he was henpecked by his wife to sell his nest on the 'Net. Read this:

So Debbie comes to me one day and says...you need to sell our house in espresso pundit. Naturally, I was hesitant. For one thing, I'm just getting unpacked. But she knew that wasn't the real reason. "Why don't you want to put the house on the website?" she asked. I said "Because the Governor's people will know where I live. After all, "you step out of line, the men come and take you away." She said "Dude, you have got to get some new music."

Seems the Pattersons are asking $480K for it. They're throwing in their sense of shame for free, seeing that they hardly use it anyway.

When Debs asked Greg why he didn't want to put the house on the website, he should've said, "Because it's friggin' tacky! That's why." What's next, a link to Greg's eBay store? Or the crap he doesn't have time to sell on Craigslist, like his old Foreigner albums, or that red BMX he got for Xmas two years ago and never used? Maybe some of his spouse's used pots and pans? ( "Well, we were gonna give them to charity, but we could sure use the scratch.") Or even his huevos, if his wife'll ever let him have 'em back.

Christ, is the housing market so piss-poor in this burg that the dope needs to list his house on what's supposed to be a site about Zona politics?

I guess I shouldn't expect much from some navel-gazing middlebrow who lists "The Bible" by "God" at the top of a list of "Books That Have Influenced Me Most." But still...putting a picture of your for-sale crib on your blog is right up there with something Martin Mull's bumbling Barth Gimble might pull on Fernwood 2Nite. 'Cept, of course, Barth's gauche goings-on would be funny, while Patterson's are just plain ol' lame.



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