Wacky Signage

You're nobody till somebody loves you...


OK, so after Tuesday, all of those bloody political signs will be headed for the closest landfill, so let's have fun with them while there's still time! I'm hereby announcing my 2006 awards for PHX Political Signs, so let's go:

1) Worst Attempt at Making Napolitano Look Cool: The Blue "Janet" Signs

Sorry, this pathetic attempt to repackage Governor Frumpalot as "hip" never worked because we all know she's about as exciting as a bucket of warm cottage cheese. Yeah, yeah, she'll win in a landslide, but I can promise you that in her next term she'll do exactly what she did her first four years in office: NOTHING! She's a political coaster, and plans to coast right into a DC job, if she can swing it.

2) Best Non Sequitur: "Prop 204 is HOGWASH"

I generally like black and orange as colors, and I tend to agree with the sentiment expressed here, but the problem is that the word HOGWASH is so much bigger than the rest of the verbiage that you just see the HOGWASH and nothing else. So initially, I think a lot of people had no idea what this sign was for and why they should care. More people are probably figuring it out now, but Prop 204 (the veal and preggers sows initiative) looks like it's headed for passage, though it's basically unnecessary.

3) Best Sign Inspired by a Dystopian Film: "Still Voting"

Ernie Hancock's the Libertarian candidate for Secretary of State, and even he's not voting for himself because he believes the electronic voting machines are rigged. I don't like the e-voting machines either, and we all know they're far from tamper-resistant. Unfortunately, Hancock is such a cantankerous, choleric chap that he defeats his own purpose. He's sorta like the Libertarian version of JD Hayworth. Still, he has some fucking awesome signs, mainly because he borrows the encircled red V from the flick V for Vendetta starring Natalie Portman.

4) Best Logo for Wrong Target Audience: "Thrasher for the People"

Think John Thrasher knows the difference between an ollie and a goofy-foot? Could his favorite film be Dogtown and Z-boys ? Can he shred like Tony Hawk? Thrasher's a Dem running against Republican Congressman Trent Franks in CD2, and he's kinda chubby and gray-haired. Not the skate-punk type. However his sign basically co-opts the logo for the skate rag of the same name. Is he hoping to win over the MTV crowd? Seems aimed at the wrong audience, though it still looks dope.

5) Coolest Birth Name on Sign: Dean Martin

Republican State Senator Dean Martin is blessed with one of the coolest names in the history of the free world. What red blooded American male wouldn't want to be identified with the legendary ladies man/crooner/Rat Packer? Martin plays up the in-name-only connection on his website, where he has a recording on his home page of Martin singing "You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You." The cherub-cheeked Martin is running for State Treasurer. If he can sing "Volare" in Italian, he's got my vote.

6) Best Goof: MC Merv

MC Merv is the Andy Kaufman of the 2006 election. The mustachioed, mean-muggin' "Con-Artist-Deviloper" is running for the imaginary office of Downtown Vicelord on the platform of "Remove all public parks! — More lofts!" On October 6, The Bird outed the "the first and only white yuppie rapper" as local anti-condo wacktivist Alex Votichenko. But it's all-good. MC Merv is still number one in Mervaliciousness, and he's rockin' some wikkid signs, yo.

7) Most Unfortunate Birth Name: Susan Fuchs

What's the diff between an "h" and a "k"? Well, depends on how you pronounce it. Fucks, I mean, Fuchs is a Scottsdale attorney running for Justice of the Peace in the McDowell Mountain Justice Precinct. Sure, there are the obvious jokes, like, "Susan Fuchs Good for Phoenix," and "Judge Fuchs in '06." But I really feel sorry for the woman's two daughters. Can you imagine the bullying? "Come here you two little Fuchs," "Stupid Fuchs," and "Those two chicks are really hot Fuchs."

She prolly doesn't pronounce it that way. But you could read it that way. What? Hey, don't kill the messenger...Actually, someone just told me about this one. But she is running for Justice of the Peace, and the report is that there are some Fuch-ing signs out there.



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