Criminal Intent

Mayor Goober and his Crime Czar, Tickle Me Elmo.


Remember Mayor Phil "Pipsqueak" Gordon's front-porch bench program -- you know, that lame-ass Mayberry-esque initiative where people were supposed to park their fannies on these stupid benches, eat popsicles, and protect their neighborhoods "from vandalism, car thefts, drug sales and other illegal activities," according to the City's website. Well, the results are in on the crime-fighting effectiveness of this bullshit idea: Phoenix has been ranked the 59th most dangerous city out of 371 American municipalities, coming in as scarier even than New York City!

The study was done by Morgan Quitno Press in Kansas, the same folks who pointed out AZ's at the bottom when it comes to education. They used FBI crime stats to come up with the rankings of dangerous places to live, so it's not exactly like they pulled PHX's rating out of some monkey's ass. But what did Goober Gordon have to say about it? Phoenix is a safe city, the crime rate's been cut in half, black is white, up is down, and yes, darlin', there really is a tooth fairy.

There's a shitload of crime in this city, and if Goober were a real man, he'd own up to that fact, and try to do something about it. His face should be redder than Elmo's backside after this report. But he shamelessly tries to say that the report's meaningless. What a wuss! Hello, Captain Kangaroo, your friggin' crime program's giving out benches! P-town's been threatened by serial rapists, serial killers, and God knows how many gang-banger murders. Every knuckle-dragger in town's on meth, and we're number four in total auto thefts in the nation. Meanwhile our Mayor, Punxsutawney Phil, plays groundhog and pretends there's no problem.

Goober Gordon loves photo ops, and the benches have provided plenty. His approach to crime borders on the criminally negligent. Unfortunately, we're stuck with this turd for another year. Hopefully, people will come to their senses and run his ass out of office when he's up for reelection in '07.


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