Received a delightful snot-gram today, which always warms the nest of snakes in my heart. It's from this guy who calls himself Emil Pulsifer. I have many such missives stowed away to read when I require a chuckle. Take a peek:
Dear Mr. Lemons,
Far be it from me that I should interfere with the development of a writer's "voice", but I feel impelled to point out that, since you have taken The Bird under your wing, your attempts to adopt a folksy writing style have taken the column insidiously toward the idiom of Slim Pickens' character in Blazing Saddles. At some point, even the dolts who regard Phoenix New Times as a news organ are likely to get a whiff of Eau de Travestie, at which point you will face the ignominious prospect of a hurried escape via the freight rails; and though you may regard local accounts of your hanging in effigy with a certain wry amusement, this is unlikely to be satisfactory compensation.
I should also point out that even Taggart demonstrated rudimentary chivalry toward women. Thus, instead of writing that the State Governor "looks kind of dikey" you might instead have tried gentle persuasion: "Miss Janet, you shore would look purty in a dress." If this offends your unwavering standards of truth in journalism, bear in mind the fact that, after a month or two in the company of cowpokes driving cattle on the range, virtually anything would look pretty in a dress. (There's a story there somewhere -- perhaps another scrutiny of the Goldwater archives will turn up some tidbit for your carrion besmeared beak.)
Love the "carrion besmeared beak" line. Written like a true fan! What folks 'round these parts sometimes fail to grasp is that I'm quite comfortable being loathed. Indeed, such sentiments let me know you, my audience, really do care about me, even if it's only to fantasize about applying ye ole hot lead colonic to my person. So let the vitriol roll down like a mighty torrent! And remember, one of my personal heroes is Richard III, at least the fictional version as portrayed by Sir Ian McKellen on stage and in film. Like Gloucester himself said in the Bard's play: "I am determined to prove a villain, And hate the idle pleasures of these days..." Hey, so now you know.
PS: Or think of me as Rowan Atkinson's Blackadder,
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.