Email AuthorMatthew Hendley
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Could the Arizona Cardinals Possibly Suck Any More Than They Did on Sunday?
December 11, 2012 in Valley Fever
azinews.com"Well, it can't get any worse than that," we've said for several weeks now of watching the Arizona Cardinals lose in miserable fashion.After seeing the Cardinals lose by 58 points...
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Phoenix Coyotes Now Short 33 Games -- NHL Cancels Games Through December 30
December 10, 2012 in Valley Fever
Here's the state of pro sports in the Valley: baseball's in the middle of the off-season, the Phoenix Suns have already found the basement of their division, the Arizona Cardinals...
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Search for ASU Freshman Jack Culolias in River Basin Ends
December 10, 2012 in Valley Fever
Part of the search area, north of Tempe Marketplace.After searching an additional area of the Salt River basin for 19-year-old ASU freshman Jack Culolias, Tempe police finished their search of...
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Powerball Winner ID'd as Matthew Good; Fountain Hills Home Has Just Five Bedrooms
December 10, 2012 in Valley Fever
uncyclopedia.wikia.comThe co-winner of the gigantic Powerball jackpot has been identified as Fountain Hills resident Matthew Good.Although we made a baseless guess that he lived in an estate on a golf...
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Isacc Quesada's DUI Ruin: One Dead, Baby and Women Injured, Witnesses Punched and Kicked
December 10, 2012 in Valley Fever
MCSOIsacc QuesadaIsacc Quesada was involved in a simple fender-bender in Phoenix on Saturday night.What ended up happening, though, left one man dead, injured two women and a baby, and additional...
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Arizona Cardinals Suck More Than Ever, Lose 58-0 to Seattle Seahawks
December 10, 2012 in Valley Fever
The Arizona Cardinals completely, totally, and definitely suck.After losing eight games in a row, the Cardinals just keep getting worse. The team lost by 58 points -- 58 to nothing...
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True or False: Arizona's Powerball Winner Sounds Like a Rich Dude?
December 10, 2012 in Valley Fever
In the coming days, Arizona Lottery will be releasing the name of the Fountain Hills dude who won half of the $587.5 million Powerball jackpot.Lottery officials already gave some details...
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Arizona's Powerball Winner Staying Anonymous, but Totally Sounds Like a Rich Guy
December 07, 2012 in Valley Fever
uncyclopedia.wikia.comArizona Lottery officials held a press conference this afternoon to announce details about the Fountain Hills dude who won half of the $587.5 million Powerball jackpot, except the guy's name.Based...
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Snowbowl Protesters Face Charges for "Quarantine" of Forest Service Office
December 07, 2012 in Valley Fever
protectthepeaks.orgProtect the Peaks' September 21 protest.Four people are accused of violating federal law when they took to a Forest Service office in Coconino County in September to protest the use...
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Joe Arpaio's Dinner in San Francisco Crashed by "Queer Nuns"
December 07, 2012 in Valley Fever
Photo by Josh EdelsonSheriff Joe Arpaio, chatting up some really tall cutie with a large Adam's apple.Our comrades in the Bay Area, S.F. Weekly, found Sheriff Joe Arpaio at a...
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Paul Gosar Thinks Abdullatif Aldosary, Alleged Bomber, Is a "Known Terrorist"; He Is Not
December 07, 2012 in Valley Fever
Abdullatif Ali Aldosary is NOT a "known terrorist."Republican Congressman Paul Gosar wants Homeland Security officials to explain to him why Abdullatif Aldosary -- the Coolidge resident accused of detonating an...
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Search for ASU Freshman Jack Culolias Ends, Then Starts Again: "Object" Spotted in Water
December 07, 2012 in Valley Fever
Photo by Matthew HendleyPart of the previous search area, north of Tempe Marketplace.UPDATE (3:30 PM): Jack Colulias' DNA was found in the red shoe found by his mother near Tempe...
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Jan Brewer's Trip to Afghanistan: A Good Reason for Week-Long Disappearance?
December 07, 2012 in Valley Fever
facebook.com/govjanbrewerGovernor Jan Brewer (left of center, wearing Canadian tuxedo jacket) with some MPs.As was rumored, Governor Jan Brewer was indeed on a trip to Afghanistan during her unnancounced absence from...
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Valley's First Medical Marijuana Dispensary, Arizona Organix, Now Open
December 06, 2012 in Valley Fever
Photo by Matthew HendleyArizona Organix is the state's first true medical-marijuana dispensary.Arizona's first licensed medical-marijuana dispensary, Arizona Organix in Glendale, opened today.See also:-Arizona Organix Steps Out as the State's First...
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Michael Hall's Back in Arizona, After Allegedly Killing Ex-Girlfriend in Front of a Child, Then Heading for Vegas Strip
December 06, 2012 in Valley Fever
MCSOMichael HallAfter allegedly shooting his ex-girlfriend to death in Avondale -- in front of their 4-year-old daughter -- Michael Hall decided to skip town, in favor of Las Vegas.Not...
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12 News Anchor Mark Curtis Does Not Deny That His Mustache Causes Female Orgasms
December 06, 2012 in Valley Fever
12 NewsAn actual thing that happened on 12 News yesterday evening.12 News anchor Mark Curtis stopped short of confirming that his porn-star mustache does indeed help women reach orgasm, but...
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Abdullatif Aldosary Held Without Bond in Casa Grande Bombing Case, Faces Deportation
December 06, 2012 in Valley Fever
Abdullatif Ali AldosaryA federal judge ordered Abdullatif Aldosary -- the Coolidge resident accused of detonating an "explosive device" outside the Social Security Administration building in Casa Grande Friday morning --...
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One Red Shoe Remains the Only Sign of Missing ASU Freshman Jack Culolias
December 06, 2012 in Valley Fever
Photo by Matthew HendleyAn MCSO helicopter in an area north of Tempe Marketplace, where authorities are looking for signs of ASU freshman Jack Culolias.A red shoe that appears to belong...
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Jan Brewer's Contact With Channel 3 Reporter: Jab or Light Tap?
December 06, 2012 in Valley Fever
Governor Jan "Sonny Liston" BrewerWhat exactly did Governor Jan Brewer do to KTVK-Channel 3 political reporter Dennis Welch?According to one account, "Brewer took her left hand, balled it into a...
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ASU Freshman Jack Culolias Has Been Missing Since Friday Night
December 05, 2012 in Valley Fever
Jack Culolias, a 19-year-old freshman at Arizona State University, has not been heard from since apparently being booted from a Tempe bar/restaurant Friday night.Culolias was kicked out of Cadillac Ranch...
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Arizona Cardinals Back to John Skelton at Quarterback, Ignore Call for Open Tryout
December 05, 2012 in Valley Fever
The Arizona Cardinals announced today that John Skelton will be the starting quarterback this weekend against the Seattle Seahawks, ignoring the just-as-bad option of holding an open tryout for the...
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12 News Anchor Mark Curtis' Mustache May Cause Female Orgasms (Says Stephen Colbert)
December 05, 2012 in Valley Fever
That mustache is a possible catalyst for female orgasms.The porn-star mustache on the upper lip of 12 News anchor Mark Curtis may help women reach orgasm during sex -- at...
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Jan Brewer Reportedly "Slugged" Channel 3 Reporter Over Global-Warming Question
December 05, 2012 in Valley Fever
Governor Jan "Sonny Liston" BrewerGovernor Jan Brewer's brain-fart response last week to a KTVK-Channel 3 reporter's question about global warming does not appear to be the only Jan bein' Jan...
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Richard Stokley Executed for Rape and Murder of Two Teenagers; Partner-in-Crime Out Free
December 05, 2012 in Valley Fever
ADOCRichard StokleyRichard Stokley was executed today at the state prison in Florence, more than 21 years after he and an accomplice kidnapped, raped, and murdered two 13-year-old girls in Cochise...
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Jan Brewer Going M.I.A.: Does It Matter?
December 05, 2012 in Valley Fever
Governor Jan BrewerGovernor Jan Brewer is not in Arizona this week.That's about all we know, because her location is apparently a secret, or something.See also:-Jan Brewer Has Gone to a...
